The Longer You Stay, The More You Pay - (that Is If You Survive)

No alcohol...........what?
No drugs............. huh?

Statistics may prove that a vast majority of physical abusers are addicts, but I really haven't read up on it lately. It's not one of my fav subjects if you can imagine that, ha! It's been a few years now that my oldest son is 31 yrs and my youngest 26 yrs. Yea, unfortunately he is my children's father and the saddest part: he's got them fooled into thinking he's made some positive changes in his life, but who am I to judge? I'll get to that at the end of my story...

Met thru a friend I worked with when we were both approx 21 yrs back in 1980. They had worked at a previous job together. Come to find out we were in the same 6th grade class, small world sometimes. To try and make a long story short, I already had been conditioned to very low self esteem by the age of 21 due to my father and some bullying in school. Otherwise, I like to think I wouldn't have continued the relationship if I would have listened to my own red flags. But at that time, I didn't even know what the term "red flag" meant, much less what the word "boundary" meant in psychological terms. Enough said bout that.

Grew up in a semi-average, lower middle class I guess you would call it during the 60's and 70's. We had what we needed (with the exception of my clothing, was taller and skinnier than the average size at that time so hence it was determined I wore a lot of "high waters"). My Dad was a construction worker who worked come rain or shine, cold or hot, and had no benefits. He was muscular and fit, actually very handsome I thought in his younger pics. I was the youngest and only had one older sister by 5 yrs. He gave the both of us some ****, but it seems becuz of my adhd and childish irresponsibility, I always managed to push his buttons the most. Yet I was the one who followed him around like the proverbial "lost puppy." It probably didn't help knowing the fact that prior to my birth, my Mom had miscarried and lost a male baby, what my Dad had always wanted. So instead of the "Lawrence, Jr." he wanted, they settled for "Laura."

Ok, I must remind myself I can't write a book tonight and try to stay focused on the issue at hand. I'm going to have to summarize this info although I should try to write a book about it.

I truly believe I am still paying for the bad decision I made to stay as long as I did. He was so smart that he apparently never broke a bone, but now I suffer from extreme pain in my neck from being slapped so hard that the bones on the side of my face would bare bruising, not very dark black n blue, but never the less I didn't even know til I went to a Mary Kay party. I noticed my co-worker staring at the side of my I went to the bathroom and sure enuff...there were "yellowed" bruises there.

Up to that point, I didn't realize he was slapping me so hard he was bruising my face over and over again. I actually tried to calculate how often he bruised me to control me further along into the marriage. It wasn't even always a hard enough slap on the face to bruise me, but would also include punching me on the arm hard enuff to leave bruises there. So, I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as with everything else he did or said. Because he was always right and I was always wrong.

Maybe you've heard of it too at some point, "mental abuse can be worse than physical abuse." OMGosh! Give me a freaking break, whoever came up with that has obviously never experienced physical abuse or they would know way better than to claim such bull ****! Mental abuse always accompanied the physical (even more so) in my case of the physical.

How can a victim choose to stay in such frequent and repetitive physical abuse if not for the mental abuse or as I prefer to call it "brainwashing" that goes on in this kind of relationship. Although it may take a pre-requisite of low self-esteem to start, some abusers have basically acquired hypnotic skills I would have to call it at best with my lack of psychological terms.

The first time I was slapped was within two weeks after I moved in (we married in 3-4 months). Pretty impulsive on both our parts, but at least I've been through plenty of counseling to know that Ive been diagnosed with possible bi-polar, type II (the less pronounced form) and with ADHD. He I believe, is definitely narcissistic and schizophrenic and/or down right evil yet with the sense enough to preserve his freedom. Let your conscience be your guide after you see my list of his abuses that went on in the coarse of 6 yrs.

The bad part is that I let the relationship and the abuse continue on...(by leaving for a few weeks to months and then going back) after hours of listening to him with his power of persuasion over me taking me back to the "honey moon phase."

On average, he would grab or somehow put his hand on me in a dominating way that always progressed with each new scolding/lecture within two weeks of my return if I didn't obey his rules because everybody else's way was wrong no matter what. If they didn't wring out the dish wrag and hang it his way over the faucet to dry, literally it was wrong. He would pick it up and sniff it to make sure I washed it after every time I used it. Sound like "The Burning Bed" to you, it was to me. That's only one example out of probably a hundred things that had to be done his way I've probably blocked out. Although to this very day after being divorced approx 24 yrs, I still subconsciously drive the way I had to with my hands on the wheel at the 10 and the 2 o'clock positions, only one of his many rules.

Ok I'm sure you've got the picture by now or at least you will have a notion after you read the list of the worse things he did to me which have given me not only full blown panic attacks that wake me in my sleep, anxiety disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. And I think I mentioned something about the slapping and/or punching in other areas on my body which I could cover had to be close to 100 times collectively.

Thanks to staying as long as I did and being such a tough trooper, I now have degenerative discs and arthritis in every vertebra in my neck along with stenosis (pressure on the spinal cord), two pinched nerves and a tear in one of my discs.

And last but definitely not least, I now have to watch my grown sons deal with the same tendencies passed on by their dad. Yea, I guess I will always struggle with guilt over this but before you throw the first stone, take into consideration that back then we didn't have the protective laws that are in place now.

They had just passed the first law to make available VPO's (which used to be permanent) and I finally did file whenever I divorced him. But he still terrorized not only me but also my boys and even kicked in my apartment door one time when my oldest didn't want to see him and I told him to go hide in the bathroom. They would beg me to tell him they couldn't go but he would see through it, demand that he talk to them and coerce them to go with the promise of gifts and/or intimidate them into it (which could take over an hour or more) in my apt. I finally started calling the police on him but he would always leave before they got there. It wasn't until after 4 years of him stabbing my tires (which my mother witnessed), scratching my car right in front of me in my mother's drive way with his pocket knife and lifting the hood of my car in a parking lot right in front of me and disabling my starter all during arguments or moments of intimidation before I married someone else.

One reason I stayed so long was because if he did start "bullying" (or abusing) the kids, I could then intervene and he would of coarse turn up the violence and direct it on me. I'm sure it saved the kids some abuse at the time but when I couldn't take anymore and left, it did nothing to help me prove to even my attorneys that he was abusing the kids also. Oh yea, back then it was "ok" I guess they thought for him to abuse me in front of them as long as he didn't abuse them. The fact was once again (as he did with me) he didn't abuse them severely enough at one time for me to prove it. I kept journals like my attorneys advised me to, of what little I could piece together which mostly turned out to be on a mental basis because the kids wouldn't want to talk much out of fear. I even found a small bruise on my three year old once and turned tried turning him in to DHS who only 'slapped him on the wrist' and said "don't do that again."

Things he did to intimidate and/or abuse me on top of the approximate weekly slap in the face or punch in the arm.
1. Put what I thought was a loaded gun (showed me one bullet in gun which happened to be a blank) to my head and pulled the trigger 6 times, laughing at me hunkering down in the floor.
2. Hit me while I was laying on the floor in a defensive posture on my back, with a golf club on the thigh (pretty bad bruise).
3. Hit me across the back with a one inch thick, round dow rod for not wanting to eat deer meat while I was pregnant.
4. When I was 7 - 8 mos pregnant, hit me in the back while I was boiling water on the stove.
5. Around 8 mos pregnant, he kicked me in the stomach.
6. He slapped me so hard it busted my lip in front of my oldest son who was about 4 yrs at the time.
7. Actually admitted to my Mother that "at least he didn't hit me in the stomach" when she asked him how he could hit me while I was pregnant.

I'm sure I probably sound pretty negative at this point in my story. I just want to get the point across that you can't change him/her no matter how good you are or how hard you try. OMGosh did I hate it whenever OU would loose a game or things like that because it would mean he would get in a bad mood.

I truly believe that he hates women because he could hardly stand to be around his mother at times. He told me once he couldn't stand the way she laughed. She is a decent person but was also a victim of physical abuse from not only his real Dad whom he never really knew but also his step dad with whom she stayed with too long, just like I did. And now it almost kills me to have to watch my grown boys struggle with it because...I stayed, and now I'm still paying for it 31 yrs later and so are my kids.

this can be edited any way you want, just don't change the point I'm trying to make to victims

laura53 laura53
Nov 28, 2012