I Am Not Yet A Survivor.......

Why don't I consider myself a survivor if I am no longer in the relationship? Simple, everything she does still effects me.

Let me take a step back in time and help you all understand. In February of 2010 I met a woman and we fell in love. I left my husband for her while I was pregnant with my second child. (Yes I am fully aware that makes me a b*tch). The first 5 months we were together everything seemed fine. kind of. My husband I weren't speaking, for obvious reasons, and I wasn't getting out of the house a lot cause the pregnancy was hard on me. But it seemed as though my girlfriend cared for my daughter (my first child).
All changed when I had my son 5 months into the relationship. My girlfriend had absolutely no patience for my daughter and was forcing me to "get rid of her" whenever i could convince my husband or mother in law to take her. Unfortunately I was not strong enough to withstand this control. When I tried the physical abuse followed shortly on its coat tails.

This is a short synopsis of the abuse i suffered:

Control = She controlled every thing I did and said on a daily basis. who I talked to. Who I saw and when. When I worked.

Finances = Initially I was allowed to know the basics of the Finances and where all the money went. When I started asking questions, however, about the "missing" money I was quickly cut off from all knowledge of our finances. I was simply told to write down everything we needed and exactly why we needed it. She would than look over the list and decide what we could afford. Every two weeks i managed to look at the check "we" received from "our" job and when I worked out the finances never understood why we couldn't ever afford anything. until after I left when I found out drugs were possibly involved...

Emotionally = If I looked unhappy around others I wasn't allowed to see others for a while. If I was "too nice" to my daughter I was yelled at for coddling her and my parenting was restricted. If I was "too hard" on my son I was yelled at and my parenting was restricted.

Physical = I was forced to work 3 to 5 routes for the newspaper 7 days a week. I fractured my ankle and could barely walk but still forced to work. When I couldn't run the papers I was yelled at because she had to pick up the slack. When I began to have severe pain in my wrist and hand I was allowed to buy a wrist brace but folding the papers began to make cry even with it on. I was yelled at for not bagging quick enough and crying about it. I needed to "suck it up and do my job." That doesn't even begin to explain the many bruises I have never explained honestly to anyone or why my daughter was locked in her room for 4 days.

Once the courts got involved (due to my divorce) and she thought she would lose custody of my son she allowed me to fight for custody of my children. Around April of 2012 Child Protective Services got involved and I was "forced" to move out of my girlfriends house. I moved into My girlfriends' mom's house. It was a whole 3 blocks away. Not a whole lot changed. She wasn't allowed any contact with my children but that didn't stop her from controlling my day to day life as best she could.

Finally in September I learned I was in a domestic violence situation. I also found out there were Domestic Violence Shelters, that weren't as bad as i was led to believe growing up, and I qualified for going into one.

I was in my first shelter for 7 days before My husband picked up our children for his parenting time. I gave him permission to keep them and checked myself into the hospital for severe depression and anxiety with suicidal plans. I went in on a Thursday and came out the following Monday. the Monday I came out of the hospital, with my kids safely in another state I took my brother to my ex girlfriend's house to get my stuff.

She locked me in a garage. threw a table, a bag of can goods, a chair and several other mis. items. She punched the walls several times and ripped Christmas lights off the ceiling. The worst part of it all was when she shoved a knife in my face and kept saying she wouldn't be without me. at one point i made it out of the garage and on the phone with police. upon getting inside the house she took my phone from me (with the police on it) and cornered me in the bedroom. After a lot of fighting and yelling and fear I managed to get out of the bedroom and back outside. however, not before she found the knife again in the kitchen. once the cops showed up I left, left home, and quickly got on track pressing charges and getting an OFP. within two days I was set on both. It took nearly a month after that before I got into another a DV Shelter. I was there for a few weeks before She found me and I flew to another state.

Now if I am in another state how am I still under her control? Simple. She is sending me messages on a Facebook account I can no longer sign into. She just got a tattoo of my children. She is still talking about us getting back together. She is telling me I have been brain washed and nothing i say is actually what happened. I am still living in fear that she will find me and my children. I am still living in fear of what will happen if I have to see her. More so than anything else, I am still afraid of when my children look at me and ask "What happened?"

So I am not a survivor yet. I am still a Victim.
Justme214 Justme214
26-30, F
Jan 20, 2013