What The F*** Just Happened?

I love my partner. We have been together for two years. We met at school, and fell in love. Our first date we went to the symphony. We relate on so many levels, intellectually, emotionally. We like the same music, have similar taste in fashion, enjoy literature and poetry of a similar caliber, often sharing books and discussing them. We are both atheist Buddhists, and we are both bisexual. We have both been through a lot of messed up stuff in life, been abused, addicted, lost, abandoned, disoriented. But we both want better lives for ourselves then those we led before we went to college. Things have been... not so good. I have a medical condition which is very painful, and was prescribed large amounts of opiates and became addicted. I was not my normal self while I was dependent on opioids. I was absent, sleeping often, detached, slow moving, disoriented, moody, angry, mean, selfish. After about six months of use, starting out mild on low dosages and creeping up to startling high dosages, I sought help. I went to an out patient drug dependency program. But not before spending three weeks at home detoxing with no one but him to comfort me in my agony. We also have a child, his step-child who he's adopted into his heart fully, (partly why I fell in love with him.) Once, when I was messed up on pills, I went off on him and he smacked me in the face. Yesterday he was sleep deprived, had been off his SSRI for two days (major depression, Asperger's Syndrome), just started a new semester and everything was going wrong, I had my suboxone maintenance appointment cancelled, panicking about detox, slept half the day due to chronic pain and stress while he watched the child, and woke up and we started arguing. I said he was emotionally unavailable and being hostile, and I needed him to be loving and supportive. He said he was, and said he always takes care of me. I told him I have been taking care of myself for a while now pretty well, and it was him who didn't take care of himself.... it just devolved rapidly to spitefulness, meanness, and emotional exasperation, rage, and a mutual sense of rejection. I plunked myself down on the floor by the door to the bedroom, he sat across the room on the bed. He told me to leave, (it's my dad's house, and I have a bad habit of being territorial about the space..) and I told him I didn't want to. He could leave. I didn't want to. At some point he got up and I think we were yelling at each other. He shoved this full, three foot tall laundry basket that was in front of me, sitting on the floor, into me, hitting me with it. I.... I have been a victim of moderately severe domestic violence before, I have slight PTSD. I jumped up and shoved him, and weakly knocked my knuckles against his jaw, (seriously, he didn't even recoil.... it was like, I wanted to punch him, but I couldn't. still, lame, I know. ) I screamed at him to leave to get out get away from me leave your things go barefoot in your shirt sleeves I don't care get out your not going to hurt me that way. And he backhanded me. He backhanded me with his large hand, full force (on his own confession, "among the best contacts of a hit he's ever made... he was in martial arts.) hit my right ear with his knuckles, sent the world spinning, my head bursting, my visions dancing, my knees buckling. Before I knew what happened I was on the floor, sobbing, my ear and head in horrible pain, and he was gone. I wailed and wailed. My heart broken, visions of the torture, the death threats, the rape, the belittling of my ex dancing through my head. the heart break of giving up hope, of losing everything I've worked for, of losing a best friend, of losing the last thing in the world you thought was good when life beat you into nothingness already. I called my ex, who has since gone through his own myriad travails, and come out the other side fairly calm, (and intentionally single, relationships terrify him now, and rightly so.) I knew he knew how heart breaking this was. I knew he would tell me the smart thing. Which is leave. Leave and never look back. Once it starts, it won't stop, it won't go away. It will eat at you and then eventually it will come back. I told him, rationally, that I believed him, I know... with my reason, that he should be right. But this man, the man I love now, has always been so gentle. He's never been possessive, controlling, dominant, manipulative. He is broken. He hates himself, deeply. I don't know what to make of that. He treats me as an equal... he's often submissive and deferential, he likes for me to make decisions about our life frequently. Sometimes I'm too dominant. I am in therapy, too, and medicated for my depression. I just think, he just started his meds about 50 days ago, he went off them abruptly, accidentally for two days, he has some mental health issues, he was under stress.... He snapped, and he ****** up. Really bad. He's going to go to counseling, for the first time in his life. He said to me, "I have forfeited my right to defend myself in this." He said, "I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, I wish it never happened." "I want you to know, that whatever you do, I will always love you." "I want you to know, that what ever you need to do, in this relationship, whatever's best for you, right for you, I will accept that." He's so reasonable. He didn't beg me not to leave. He said, I needed to make that decision myself. I told him, despite social statistics, my own experience of him says that this was not normal for him. I also told him, and it's the truth, that I have made horrible mistakes and hurt people before too. I think we are both broken, and maybe that's not the best kind of relationship, but we're also both trying to heal ourselves, and trying to make our lives better... and we love each other, and want to help each other too. and we love our daughter. What he did was awful. I am very angry at him for it. It was the most stupid horrible thing he has done since I have known him, and probably among the most stupid and horrible things he has ever done in his life. He has had other relationships, he has smacked a girlfriend once before, open-handed....I don't know. I told him, "I have to be real. I want to be with you still... but if I find... in some time... that I can't live with this, I will leave. I will change my mind." that when he said he wanted me to do what's best for me. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly right now. That's one worry. I don't know. But he's my best friend, really and truly. I don't want to lose him.... I don't want to go through that heart break again. Maybe that means i "Shouldn't have started this relationship." but you know what, life doesn't have any set rules for winning or losing. We are all winning and losing. It's all relative, too. Subjectively relative. And subjectively relative to my situation, I love him, and I don't want to send him away, even though he ****** up really, really bad. It is all his fault, what ever the circumstances. He didn't have to hit me. But then, I didn't have to shove him or hit him when he shoved the laundry basket at me. it was a bad, bad day. Anyway. Thoughts, criticisms?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 11, 2013