My Children'S Pain

He can't control me anymore. I am not useful to his life.  I don't help him look good or take care of his needs so he doesn't owe me anything.  

His kids ........our kids.  The ones I kept blind to the real him they are now seeing so boldly he is  
He's  coming to see our 4 beautiful children which they have been looking forward to for 4 months now.  I am making arrangements to transport then to your mom's house for the long awaited visit.  

My 14 yr old daughter.  Honour student and such a beautiful smile walked into the kitchen.  So he's Dad's not coming this weekend.  She does a twirl and grabs a glass of milk and say's he said he didn't have enough money and he would try to come down sometime in February.  

My heart sunk.  *&^^$#%^##&*!!!! was going through my head.  I looked at her and asked how she felt ......

I'm fine....I thought he was coming next week anyway so I'm OK with it.
She leaves to go watch TV

She is masking everything but it's her coping so I can just be there when she needs it.

My son he's 12 walks in shortly after .........Dad's not coming this weekend.

I know buddy....I am sorry.  I give him a hug.  He plops down on the excise ball and is so obviously disappointed.  I sit on the floor holding his hands and tell how sorry I was for him and that he didn't deserve this.  I mean how dare you hurt your own son.  Your son who has been clinging on your every word for the phone calls you make. ........

I want you to know you have every right for anything you feel.  Are you angry?
Yes .....and sad 
I know buddy and you have every right to feel all those things.  I want you to know this is not you.  It's not your fault.  It's your Dad.  He can't seem much further than just him..............oh listen to me making excuses for that.....f'n ..well

I hug him again and tell him I can't change whats happened but we can try to make ourselves do something to distract ourselves this weekend and enjoy each other.  

It just hurts and makes me angry.  He tells me I have to understand.  He doesn't understand.  

I know buddy.  You tell him how he makes you feel.  I am so sorry for your pain if I could take it for you I would.  

I know Mom.  I love you he tells me.  

That .....f'n ....oh man my blood is boiling but I am remaining calm.  I walk up to my older daughters room.  So I am told you talked to your Dad and he's not coming.  

Ya ....
How do you feel about that?

I'm over it.  I kinda expected it.  

I see tears welling up in her eyes.  She is trying to hate him but she just wants her Daddy's love.  

Ya know what's the worst thing is though .....he tried to give me relationship advice after that.

What ??  He did what??

He asked me how my bf was doing and what's going on with that.  I answered and then he tried to give me some advice I stopped him and said I don't think your in any place to give me relationship advice Dad.  

Oh comon we all make mistakes.  He tells her.  You make mistakes too.  

I can't believe he did that.  

I ask if she was ok.  

Yea I'm fine.  Like I said I'm over it.

I am here if you want to talk I know your heading over to your bf soon but here if you want to talk.  

Ya k and she turned up her music and continued to get ready. 

My children are still being abused emotionally.  They long for him and he just continuously disappoints.  He promises and then breaks it.  It's not fair. I want to stop the pain but I can't I can only sit here and hope to help them through it.  

I am away from this bastard. I got free from his control.  

But look at what he still does.  Hurts me more than that first smack.  

flodials flodials
41-45, F
1 Response Jan 31, 2013

I grew up in a hell that makes this look like Disneyland. I'm still alive , though I've been alone all these years and even rejected the one loving woman who came along because.

This is to say, With the kind of love it sounds like you are showing your kids, they should come out great. Don't worry.

I am so sorry for your hell you lived. You can heal and move forward. You can find new coping skills. I go to group meeting and private ones and learn new skill every time. Never give up on yourself just because others did. I protected my children only for them to see the truth when it couldn't be hidden anymore. Loving yourself is sometimes harder then opening your heart to others. Skill I am still learning.

I lived as a kid what your kids are living now. Unfortunately, i did not see my father's true colours until I was about 18 years old. I do condemn what he did to my mom and me and my brother, but i understand that he cannot give more than what God gave him. So i am trying not to ask for what is impossible for him to give.

Protect yourself regardless. It's not impossible for him to give it's his choice. I do the impossible with my children everyday. I have zero support from him but allow him to see his kids when he chooses too. (which is very rare) Twice a year for a couple days at a time is the most he has been able to give. Just protect yourself and know who you are dealing with. No one is perfect but abusers will always be abusers regardless of who it is.