I Live Everyday Hopeful For Change

Here is my story. I have been in a relationship with a man who is seven years older then me. I remember when I met him I was so very happy, you see I was thinner, had energy, friends, living on own, car paid off , good job.. I was singing that day Karaoke.. somehow he caught my attention when I could not find my jacket . He offered his help and after that we talked . I was at a point in my life that if I met someone that viewed life the same as me and had plans for future like me that I would allow myself to take it to the level it would go to one day at a time. Well lo and behold he was over my place daily, we dated , went here and there had fun around town. We enjoyed eachothers company he then began to stay at my place then sooner then you know he moved in. Next thing you know I had to part ways with anything in the home that was from the past. As he put it.. I was holding on to it.. and he did not say it nicely he was mean, he said things like " yeah you have a past god knows how many you have been with?? this is just a bit of the language he would use to pretty much make me feel like I was worthless.. the red flags were there early but it became the classic cycle of emoitonal abuse. A roller coaster up and down, I love you I hate you. and me.. always the one in despair, lost , crying, empty, feeling defeated each and every time he always found a way to comeback and make up for it only to last a few days ok then back to insults this was five years ago. In those five years, I have gained wieght, I have no energy, I have no friends , I lost a new car I bought in both our names he lost it .. as he quits jobs all the time.. and then it becomes my fault, He works in restraunt business and says I dont let him work because I call him to say hello. I feel so alone and abandoned.. now he just quit another job and is expecting that I give him money oh wait did Imention he also gambles.. ? I am at my wits end I have a good stable job, but will barely be able to make ends meet but I am willing to do whatever it takes except say good bye..How can I get out of this emotionally thats my problem I dont know what I am afraid of.. I know there is nothing I lose expect for a few bucks that he helped with. He twists everything around , and will get me to cry my heart out without showing any compassion. My tears do not move him I think he enjoys it .. I am resenting him more and more as time goes on but I need to get out .. I just am caught in this cycle. I am tired of the manipulation when it comes to money, he says I owe him back for any money he spends on food, he has never given me half of rent or bills he gives me but never enough . He has even taken money I had saved when he actaully gave it to me to save then takes it of course to gamble.. oh I cry as I am writing because I am seeing a reality here that is just aweful I am ashamed and feel foolish..
fiftyways fiftyways
41-45
3 Responses Dec 14, 2012

It's not you that needs to get out, it's him. He is living in your home. Just kick him out and be done with it. Men like him don't deserve any better.

Follow your gut and get the hell out of there. I had the courage to leave 4 days before my son was born with two of my other young boys as well. I know one day they will thank me. It has been a year since I left and although it Is hard and we have had to sacrifice it was the best thing I could have done. I am married to a psychopath and came to the conclusion that the emotional abuse was so bad I didn't want to wait around to see if it became physical. It was always my fault and he never took any responsibility for his behavior. He would also act like nothing ever happened following each episode. There were red flags and I always dismissed them. Never again. I got myself and children away from him but I will never trust him again for the rest of my life in regards to our children. Leave now, don't wait until it gets worse. It's there.

I can only pray that you make the right decision and that all the doors in the world open up to you. You aren't alone and you are worth it. You have proven that you are able to take care of yourself, by yourself. Let no one enslave you. I pray that you find peace and a new life (and that he gets everything he has inflicted on you and worse).