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Looking For Direction

I've been married to my husband for 7 years....together for 10. I have a beautiful 10 year old stepson and three fantastic daughters (4,5, and 7). I am a working professional and always counted on my husband for much of our domestic needs. He is a great father and alwas puts our needs first. However he has been physically abusive for nearly 10 years....it's ranges from a quick smack to being tackled and having the life beat out of me...this had occured 1-2 times in a year...nothing for a few years...then got extremely bad(child protective service involved) the end of last year to the point we separated.
Even though we were living in two different household we still see each other almost every day and stay at each others places. We still have a had a few minor altercations, but the abuse appears to have stopped??? And he appears to be trying, but how do i know it ever really goes away?
To complicate things...i recently found out i was pregnant. In my mind i've been fighting myself between staying and divorce and now this. I know i shouldnt just jump back in because nothing has been resolved in our marriage. I'm just so confused. We love each other so much, but admit we are both really sad and depressed at where we are. THere is so much I'm leaving out, but i'm having a difficult time trying to determine what to do...am i selling myself short of a happy marriage if he has changed? or am i dumb for thinking that he'll change?
desperateforadvice desperateforadvice 31-35, F 2 Responses Jan 30, 2013

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I would love to tell you that he has or can change however I come from a jaded side of seeing abusive relationships which I think most women in this group may. To want him to change to hope for him to change it what keeps you there. Seeing all the little positive signs will help keep you focused on the dreams of what it could be. On little hostile movement though and you are the women cowering on the floor in fear of the next blow. It will happen again. and again and again and well................ I used to tell myself my X was a wonderful father. I used to defend him to his children and keep the illusion going. However my daughter told me she knew. She knew the house was not a good place. Even as a small child she remembers the fights. So if you have children you are not raising them in a healthy house. They learn to have relationships based on what they see. Would you want your children to go through what you do? I think you know the answers to just looking for confirmation. You are worth so much more then what you allow yourself to endure. Get yourself some help and get yourself and your children safe. Emotional abuse will linger on for a lifetime. Your kids endure that now just hearing what you go through. Please get help and try to focus on you and not the charade that we play to get through our day. Please reach out and try to understand the whole picture of your relationship and the possibilities of what will happen. No one should EVER feel fear from the one that they love. That is control and not healthy. Cheers and here for your support.Flo

"To want him ot change to hope for him to change is what keeps you there. Seeing all the little positive signs will help keep you focused on the dreams of what it could be." You hit the nail on the head.

I think that as long as you have this constant contact with him you will always live in a hazy state of confusion. I stayed in constant confusion for 15 years. Real love does not keep you in a cloud of uncertainty. Step out of the relationship so you can think clearly.