Wounded Soul

As I lay here alone I cry, I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I key my husband 8 years ago. I was 18 and he was 21. I fell in love so quickly, he was the first person to understand me. My dad use to beat my mom all the time and sometimes when he was on drugs he would beat us, I had a miserable childhood. We dated for two years and my folks never liked him. We got married secretly after two years of dating, everything was perfect and I couldn't wait until I was a little older to start a life with him. He is an illegal immigrant from Jamaica. Well 3 years into the relationship we got into a huge argument and he beat me for the first time. I was so shocked and confused. I couldn't understand it. Since that incident I found out he was never faithful to me, and the beatings started to come on a regular basis. He cheats on me all the time and is still doing so. He is an illegal immigrant so he can't work or anything. I take care of the bills and pay for everything, food, rent, phone bill, clothes and so forth. I am a soldier in the us army, and ive never been injured in war but am wounded by the man I love. We have non children, over the course of our marriage I have had 3 miscarriages all because he beat me but I lied to the doctors at the ER. He has told one of the girls he cheated on me with that he's only using me for a green card and money but I refuse to believe it. 8 whole years and we've had some really good times together. It just hurts so bad. I love him so much, but I want to leave. Since he's illegal I'm scared if I peave him how will he eat? How will he survive? Why should I care anyway...who can I turn to ? After I spent so much time convincing my family that he is such a great guy. How can I tell them what he has done? I'm supposed to be this American soldier, I'm suppose to be tough, I'm so embarrassed to let people know how weak I actually am, that I've allowed this to be done to me. I lay here in this room alone, I'm not even allowed to watch tv. He picks wateer he wants to watch. But I chose thus right? So I guess I'll just live with it.
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 13, 2013

you better drop this man like a bad habit - he is not good for you and its only going to get worse for you if you dont do something about it - he beat you and you sit there and ask questions like what is he going to eat? how will he surive? i would not give that man one lick of mercy and you better drop that man and start thinking for yourself and if you ever need someone to talk to you can always leave me a message in my inbox -

no, you do not have to live this way, you can choose another way to live. Go to the national domestic violence website at www.ndvh.org and get the help you need to get out of this relationship. You deserve a better life, with someone who loves, respects and treats you good. Life is too short, don't waste any more time with this man. Good luck,and best wishes.

No NO NO NO you don't just live with it. My X was a cheater also. Hell girl I know your pain. My X is part Jamacian and part Barbadian. I didn't talk to my family for 2 years because they were against our union. I fought for him and defended him. I know your pain I understand your alienation. It's what abusers do. I was ashamed I was lonely I was broken. I fought back and so can you. I spent 20 years in my hell and we have 4 kids. Two of my kids want nothing to do with dear old Dad. 2 are still expecting him to change. I know he won't I know he will never admit to any wrong doing. Please know you are wonderful. You are amazing and you are soooooo very strong to take what you have already taken. Please reach out for help. You are in the military that is help there. Call a crisis line or womens support line they will listen and help. Keep on reaching keep on trying to make your days better. You wrote this anonymously please contact if you feel the need to talk. I am here for your support. Please know it's not your. It's HIM. Don't let him take anything else from you . Fight the way I know you have had to in the past. You can do it. Here for your support.