Do You Really Think Your Crazy?


I was young (18) when I started dating a guy who had issues.

I had recently broken up with an ex, and this guy was my rebound. He was smoking weed and drinking I had come to find a week after I met him. (RED FLAG #1) but I was young and hurt form my break up and I wanted to be wreckless. Yes because we all have those times where we want to be wreckless, and we want to be a mess.

I was a very well rounded, solid individual. I had two parents who were good people, argued, never hit each other. I was fearless, independent, and well liked bye everyone. I dont know why I decided to keep seeing this guy though...I guess the whole, alchol, partying side seemed not so bad. And not bad when I realized how amazingly sexy this man was. He was built, than, and just overall what every girl wanted. I even went to parties where other women turned and I heard them say, "Damn who is THAT!?" It made me feel good. Like I had something everyone else wanted but he had chosen ME.

Aside from my shallowness in that area, I was NOT a shallow person. He said he wanted to stop doing drugs and alcohol. Well of course I opted to help im. I was falling for him. All of a sudden I stopped hearing from him and his sister called and said he had tried to commit suicide and was forced to go to rehab (RED FLAG #2). I stayed with him, went and visited him, and he quit doing drugs or alcohol for a solid year after that. But during that time, our relationship was crazy. I went with him to AA meeting to help support him. He would preach to me and even tell me I was wrong for drinking and I was a bad person because I drank around him (RED FLAG #3), and that's where it all started.

He twisted my words around repeatedly. Going in massive circles in arguments. I would always think to myself, "What the F***! What is he talking about he doesn't even make any sense!" Whenever we would argue, I would try to leave to blow off steam or just get away from the situation. He never let me leave. At first it was kinda nice because I felt wanted. Like he loved me so much he just couldn't bare it if I left, even for a little bit. I didn't even realize at the time how twisted my thoughts were getting.
In addition to not letting me leave, the very first time he hit me, I was bithcing at him and made him get out of bed and sleep on the floor. I wanted nothing to do with him. He got up and slapped me so hard on the thigh there was a huge red handprint welt.

I did take a picture on my phone. I never showed it to anyone. After that I was afraid to leave. I realize NOW I was afraid, but at the time I would rationalize it in my head as I was just giving him a chance because He was changing as a person and he didn't know how to operate without substances. I was WAY WAY WAY too leantient.

And yes as time went on, we did fight. Only once did he ever smack me in the face when he was super drunk, but that was right before I physically left him.
All the other times, were pushing, grabbing, throwing, etc.
Here's where things started to get super messed up...
I felt like it was ME. He would do the most messed up things and I would get soooo angry. I would bawl my eyes out, sometimes scream or just physicially try to stop HIM from leaving. This caused me to put scratches on him or look almost deranged.
Here's a scanerio:

Him: I'm going out to take the trash out to the dumpster
Me: Ookay dear :)

---He had been gone for 30 mintues--
Now, in my head I knew, something was up. I suspected he was smoking weed or doing something he shouldn't be.
And I was always right.

--He gets back--

Me: Where were you?
Him: Garbage remember?
Me: You were gone a very long time for garbage. Im not stupid. What were you doing?
Him: Nothing get off my case. You never trust me. You're the reason we fight all the time, with **** like this.

And then you can guess it goes on to tempers starting to flare. IN the end he had gone out and smoked a blunt and hidden it from me.

Because of scenarios like this, I became crazy at times because everytime he wasn't home he was doing something bad, and when I would leave, well I wouldn't do anything. IN all honesty I am probabley classified as a "good girl."

Then Oh dear I got PREGNANT. Not only was I a young mom at 20, but I was in a relationship with a mentally, amotionally, and physcially abusive man.

This is what I count as abuse right here>>>>

The day I was supposed to get induced for labor, he wanted to leave and 2-3 hours before hand. When I confonrted him why he had o leave, he wouldn't give me a straight answer. And I knew he was going to smoke weed. I got angry and told him I was a young mother, and that I was terrified. This was my first child and I needed him by my side. He told me I was over-racting and that he would be back. "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME, YOUR PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND TO LEAVE AND SMOKE WEED. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!" He says, "YOU'RE CRAZY! ******* CRAZY! IM NERVOUS TOO AND I NEED TO DO THIS. YOU NEVER THINK ABOUT ME EVER!!! YOU'RE SO SELFISH! DID YOU EVER THINK HOW I FEEL BEING A NEW FATHER! SELFISH *****! JESUS I CAN NOT WAIT TILL YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE. YOUR GOING TO BE A BAD MOM WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT!"

THAT ladies and gentlemen is abuse. Its the twisting so deeply that YOU feel like are truly crazy, When in reality you are the rational person. things like this came up so often that I started to feel like I was the wrong one.

Fast forward to after our child was born. I was a new mom and breastfeeding. He had to leave one night for no apparent reason at 3 am. Obviously up to no good, and I was dog tired and really felt like he should be helping me at night more. But he blew up at me when I confronted him. He pushed me down and tore my episotomy stiches. I was gushing blood and screaming form the pain. I was awful. I grabbed him and told him not to go and he says "YOU'RE THE REASON I SMOKE YOU STUPID *****!" Then he shoved me off of him and fractured my hip. To this day, 3 years later, I don't fully walk straight.

Eventually I did what I never thought I would do and I left. But I moved 10 hours away to stay with my family in another state. If I would not have done that, I would not have been able to get away from him. I couldn't control not going back to him.
I thought I was so deeply in love with him and our relationship was extremley sexual. I always wound up going back to him. Begging for him to take me back. I was basically begging for the abuse at one point. And then I realize I was starting to get ill mentally.
After I moved, I still called him, we checked each others Facebook's all the time too.
Some points we would love each other and other points we would hate each other.

After half a year of living apart from him, I fell in love with another wonderful man and I have a child with him and our life is damn near perfect. Really.

Yet, just as of this week, I contacted my ex abuser. Why you ask? I don't know. He did message me on facebook all the time, or found a way to get a hold of me, confessing his undying love for me and how sorry he was etc. Well after 3 years, I started to put the whole issue to rest and came across some thoughts in my mind. Maybe I was the one to blame. After all, I did harass him about what he was doing wrong, yelled when he wouldn't work enough (he quit jobs all the time). etc.
So I called, and at first it was great. we talked for hours everyday. texted etc. He told me he would wait for me, he loved me and he would forever. I half believed this because after 3 years and toldme all the time about his love for me. I started to beleive it HAD to be true. Just 5 days after all the talking, he went cold again. He got angry about me saying I couldn't be with him ever again because I just could never trust him again. Then, the abuse started again. He took every apology I had givent oh im about how I felt how I was wrong and started saying things like, "YOU ALWAYS INSTIGATED, AND NEVER LET ME DO WHAT I NEEDED TO DO. DONT YOU FEEL GUILTY? WHAT THE ****!?"

And that is crazy because I had called him, and written a huge letter taking fault for my wrong doings. SO for him to say this was just weird and completley wrong. Maybe he is really crazy. Yes, he is mentally abusive. 3 and a half years alter and he still does it, even from 10 hours away, but I let it happen. He said some more very messed up things liek how I am a bad mom and etc. Which is crazy especially since I get complimented on how well my children behave and I realize myself how lucky I am.

He did much other stuff in our relationship, locked me in a room, put duck tape in my hair, told em when I was 8 months pregnant that I was boring because I didnt want to go out. Pushed me, grabbed me, twisted my words and more.
I know its effecting my relationship now, especially since I reached out to my ex. My current husband is extremley understanding but he feels like he cant have all of me because my ex still has peices that might not ever be given back or hes afraid theyre damaged and I dont heal them.

Now, I am so very afraid he will come and kill me. He doesn't know exactly were I live beut he does know the town and it is very small, wouldn't be too hard, especially since I have the same care. I just think he is capable of some kind of derranged stuff like that. If anyone else has this fear PLEASE message me, because the fear can be debilitating. I am very open to discussing this because I would love feedback and help anyone else in the situation.

rainbeaufox rainbeaufox
22-25, F
May 6, 2012