Completely Lost And Scared - but Making a Plan

I have such a long story... and such a need to share it all. But I'll keep to the basics for now. I am in an abusive relationship. Its taken me 4 yrs to admit that. I must leave, and have began building a plan to do so. I have so many questions and doubts swirling in my head. I am so scared, and I don't even know why exactly. I don't know where to start!!

My husband is constantly moody and irritable. That alone is hard to live with, but he is also so vicious at times. He really screws with my head until I don't know if I am coming or going. Worse, he does this to my three children. I have seen changes in them that tell me that this situation IS hurting them more then i'd like to admit. The day in day out walking on eggshells is killing all of us.
I know this is very vague... but I'm afraid that if I start on specifics I'll never stop.

Yes, he has hit me. Maybe once a year. But its the constant control, mindgames, demands... the mental and emotional abuse that has me ready to tuck tail and run. Tonight I had all 3 children locked in their room with the phone ready to dial 911 while HE followed me around the house yelling and blaming and begging and when that didn't work he threw bottles at me. We all made a break for the car but have nowhere to go...

I do not work because every job I've ever held hasn't been good enough for one reason or another. He berates me everyday for making him support us - yet sabatoges every job I do get. I'm waiting for tax returns... I'm going to clear the bank and run. I've already began packing things he won't miss and organizing the rest under the pretense of cleaning. We have to hold on for another month or two. Its the only way.

I've left twice and he followed me and hounded me and stalked me until I gave in. This time I'm leaving the state, changing my number, everything, all at once in one day while he is at work. Its the only way. The children are mine from a previous marraige so there won't be any legal issues there. I'm steadfastly putting details together... job possibilities, housing, assistance if needed. I'm terrified, but determined!

But I worry and wonder about after... after we leave, then what? And our friends and my family... what are they going to think? And can I really do something so drastic all alone and keep it together? Sigh. What a mess!
Shea8432 Shea8432
26-30, F
7 Responses Jan 6, 2013

My abuser plays mindgames too. But hes a narcisist, its always about him all the time and what he can get out of you for him. I decided there is no use talking to him anymore because everytime he opens his mouth I want to rip his freaking head off. He always says for me to pack my **** and go. To get out of HIS house. But thats what he does, whenever he sees me with my bag packs he beggs me to stay. Its a game to him. But little does he know that Ive stopped buying into it. So I sat down and made a list of the little odds and ends I need to tie before I leave.

I really just wish people could understand the constant fear day in and day out. The constant weight and pressure. My abuser treats us so badley, you can feel the unhappiness in our home. Theirs hardley any peace or happiness. Just constant sadness and just trying to survive. And even after everything they do, all the horrible things they do and say. They still dont think they did anything. They are always innocent. Its like their monsters, not even human.

Hi, Im seriously going through the same thing. It took me awhile to get to this point but I did. In the beginning of the year I asked the lord to show me the truth about this man and my situation. It was like an awakening. Any love I had for this man or hope for the future dwindled due to the awakening. It was like God gave me a new pair of glasses. I see right through him now, all the lies and his manipulation. He has taken my identity, self worth and self respect. He has called me everything under the son, even **** and *****, ( even though Ive never cheated on him). Hes locked me out of the house, stolen my car for days at a time, punched holes in the wall, pulled my hair, threatened to push me out of the car while he was driving it at 100 miles per hour, threatened to run the car into a train, put fists in my face, knocked me over the head with a crutch, threw things at me, blackmailed my posessions, threw my purse, kicked me while forcing me to clean up messes, kicked my sons toys around, threatened my life, threatened my wellbeing, robbed me of financial support from him, stolen money from me, took the air out of my tires so I couldnt leave, blocked me to preven me from leaving, and took his frustration and anger out on our 7 mo son and much, much more. Hes so unpredictable, it too is like walking on eggshells. Not to mention the constant critiscism all day everyday. He blames me for everything. If I hadnt done this, if I hadnt done that. Ive tried over and over to tell him how his behavior makes me feel, desperately wanting him to understand, to empathise, to feel my hurt. But everytime I open my mouth about my feelings, he tells me to " Get off his ***. "But he calls this " bitching" and says he aint anybodys *****. Everytime he hurts me, he says its because I " bitched" or I somehow " dogged" him. He ignores me emotionally. Ive come to the conclussion he just really dont care about me or our baby boy. He somehow believes hes a great father even while doing this to me. Our son has had fear in his little face many times, clinging to me because hes afraid of his father. Ive been unable to get our son on a solid schedule because of his father's emotional outbursts and how it makes me feel. I feel constantly terrorized by this man, even afraid to leave the house for fear I either wont get back in, or I come home and find him upset about something else I did. He even told me to go to a psychiatrist because I was crazy and needed the help. Well that backfired on my boyfriend, she said hes crazy and sick. The psychiatrist told me to get a plan together to leave. Im petrified, scared to death. Ive tried so hard to stay with this man because I wanted our son to not be without a father. But since my enlightment from the Lord, I know i have to leave this man. I cant bear to see fear in my little boys eyes one more time. For this I want to utterly rip his father's head off. And to just sit there with no remorse or shame, but only blame for me for his actions, absolutely sickens me. I have nothing but pure and utter hatred for him. And to think that I fell for his BS lie in telling me he loves me or loves our son. That was just another way he manipulated me to get whatever he wanted out of me. I wish nothing but the worst for him. He is a selfish, selfish, cruel, ungrateful and heartless man. Our son is so beautiful, he came out just perfect and I know im a pretty attentive and caring mom. And that is not good enough for him. When he holds our son, he even asks our 7 month old weather or not he loves him. At first, I thought nothing of it. But now I see that such a simple question could be a symptom of his sickness. Its like hes making the baby all about him, to validate his emotions, his needs. Almost like making the baby responsible for the way his father feels when our son is not even aware of his own emotions yet. I find it very sickening. Anyways, I can go on and on about this pathetic man. But I realize hes just a very selfish, sick individaul that never gave a **** about me or his son. I hate him with a passion but now know I have to leave.
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There are domestic abuse shelters for women and children. Find a local one they help you start over. As soon as u locate the number call them and they will tell u where they are. Don't tell anyone where you are going. It's private and they monitor the place with cameras and the doors are all locked. If you have a hard time finding them just call a counselor explain your situation and tell them you need the number. You can also get a PFA on him. Good luck I hope this helps please be safe!

It was an oversight on my part. I edited. Yes I should... I just need someone to listen when I relive the horrors and to give advice so I don't repeat past mistakes. So much bottled up inside me for so long! Horrible things and I'm so angry! And so ashamed, and sad... uhg

They ARE NOT HIS CHILDREN! They are mine from a previous marraige

Sorry, Misunderstood. Then yes, by all means, you should go.

Shea, I feel bad for you. I agree you should go if he is being abusive. But you must be mindful of the law. You should contact an attorney and a domestic violence shelter. You can't simply up and leave the state with the kids, it's more or less parental abduction. Good luck to you. Hope it all works out.