A Victim Reliving The Pain And Trying To Forget

Since about the age of 16, I have let the wrong people use me mine body and soul. At the age of 17 my caring nature was coned into getting involved with a man 10 years older then me. He used a vulnerable experience and adapted it to his plan. I stayed with this man for close to 12 years and suffered in ways I never realized until the day I was sitting on a stand in a court room reliving my life all over again. Trying to justify my life to a judge who didnt want hear it, empowering the abuser in his choices, making me the incompetent parent. As I have often tried to explain to those around me who don't know why I chose to suffer alone. Feeling betrayed that- the physical abuse would never compare to the mental. It steals the very life from you. In those moments you pray for anyone to help you , of course silently. The emotion threating to split your chest open, just to get out. My abuser preference was choking, mental munipulation and sexually coercion. For so long he stole my life and will to live. My children were my only reason for living. Now I try to forget and move on, second guessing my choices at times and feeling alone in my experience and tired of people telling me to just forget and move on. I tried to go to counseling but came completely unraveled and needed to stay strong for my children, to help them return to a normal loving life and protecting their dads imagine. I want to help others, I'm stronger when I can help someone else understand rather than trying to understand my own misery. Thanks for listening.
Sharprememberance Sharprememberance
31-35, F
Sep 24, 2012