Can't Forgive Or Forget

Having a bad night. can't sleep. Been sleeping badly for nearly a month. The last serious attack was nearly a year ago. A sexual assault and my partner choking me to the point of passing out. I stayed. He stopped, at least the physical/sexual, but financially and psychologically it wasn't good for many months. We are now entering a phase where we are just losing touch. Initially I wanted to save our relationship, but as time goes on, I feel numb and disconnected to him. I have no sexual urges, but have agreed to have sex about once a fortnight to keep him off my back. I am nasty to him and think about revenge every time he does something that even reminds me of what he did; (blackmailed me into sex a couple of times and can be controlling when things go wrong for him). We have three children so I don't want to disrupt them and he won't leave voluntarily. I also work full time and he looks after the kids part of the week. Confusing thing is, we are like family. We have a laugh, watch tv together, go out with the kids. I don't know what to do
chantal1977 chantal1977
2 Responses May 18, 2012

I really hear you. I read my own post and it seems crazy to stay with someone like that and I feel guilty about it. But, you make the choice and you only. I accepted that it was down to me a long time ago and I at least don't feel like Im disillusioned. He hasn't been physically abusive in over a year, but he is controlling. However, I got myself educated, am more shrewd in how to get what i want and I can assert myself now. Plus I put the fear of God into him about the criminal and social aspect of it. I am gaining more and more control over my life and putting myself into a position where I can financially support the kids and make it work. I believe that I will leave him, but I won't put myself before my children, who know nothing and never will if I have my way.

i wish i knew then i could help you and myself my husband has choked me as well so hard i lost my breath he raped me for a week 3 yrs ago it's so hard to leave we haven't had sex in 2 months i love him so much i wish we could find a way