Used To It, Until This Happened

I had been with my ex boyfriend for 12 years, through those 12 years there was physical, emotional and verbal abuse.  Sad to say bit I became used to it.  After a while I didnt care about it or myself.  When the abuse would happen it was never in a visible area, so it was easy to hide.  One day I told my mother about it, she calmly responed with " We all have to go through some displeasure, just get used to it."  Needless to say after that I became even more self loathing.  Well, I made a friend online...who little by little reiforced that I was a good person, that I deserved to be happy.  He gave me the strength to end the relationship and take my kids and move. 
I moved in with my older brother who has a big house .  By this point I had already broken every contact with him other than that  involved our children.  I thought I was free.
Two days ago I went to pick up my 3 girls ( all under 12) from his apt. after spending the day there swimming.  He asked to use the car which is in both our names and I agreed.  On our way home I noticed my oldest was crying.  I asked her why and she wouldnt say.  He turned around and said she was upset because he had yelled at her because he had lent her a watch so she could keep track of time while at the pool.  Apparently the watch had a scratch on it when she returned it and he was livid with her.  I admit that I started the argument...I told him it was unfair that he blamed her for scratching the watch when it was his decision to give it to her.  Well, he didn't l;ike the fact that I disagreed with him.  He leaned over and punched me repeatedly in the face, head and arm while I was driving and the car was in motion.  I stopped the car , where he preceded to punch me some more despite my daughters screaming  and crying in the backseat.

Why is it, that I can forgive whatever he chooses to do to me...but i  cant forgive that he did it infront of them?  I was used to it..and now they know.  I don't know what I can do to make it better.  I don't know how to tell them that its never ok for a man to hurt them when I did it for so long...Things are made a lot worse now that he would rather go to jail than pay child support.  I havent been able to find a job, not even a part time job.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I can't support my kids this way. I refuse to give them to him.  Now My face is swollen and bruised, whos gonna give me a job now?Katia
Katia12 Katia12
36-40
2 Responses May 21, 2012

The same thing happened 2 me the only way u can teach the kids its not ok by showing them by caring about urself and standing up 4 urself show them wot u do if someone treatr u badly it took me 9 years to do it but its so worth it gud luck and its ne ua 2 l8 2 become the person u r suposd 2 be

Have you tried a battered women's shelter? You stay there for free and some offer therapy and training to get back in the job field. Its not your fault. You stayed because he brainwashed you into thinking you were nothing and that you couldn't get any better when in fact you can. That is why so many of us stay. That and financial reasons. Take pictures of your bruises for evidence. Save any text messages or voicemails he has left you. I know you'll survive this. I can hear the strength in your story. I know you'll be okay. You and your children deserve to feel safe and be happy. Please keep in touch. Let me know if there is any thing I can do. Even if its just to listen. You are not alone.