Extremely Abusive 4 Year Roller Coaster

I have been on so many sites and shared my story and each time I feel a little better something prompts me to contact my ex and start the cycle over again. It began 4 years ago when I was 19. I met him at a club. I was doing drugs and drinking and we started making out and hanging out but I thought he would never go for me and was a player and we were just having fun. We ended up at a friends house after a club one night and we hit it off just talking and he asked me out. His best friend told me to stay away and that I would get hurt but my ex just told me he was jealous and I believed him. My ex was so charming and sweet, never rushing me into sex. I lost my virginity to him after 2 weeks when he told me I love him. He told me I was his soulmate. We were together 24-7. I started seeing red flags when he started being controlling and I thought he just cared about me. A month into our relationship he went out with girls when he told me he was home with his family. He blamed it on me and told me I was crazy and broke up with me. We got back together the next day. He then would break up with me every day and I'd run to his house crying an begging him to take me back. He hadn't introduced me to his parents and I was getting upset. After 4 months he told me he had a daughter. I was in shock because he was always with me. He said his ex girlfriend was pregnant and he didn't believe in abortion and that she had full custody. Shortly after he stopped sleeping over, saying his mom was getting mad that he was out every night. A month later he sent me a picture of his ex-girlfriend claiming that I should see her of I were to ever hear about her. He also told me she was crazy and that she might call me and to not listen to her. The picture he sent me was of her in a white dress and I ran to his house and knocked on the door (something I had never done). His mom answered the door and did not know who I was and said that he was married. His wife came out and he spit on her and told her he wanted a divorce and could explain everything to me. He told me he was married to her for citizenship papers and that he wanted to move in with me. I had arranged for us to move in together and he started a fight saying I pressured him and I later found out he moved in with her. He started emotionally and physically abusing me calling me every name under the sun: *****, white trash, fat, Jewish piece of sh*t and he slapped and pushed me and would never be sorry for it, only say I provoked him. My parents kicked me out of my house because I wouldn't leave him and he abandoned me. I got a job and paid for everything, buying him gifts to please him. He would give me dates and say that he would leave his wife in 8 months after his citizenship went through and would then tell me it got postponed because the immigration found out he was cheating on his wife with me and blamed everything on me. He would make excuses to fight and go out without me to clubs or go on cruises with his wife. Everytime I left he would chase me and cry and I would fall for it every time. I sent him to jail twice for hitting me and he made me feel guilty. The last straw was when I sent him to jail for the 3rd time. He hit me and I called the police and wanted to press charges. I knew this was the only way to let him go. He called me from jail but I ignored him. 2 weeks after jail I started missing him and called him. He ignored me and sent me pictures of him with other girls. He called me at 2 am a month later and we had sex. He said we couldn't be together and that I hurt him when I sent him to jail but that maybe we could try and talk again and see how things go. After we had sex he ignored me and started calling me names. He got me pregnant twice and I had two abortions because I was unemployed and knew I could not bring a baby into this world with him. He calls me baby killer and says he was never the father and even pushed me when I told him I was keeping the baby and then would say he would be there for me then break up with me. I don't know why I still love him. I call him nonstop and he ignores me. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Ddalya Ddalya
2 Responses May 23, 2012

if you read back this Ddalya, I think you will see you have been a bit of a doormat and chased this guy,even when he made it obvious he could not care less about you..He obviously has no respect for you and you have contributed to the situation.
We do have to take responsibility for the bad choices we make and you have made some whammys. You are young but its time to grow up and see this male waste of oxygen for what he is, a liar and asshat.
I can only suggest you root out your self respect and dignity and move on.Learn from this, not to be a doormat and tolerate this kind of BS ever again.

Look you did nothing wrong but hook up with an addict. My is the same in many ways things can be nice if she is sober but when she is not she will try to kill me and even she was sober I could not leave the house. People like this need mandated soberiety, counseling and time behind bars. She tried to blame me to. She tried to claw my eyes and other horrible things i was disfigured when she was arrested with cuts all over my face even in my ear. She tossed a glass at me and almost hit a baby. She told its mom its just a glass of water. Don't feel bad and don't let him push. If he wants to see you make him do a drug test and only with a counselor for a long time. If he loves you he will give up drugs and control.