My Mommy Is Special

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. In those 10 years he has hit me more times that I can count. Bruises and knots on my body. He put his closed fist on the back of my neck repeatedly. Slapped me. Hit me in the eye. Physically pushed me down to the ground while I'm holding my baby girl. Pushed the rocking chair over while I am sitting in in nursing my son. Torn my clothes off me. Chased me down the street in his truck while I was pregnant trying to get away from him. Threatened to take my children and leave me with nothing, because I am nothing and I cant do the things he can do. Years of living with threats and violence and name calling has broken me down. He calmed down with all the violence in the past 2 years now. Mainly because I don't cry anymore when he tries to hurt me. I think I hate him now. The last fight we got into almost 2 weeks ago involved my kids He was drunk and he came home late. He started yelling at me and my kids got scared and started crying. So knowing the type of person he is when he gets wound up, I decided to leave when he was taking a shower. I didn't make it out in time. He came out and started yelling at my 7 and 3 year old that they were never going to see him again because they were crying. It was all their fault, he kept saying. They hated their daddy, he told them. Their tears were too much for me to bear. They kept saying "We love you Daddy" and "Why are you being so mean to us" . My 3 year old son told him "I want my mommy, she is so special". He is supposed to protect them not hurt them like that. I don't understand why he would break their precious little hearts like that.
I finally got to leave after an hour of begging and pleading. Finally I called the police and that's when he went inside to get his keys. I drove off, he drove after me in the middle of the night. I was so afraid of what he would do if he caught me, I drove for my life. This whole episode happened when I was visiting him in Colorado. That's where he is working and we live in Texas. Better pay and I get to stay home with the kids so he took the job. So I am in an unfamiliar state.
Alone with my two babies in the middle of the night feeling so scared and lost. I made it home and I haven't divorced him yet. I'm still to paralyzed to do anything. I am so weak and pathetic that I cant make a move to literally save my life. I don't want to die by his hands. The same hands that try to caress me when he wants something are the same hands that have beat the crap out of me. These days I'm to depressed to leave my house and I'm pushing away all the people that are trying to help me, but sometimes I can't help but to think that I would be better off if he killed me one of these days.

tb1232 tb1232
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 15, 2012

I'm so sorry for hat you had to go threw nomine should ever have to go three that never should a kid have to see his mummy hurt, you will never be etter of if he killed you your kids need you, you cant leave them with him! Stay strong 1 step at a time, all the best!

Thank you. You are very right. They do need me. That's the only thing that keeps me going. I just get really depressed lately. I'm trying hard to snap out of it.

So have I latley but just think you have 2 beautiful kids who love you and you will get threw it