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Trying To Start Over But Seeming To Have Alot Of Trouble... Help!!?

Hi everyone, I am new to this whole internet support group thing, but I am trying any way in which will make me feel better. I need people who understand what I am going through and who can give me real advice. I apologize if my story is going to end up long, but I am going to keep it as short as possible. I have been waiting to be able to actually really tell my WHOLE story not just the parts i chose too in order to cover up what I was really going through. Well the story starts when I was 15 years old. Through mutual friends I meant the "boy" at that time. I didn't expect much to come out of it then, being that I was only 15. Slowly things started to get more and more involved. This boy seemed to have sweeped me off of my feet, or so i thought. He was I believe 18 at the time. He would do things in the beginning like flaunt money at me and buy me whatever I wanted, he would always listen to me and show he cared, and he would tell me interesting details about himself to keep my attention on him. As we started getting closer things started to go down hill, but being 15 and young and "dumb" as they say, i didn't know better, I thought I was in love so I put up with everything that started happening. Well, he started heavily drinking and raising his voice to me on many occassions and making me feel so terrible I would cry for hours, he then started to "ditch" me, after we had already made plans and sometimes for weekends at a time, then I started to realize those things that he was telling me the kept me so interested in him or the money he was flaunting was only temporary or not the truth. Being "young and in love" I stayed with him through it all. the Drinking got worse and he then became addicted to pain killers. As he went farther and farther downt he wrong path he began to get more insulting towards me and became violent. At the age of 16 I was hit my him from the first time, he apologized and promised it would never happen again "he was ****** up, and didnt mean it" (excuse my language). Lieka young girl in love who didnt understand the world I fell for it anf forgave him, however it wasnt the last time. in all over the year I was punched in the arms and face, my head was hit off a table, I was held up against a wall unable to move, got numerous item as big as tables and chairs throw at or around me, and been put down verbally. I STILL STAYED WITH HIM, like he was a drug I was addicted too. I then ended up getting pregnant within the next year at a young age, one point during my pregnancy he choked me in the car, becuase I found out he was on pills again and yelled at me for it. Once the baby was born he did a complete 180, he was an amazing dad and an awesome man, something i was so lucky to have. We were even engaged to get married. Then one day the fighting began and it excalated each day until one day i got the courage to stick up for myself. about 8 months ago I told him I needed space because and that the fighting needed to stop becuase we both didnt deserve to live our lives this way. Within the two months after I told him that he stopped seeing his son and supporting him financially, dated another girl, started heaivly drinking, using perscription pills and cocaine, and stopped going to work. We had an ugly relationship with eachother over those 6 months where he was heavily using. about two months about he finally got arrested, and another three weeks later got arrested again. After his arrest he called and apologized to me said he wanted his family back, and he never meant any of it and he loved me so much. Being the trouble he was in he went away to rehab for two weeks and called me and wrote me every chance he got. As soon as he came home not long after we were living together again and everythiing was going to great until about a week ago. I looked through his phone and noticed he was messageing a girl while i was on vacation wanting to meet up with her and what not. I questioned him about it and he went off. He has alwasy been one to wither stretch the truth or not tell the truth at all. Well about 5 days ago he said he needed his space and he wanted me and our son to leave his house, he said it was all my fauly becasue alls i did was "***** and nag him and that I was lazy and a terrible person and i was never going to change or grow up and the i was the C word and a *****" Insult of insult and put down after put down. Me and my son finally packedup andmoved out after a month. H eotld me he needed his time on his own however he is already talking to another girl and already started to ignore my son again. This whole situation as put me into such a depression and feeling terrible about myself and feeling so lonely. I feel as though i need him to live. After being put down for so long it gets into your head and you start to believe that person. Everyone tells me I have been clearly mentally abuse and used(to look good for his court dates and our upcoming custody court date), I just dont want to belive it. Now I am left here depressed and miserable unable to make it through a hour without crying and he is out doing god knows what with whoever. He tells me he really does love me loves me and eventually we will be back together but not right now and i need to give him his space and just wait, and dumb me i really want to do that so i could have him back, IS IT JUST HIS LIES AGAIN and trying to contrrol my every move to make sure I come back to him when he needs me? I NEED TO MOVE ON BUT CANT DO IT, I STILL WANT HIM BACK..... HELP!!!!!!!! advice for those who've gone through it!?
movingonandmakingchanges movingonandmakingchanges 18-21, F 1 Response Aug 3, 2012

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Im going through the same kind of thing at the minute. Ive been with my partner just over a year and I feel like im addicted to him....im not sure if its me or if he has beaten me down so much over time that I feel that I cant live without him, even though deep down I know he is no good for me whatsoever. In such a short space time I have been through so much that I dont think my brain can take it in anymore. Im actually sat here typing this thinking about how to break the news that I dont want to be with him anymore (again!!!!) but I can never stay strong enough to do it. Ive been verbally abused by him, punched, strangled and bitten and had my house smashed to pieces (literally as he put his head through my front window) and numerous mobile phones smashed up. We are also going through a court case (we were both sexually abused by a member of the hosital staff) and this has sent him into great depression and he gets really angry and unfortunately takes it out on me. He also uses emotional abuse on me, he is always telling me how good looking he is and that all the girls in our area are chasing him (by the way he is 11 years younger than me) so im starting to get paranoid on top of everything else. I spend all my time making sure that he feels ok and I think ive forgotten myself along the way. Im starting to feel like im going crazy and I just want out but everytime I do he begs and pleads with me to stay and that he carnt live without me and will kill himself and because I love him so much then I back down everytime....im at a loss?????