I Suppose I'd Rather Be Alone

I called the cops on my husband for what I hope to be the last time.  I didn't want it to come to this, but I simply cannot let this go any more. I would really like to have some feedback right now from other DV victims. I met my husband eight months ago and we married after just two months. He has a lot of problems that I feel a good deal of compassion for, and which I try and make exceptions for, because of my love and respect for him. His control issues and temper are set off by the smallest of things, and he sees me as his property. I have tolerated it because I appreciate the level of attention he can give me, and find him unique and talented in many ways. Although he hasn't hurt me, he does push me around and tries to scare me all throughout the day, and it's a pretty illogical way to live when I look at it from a distance--considering my education, background, and intelligence. I always tell him, after he's apologized, that "even the hardest day with you, baby, is better than the best day with someone else," and I have meant it--until now. Here is my new mantra: "The hard days with my husband are over. I would rather just be alone." Now I need to make some big decisions. He is being held in jail for a while, so I have some time to decide. I need to decide if I should move again, and how/if I want to proceed with a legal separation. I don't know how he is going to be able to live without me, or rather, live without hurting/punishing me for rejecting him when he comes out, and this makes me wonder if I should move. I've moved my seven year old daughter and myself three times in the last few months, and it's not really fair to uproot her anymore. I don't want to move. But I don't know that he won't come here and try to hurt me. Tomorrow I take more legal actions to ensure my safety, but when he finds out about this, he will probably seek revenge with me when he gets out. He had been drinking tonight, so perhaps the issues all stem from alcohol. I just don't know. I wish we could stay together and consume our love, but the overall picture has too many negatives. It's gotten way too unhealthy and the line has been officially crossed. He scared me so bad tonight that I literally peed my pants, standing in the kitchen. I'll never love another man like I love him, and I have no intention of ever denying my love for him, but I will deny our life together. He has burned all of his chances. And as much as he loves me, he loves himself even more. How strange to let someone go when I have become so close to him. Just today we had such powerful emotions. And soon I will be packing his clothes and saying goodbye. This is so strange and dreamlike to me. How am I supposed to ever get over this? Get over him? I feel sick, lead astray, crushed. I want to be alone for a long, long time.
Azastacia Azastacia
1 Response May 15, 2012

Do you have a DV shelter where you and your daughter could stay while you get on your feel? Some of them are really clean and nice. Just a thought