Finally Had The Courage To Walk Away...I was in a abusive relationship for over two and a half years. Now that probably doesn't sound like a very long time to you, but believe me when I say this, it felt like ETERNITY. I felt like a prisoner in a cell just rotting away, and wishing I was dead. I cant even tell you how many times I tried to walk away from that relationship. So many times that I've lost count.... But he had a way with his words, and every single time he made me feel bad and I was lured back in. Some times when I tried to leave him he would take his car and chase after me. I would drive my car away and hide shaking in fear until he would disappear. And then later I would get thousands of missed calls and messages from him crying into the phone saying "How could you do this to me? I thought we loved each other?" When someone has beaten you down so bad emotionally you dont even have the courage to leave because they make you so emotionally dependent on them.
The relationship started last summer, and of course the first months were great. He was extremely charming, caring, and flattering, buying me gifts to show his affection -necklaces, rings, earrings. Telling me how much I meant to him and how much he loved me. It wasnt until the second month I noticed another side to him and his true colors started to show. He had severe anger problems, he was emotionally abusive, possessive, controlling, demeaning, extremely jealous, and threatening. I can recall an incident that I still have flashbacks about and will never forget. One day in his anger he grabbed my throat in an attempt to choke me. I still remember the look in his face and how badly I was shaking in fear. Several times in his anger he grabbed and jerked my arm, or pushed me really hard. But he was mainly extremely psychologically abusive. He used several scare tactics by making me feel fearful of him, or feel bad about myself. He would yell and shout at me so much that his vocal cords would almost break. Anytime he began yelling or screaming at me my body would just freeze up and my heart would start beating so fast in fear because there was no telling what he would do next. He would throw things around me, break furniture, punch walls, swerve the car and attempt to crash it on purpose to scare me. Several times I could have sworn we almost died in the car. He was always a ticking time bomb. One day out of the blue, he once threatened to slit my throat in case I ever left him for another guy. He used to call me such degrading words such as h**, b****, w****, and s****. I used to cry so much and somedays I couldnt even cry because he would tell me to "shut up" because according to him I was "too sensitive and took everything the wrong way." I couldnt even express my feelings of sadness. I didnt understand what I ever did wrong. It was torture for me. And It came to the point that I went to get checked out by a psychiatrist last year. I was falsely diagnosed as bipolar and put on medications at that time because there were times I had retaliated due to his treatment towards me. I would react back in anger because I just couldnt stand the way I was being treated. I tried to stand up for myself, but it only added fuel to the fire and in the end he dominated the arguments and I would once again have to submit. He would of course always apologize and flatter me with affection and presents. These mind games went on every single day. If I didnt talk to him, my phone would blow up from calls and messages from him. He would cry hysterically till he made himself sick. He would tell his family how "abusive" I was to him. His mom used to say to him "If she hurts you so bad, why do you stay with her?" She didnt even know the extent of what I had to endure. What about me? What about my silent cries every day, and the nights I sobbed uncontrollably hoping that god would hear my cries.
Fortunately after pleading with him and crying for days, he finally tried BIPP classes but he dropped out shortly because he felt it wasnt for him. He always minimized the extent to his abuse. It wasnt until recently that he finally tried counseling. But I realized that counseling might not change everything. He has damaged me so badly. I sat there and asked myself is this really who I want to see myself with in the future? Do I really want to keep putting myself and my future children to this? I shouldnt have to sit and endure any more abuse if I dont want to. I had fallen into severe depression since I started that relationship. And I knew in my heart that if I left one day, I could finally recover and be happy again. And let me tell you. I was right. As much as I tried to help him get better, I was hurting myself. I was tired of being hurt and depressed and I knew I deserved better. Even my good friend at the time told me "whats happened to you? Your a changed person, this isnt like you..." Because in that relationship I had lost everything- all my happiness, my spontaneity, my zest for life, my sanity, and all my friends. I became extremely depressed in that relationship. I was in and out of therapy, until I finally found the right therapist for me. She has helped lead me to my path of recovery and I havent been this happy for a long time. I feel like im slowly getting my old self back now, but its been hard. He took over my life.... he watched my every move and he wanted to be in control of every aspect of my life (from the type of jobs I could apply for, where we could live, where I could hangout, who I could hangout with, how to dress, how to talk, what to talk about, how to act). At that point I felt like I was just an empty soul. I lost my individuality and I literally lost my self. I lost all my friends at the time because of how possessive he would get. He would make me feel bad for hanging out with my friends and guilt trip me for wanting to hangout with them. He made me delete and cut off every single guy from my phone and facebook. I wasnt allowed to ever talk to guys. He got into all my accounts to check on my facebook and emails because of his insecurities. If a guy so happened to look at me in public he went ballistic and almost started fights with them, until I calmed him down. But later, guess who got the short end of the stick? I did. One time an old guy friend of mine messaged me. He mentally tortured me by yelling at me in the car saying "imagine that guy raping you or imagine yourself getting f***** in the *** by his big ****!" He made sure to give explicit details to ensure I was punished. He would say this over and over to me. That was the kind of psychological torture I got.
I literally become a changed person because of him. It came to the point that I was a drone, or a robot that was controlled by someone else. If I ever disobeyed him, I would have to pay the price and get emotionally beat down by him. I was always demeaned and put down by him. I lived in fear and held my breath most of the time. I felt like I was always walking around egg shells with him. I tried my hardest to be obedient and to make him happy. I did everything he told me to do, because a) I didnt want to upset him and to have to pay the price, and b) because he made me feel like I was the one "always at fault." Even after everything I did for him, and all the changes I made for him on his behalf, it was never enough and he was never happy. It was always one thing or the other with him and I was ALWAYS at fault or in the wrong for some reason. It hurts me so bad when I look back because I knew there was part of him that was caring and kind, but it was hidden by his insecurities and his issues that he always took out on me. He claims he was never jealous of me or the kind of life I used to have, but I know a part of him was. I used to have so many friends, I was always happy, I was well-liked by everyone, I was smart, educated, career-driven. I could light up a room anywhere I went, I was funny and always made people smile and laugh. And I knew that he hated that.
As I finish this blog, writing away the last of my thoughts, Im left confused, hurt and sad. I dont know where or what to do now. I am finding that I have to pick up the pieces to start over and bring the old me back some how. But its hard especially after two and half years of loosing myself. I dont even know where to begin. Ive tried to reconnect with all the friends I lost, but I feel its too late. Many of my friends are long gone. I dont blame them because he scares off anyone he comes into contact with. Im hurt and sad that I allowed the abuse to go on this far...two and a half years of damage is alot on a person. I pray that I can recover and find the courage to move on with my life now. Im scared that he will guilt trip me into coming back. As much as he hurt me, a part of me like any victim still cares and loves their abuser. Even with all the abuse there was a connection, and I knew he was a good person at heart but with alot of issues. I'm happy in my heart that he is finally getting the help he needs, but its about damn time I start taking care of myself and standing up for myself. The problem with me is that I put others needs before myself. Im a helper and a nurturer. I wanted to help him, and I wanted it to work out. I tried so hard to make things work, but nothing changed with him. I'm finally happy now and thats how I know I made the right decision.... as hard as it was and still is for me. Deep down inside I know that ending the relationship was the only way I could finally get better. And I was right. I thank God for giving me the courage to move forward.
The purpose of this blog is to share my experience with others to offer some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they too will get through it. The only way I am able to move forward is to keep reading this blog to remind myself of how I tried to leave that relationship at least 1000 times, and why I did. I pray that god gives all of you that same courage to finally walk away...just remember that you deserve much better and there is help out there for you. God bless.