Thank Heaven For Little Girls
I knew things were bad... We were working through some major problems; any couple whose relationship is riddled with addiction and infidelity is bound to have severely detrimental problems.
But, I had no idea how abused I really was, till things got too bad.
He started controlling me with money before I even found out about him cheating. He handled the finances before we even moved in together! I never had any reason not to trust him. I started working long hours and inherited an awful commute when we bought our house. I had no idea why we were fighting, but we were always fighting. In retrospect, I can see it all clear as day, but back then, I so confused! I kept trying to fix our marriage, seminars, books, therapy... all to no avail! I felt like I was in a circular room, trying to find a corner...
He had me convinced that my family treated me like crap and took advantage to me. He completely isolated me from everyone who cared about me. His constant cheating completely ******** me of all self-confidence, and his relentless lies had me doubting even my own thoughts and feelings. I was turned into an empty shell of myself, which he used as a puppet, controlling me in every aspect of my life!
Everything I did and said, was done so out of fear. I was afraid of him cheating again, scared that he was going to blame me for the new mess he got himself into, worried we would lose our home, and completely terrified of his next rampage.
I held together, every piece of our broken family while he did everything he could to destroy it. I endured over three years of relentless pain, worry, anguish, torment and mental mauling before I finally let go...
We had gotten into altercations before... Fights that got physical and left marks that I couldn’t hide... But that was nothing compared to this... He was going to kill me...
I was sick of being told what to do, left at home with the kids while he went out every night doing god only knows what, with god only knows who.... When I didn’t come home that night, something in him snapped! He waited up for me all night, and as soon as my car pulled into the driveway, he pounced on me like I was his prey.
Shouting insult, after insult, with my hair twisted up as tightly as he could get it. He was squeezing so hard that he was shaking, and his face pressed firmly against mine… He stopped shaking, gripped my hair tighter and pulled my face away from his so that he could look into my eyes as he said to me in the most evil scowl possible…. “I am going to f***ing KILL YOU!!!”
He instantly let go of me and ran out of the room. I didn’t waste a second, I locked the deadbolt behind him and protected my six year old daughter with my body. Less than a minute later, the door flew open with just one solid kick! This time wielding a samurai sword, he went straight for my head again, grabbing me by the hair like it was a handle.
It wasn’t till months later that someone else pointed out to me why he led me into the bathroom and threw me into the bathtub… The mess would be easier to clean….
I hate the fact that my daughter had to whiteness this horrific event… But if my little angel hadn’t cried out to her father to stop hurting mommy… I don’t think I would be here today.