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I Want Out

It's been some time, I wrote in this website. The first time i wrote, things were so bad, i had to off load somewhere. So i chose to write my misery away. Thank you for all the encouraging responses,

Things haven't changed for the last time. I go through the same physical and mental abuse day in day out. Its a norm for me to be hit by my husband. Sometimes I just brush it aside. But sometimes it just hurts so much. Physically and mentally. Sometimes, i just feel like ending my life. But what will happen to my kids? Will they be able to take it? They have to face the whole world out there. Won't they be tormented by the absence of a mother, the gossips of the neighbourhood, the pressure from their peers....the list goes on. Its my two lovely kids I am worried about. Or not , I will be long gone.

I am tired all this. I want out. But I have no choice and no place and no financial means. I feel so much like a loser. I used to be such a brave person. How did I let a person called husband take control of me and make my life so miserable. God, it aches deep down.
God, how long more.........I am being hit for every other reason. I am being picked for every other reason. Everything I do is wrong. Every sentence i utter is wrong. Every move I make is wrong. I feel cheated. I want freedom. I want to have friends, i want to go out, i want to cut my hair, I want to wear what i like and I want to talk to whoever I feel like talking to instead of looking off my shoulders in fear whether he is seeing or not. I hate this sort of fear. I want to feel free.

I want to take out , pour out all the miseries.....but its so difficcult....i feel lost.....i feel abandoned........i feel lonely......i feel miserable.

I WANT TO DIE
Greatscorpion Greatscorpion 41-45 2 Responses Feb 6, 2013

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National Hotline for domestic violence is 1-800-799-7233 its worth a call. You are worth more than you think. I too wanted to feel free, to talk to whom ever i wanted to without fear. I too wanted to wear what i wanted. I did it. Im out. and you too can be free.

I am so sorry you feel this way. My heart really hurts for you when I read this. I have been just where you are. And boy, does it hurt. It hurts so deep it is almost unbearable. The physical pain is nothing compared to the mental and emotional turmoil you are going through. There is a way out for you. Whether you have to contact a family member or friend you haven't talked to in a while who doesn't have a clue what you are going through, or you have to contact a shelter for women. You don't have anything to lose. I left when I was too down to feel pride, shame, fear or anything else. I was so down I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I just had to get me and my children out of there. If I can do it you can. I promise you I was just where you are and wanted to die every single day. Praying for you.