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I Can't Seem To Leave An Abusive Relationship

I have been in an out of an abusive relationship now for about 7 years. I am sick of the black eyes the emotional torture . I have recently decided to go to counsler to seek help for myself. This seems to be working a little bit it so dam hard to put up with an abusive partner. I try praying for some kind of guidence through all of this . It Is so very hard . I sware I get my hands on every kind of book there is under the sun to try an understand how to function with such extreme conditions. I have lost most of my friends an family to help me deal with my abuse . I know I just seem to take him back an ask for some more. I am hoping there is some one else out there that truely understands how I am feeling an can maybe tell me a way to get out of this hell ?
keezbree keezbree 36-40, F 8 Responses Aug 19, 2012

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I understand where you are coming from. I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years. He is so full of hate and anger and to top it off he is an addict. There are days when i just want to pick up and leave and when I plan it all out I loose all strength. There are days when I just want to tell him how much I hate him and he disgusts me but I know that if I do, there will be no good ooutcome for me. i sometimes uestion myself because i am so out going, loving and self sufficient but when i am around him I feel trapped and lost...I am trying to get out...but I continue to look for the right time to do so :(

I understand were your coming from. The reason I stay is because it'll keep him from getting more mad at me. When we break up he calls and text saying if I don't get back with him he's gunna f me up and embarass me at work, and honestly I don't want him to do that so I get back with him. I wish he wasn't so annoying and just say bye and leave me alone. Now because of him my family don't want nothing to do with me but they don't understand what its like to be in a sitution like this. They just judge on what they see they don't wanna hear what I have to say.

Everyone thank you for the reply's we need to keep strong . An we need to get more women to talk about the crap we endure day in an day out . The excuses of why they act the way they do and we tolerate the bs. I hope someday real soon we can change the laws in our favor so we can have the resources we need to leave these men that give us such lies that say they will never do it again !! I want to say yeah right ! When is that ever going to happen but I think if more women keep talking someone Important will listen !! God bless

I am going to see a domestic violence counselor on Wednesday. I have also given him the number to go and see the same counselor for his abuse that he has endured from his family. He has called for an appointment. But, I have also stressed to him he needs to do this for himself not for me.

Also because I have been abused in a previous relationship I vowed to myself that if a man tried to verbally abuse or physically abuse i would fight back and defend myself. Well this I am told makes me abusive to my husband. I know it is not right to fight fire with fire but I will not cower down like a little puppy. I am not a door mat and I will not be treated like a woman is to keep her mouth shut unless told to speak. like I have been told over and over the past few months.

I understand exactly how you feel. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. I get a restraining order and then drop it and let him back. He was again escorted from the property last Monday but I didn't seek a restraint this time. I do not like how I feel after getting a restraining order. It makes me feel completely horrible. That and it makes him flip out even more. He knows if he comes to the house that I will pursue the restraining order and that if I get one he will go back to jail for a year for probation violation. I miss him. I do not miss being called a ****, *****, *****, etc. Being told I should ******* hit you. The only evidence the police will need are your brains splattered all over the wall, etc. In the beginning he tore up things in and out of the house every time me or my kids pissed him off which we do all the time. Now since he was in jail from Aug 2011 to March 2012 (for a peace disturbance he was charged with while him and I were separated last year) and has returned home he has started threatening to harm me. Since June he has slammed his chest into mine and rammed me into the kitchen table. Monday night he doubled his fist and acted like he was going to punch me. When I grabbed the phone to call the law (like I told him I would do if he threatened me again) he rammed his shoulder into my left shoulder real hard as he was storming by to get his stuff and how now possibly messed up my only good arm. But, still I love him and miss him, the nice him that is very very rare. I have spoken to him every day since to hear him accuse me and call me names to I am sorry I do not want to hurt you and I would never hit you. To constant talk of having sex with me and getting angry because as I have told him "The day you said "the only evidence the police will need are your brains splattered all over the wall." "You should have just done it because you completely killed me inside and I do not want to have sex at this time. We need to work on and fix the problem at hand not try to cure it with sex." When he is home he has nothing to do with me and rarely speaks to me unless he needs me to do something for or with him or he is pissed at me. When he is booted from the home he can't get enough of me. Explain to him how I feel? yeah right. (Him) You shouldn't feel that way. You are crazy. (Me) Yes, I should feel that way and NO! I am not crazy. You are the crazy one. You send me a text calling me a ***** and two seconds later one asking to come make love to you. Now. Who is crazy? Can I just walk away and say see ya later. Abuse elsewhere. No. Why? I do not know other than I love him and I know he was abused by his family as a child and there is help for him if he wants to get it. Do I deserve this. NO

Please don't ever think that you are "asking for more" by going back. I went back numerous times for almost 10 years before I finally said enough is enough. And at that time he hadn't hit me for over a year. You never ask to be abused, you hope that your abuser will change. It is not you that makes him abuse you. It is his need for power and control. He has a chioce and he chooses to act that way on his own.<br />
The first thing you need to do is comtact a local domostic violence shelter if it is safe for you to do so. I am glad that you are seeing a counselor but it really needs to be a domestic violence counselor which they have at most shelters free of charge. You also mentioned reading a lot of books and I think the one that will truly help is the same one that helped me. It is called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It will not teach you how to endure through an awful situation but will open your eyes as to what you abuser is doing and why, and hopefully give you strength to leave. <br />
I really do understand what you are going through and you are not alone. Your feelings are very normal and a DV counselor will help you validate and understand those feelings. You do not deserve to be treated like that, no one does. I hope you find the strength to leave him soon. I know how hard it is to leave, but you can do it. There is life on the other side of abuse. A good life. A happy life. The kind of life you deserve. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and hope to hear an update on how you are doing soon.

I was there not to long ago but it took me a long time to get away cuz I loved him so much but he didn't love me like he said that he did . It was not to long ago when the last time he put his hands on me but he did it in front of or kids and they seen it and I didn't want them think it is ok but I think that it is Easy this time cuz he is in jail and I moved away so he can't find me to talk that sweet stuff

i feel the same as you ten years later still with him no friends family money support i feel even my own gp sick of hearing me but i cant break aay either