Lingering Effects

I have written many stories. I have shared my pain and hopefully some of you have found some comfort or identify with the issues I have and am facing.  It has been several years since I physically left my abuser.  I tried to be civil and just go with the flow for a couple years thinking don't cause any issues keep it calm its best for the kids.  

Well flash forward to now and my patients has gone.  He rarely sees his children yet guilt's them from afar.  Refuses to send any child support and is now asking the court for money from me.  I had to get a Lawyer to help me with this process. My advice ........pick you Lawyer wisely ......mine is awful and I am stuck with her for this part of my journey.  

 I am told to detach and just stick to the facts.  Take all emotion out of it.  GIVE ME A BREAK!  He emotionally raped me for years.  How does that become irrelevant?  Oh but it does.  .........courts don't care how you feel.  They don't care for much other then dollars and police reports.    Even then  the emotional toll this abuse took on me is not something you just "get over".  I am struggling so much.  I am on a constant tetter totter.  Never knowing when the next blow will come.  I used to fear him.  I used to fell worthless and was abandonded by him.  Now that is for the courts to do.  

I have now become a robot when it comes to dealing legally with all this crap he's done to me.  Either way I look at it.  I loose.  I lost when I made that bad choice to be with him.  Now I have to live with the choice each time I stayed.    People are not sympathetic to emotional abuse yet that is the hardest thing to deal with.  No one will understand how the feelings overwhelm you.  Come out of no where.  I wish I knew why I felt all the way's I do.  I wish I knew how to stop and change immediately.  I don't and It' doesn't look like that is possible.  Crazy how leaving an abusive relationship stays with you lingering on even after the physical is gone.  

Now no police to call.  No fights not even a word between us.  Yet ........he lives in me.  Deep down where he hurt me all those times.  Climbing out of that pain is so difficult to do when there is no rope to hold on to.  I don't want to be in this place of pain.  Yet it's where I live.  Therapy helps for the moment even sometimes for the day.  Then reality sets in ........I am still that same women.  The masterpiece creation of his manipulative landscape.  I want to be free of all this.  I want to move on.  It's hard when you can't get any validation.  Its hard when your made to feel ..........well.......Like your back in the middle of it again. Those feeling.............they LINGER.
flodials flodials
41-45, F
6 Responses Nov 28, 2012

I know this is an old post, but to read that last paragraph about the lingering feelings.... I relate to what you've written. Most of the abuse in my relationship was emotional, psychological, and financial, but there was some physical and sexual abuse in it as well. I've been in and out of court since 2012 as well. Finally legally divorced this year, but still he plays tug of war with our daughter. Not because he loves her and knows what it is to be a father, but because he wants to WIN. At any cost. It forces me to play the game. I'm so TIRED of this game. So tired. BUt I have to play, because even though I understand what's at stake, HE doesn't. I have to sit in a court room while a judge thinks we are BOTH doing things out of line simply because I bring it to light in court. The judge looks at me like I'm at home telling my eight year old every tiny detail of everything that 'daddy' does and interrogating her, and treating her like a pawn, while HE does just that. I go to court, I testify, and of course you can't explain in a court room. Only answer specific questions. So I don't get to tell the judge the painstaking efforts I make to make sure she never hears a thing. I don't badmouth her father, I even encourage her to do things like make him things, and I STILL make excuses for his behavior when she asks. Nope..the judge assumes we're BOTH awful people and gives us lectures in court about not tending to her best interests, and actually said last week that he thinks we can find a common ground on which to parent effectively. He wants us to WORK TOGETHER for her best interests. How do I tell a judge that it's impossible to work with the man who abused you for 13 years? Who still has no remorse, no emotions, and continues to verbally abuse you every time he gets. Still continues to try and control you with anything and everything he can.... How can I work with this man to share time with our daughter? The judge gave him supervised visitation only for now. Thank God. But we still share legal custody and I am about to have to go to court and testify on terminating joint and wanting sole custody, and I will have to face him again in court , and be cross examined, and interrogated. I feel revictimized every time I have to relive it all on the stand. And no one understands . I want to forget it all. It hurts . I feel ashamed that I stayed as long as I did. And that I let my children suffer for years before I got out. That I let them learn from bad role models. And then in court he pretends that everything I testify to is a lie, and a surprise to him. And I feel like maybe I'm the crazy one. Though I know I'm not. And I feel alone. Because most of the abuse was behind closed doors. Or the people who might serve as witnesses to it are now over 1000 miles away and can't afford to come here just to help ME. I want someone , anyone, a judge especially, to see what I lived with, and validate something. I want someone besides me to see I'm not the crazy one. I'm so tired tired tired.

I am sorry for your pain. I understand. I am still going through crap. I stopped writing on her so much because only so much you can say. I am up at 4 am can't sleep cause of flashback of moment that have been bashing through my brain for the past few days. It goes for a bit but it always comes back. I have done group therapy and one one one sessions with counselors and am waiting to talk to get another appointment. Like I said it lingers. I still can't seem to find my self worth and his words sit like a cloud hoovering over me. People don't understand....heck I don't even understand. I know why I feel things now. I am better at identifying and know some triggers's 4 am and I am here...Your not crazy just lived a crazy world for a while...we both have survived a horrible time. let's hope for better days.

I do know a therapy that can help. My flashbacks mostly stopped, and i found my self worth and my voice. Its called EMDR therapy. Without it i would never have even had the courage to walk away.

Add a response...

I am sorry for you. My youngest daughter was in a very emotionally abusive relationship. She left him and he did everything that he could to get her to come back. Wisely she did not. Now she has found a man that truly loves her and she is very happy.

I hope you are finding the support you need. take comfort in knowing you are not alone. As you write your book you might look at something that has been helping me on my journey, maybe its a mind set but I take from many things and use it for my path. Look to your inner child and protect it. You may google it and see if it makes any sense. If you want you can also pm me to talk. Good luck on your journey.

I sympathize sweetie...I can relate to your feelings of emotional pain and manipulation. I'm sorry you're still hurting so badly this far out. It's easy to remover yourself physically from someone, but it's another thing to rid your heart, mind, and psyche of them. I'm in the midst of such a situation myself. I have lived with it for 17 years, hit rock bottom, and it's been a long, slow, and painful climb to get to where I am now. Even clearly recognizing the relationship is textbook, lol...part of me is still in denial. To me an abused woman was one who's physically beaten daily...who's afraid of being hit at any the smallest instance. It wasn't me. I'm still trying to learn and wrap my head around it all. It's surreal to realize that your experience, feelings, emotions, etc. over most of your life are not unique to you, but the norm among abused women everywhere. I thank you for sharing your story...your pain. For what it's worth, it's helps to know that others have been in my shoes. xoxo

Thank you so much. I am happy and hopeful for your situation too. I have written so much about my journey and I go back and re read several of them. I have always had a difficult time with the fact I was abused. One of my stories talks about my issue with me not being overly physically abused. I thought abuse was physical. I thought I stopped him when he didn't hit me again. I thought I was in control. I sometimes feel foolish many times feel shame. I know other women are out there in the same pain. I can relate to many but still have an issue with my situation. I am getting better at identifying my feelings yet the fact they still overwhelm me is difficult. I have hope though. I know it will improve. I just need to keep on working. Cheers to you and thanks again.

I hear both of you and I understand. I too was in an abusive relationship. I have since healed some due to help and support I have received from an amazing group of online supporters. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. :)