Too Embarrased To Tell Anyone.Ive been abused physically, and emotionally most of my life. Starting with my mother who was absolutely crazy. So sweet and innocent to friends and neighbors, but they didnt know what she did in our home. Just to me, my younger sister she never touched. I was unwanted and unloved by her and she reminded me everyday. When she died, I cried because she was my mother, but not because I loved her. Twenty some years later, I think, why didn't I stop her? Push her off of me? Told someone? I never fought back, because she was my mom.
And now, it's like the story continues. My husband hurts me. When he's mad, when I've done something wrong, like when I don't clean correctly. He's punched me, kicked me, pushes me down, sits on me, pinning my arms with his legs so I cant move, covers my mouth when I scream, chokes me. Once he was on my back while I was in a choke hold on the ground, and I couldn't breathe, and I thought I was going to die. Just because I was throwing left overs away. And still, I stayed. I don't understand what is wrong with me that I stay!!! I love him!! It makes me sick to say that. But its the only thing I can think of when I think why am I still here? It's only been 4 years and he's been this way since Ive met him. I still married him. I use all the excuses in the world to excuse his behavior, but its not like he apologizes, or feels bad. He acts like it doesn't happen and wonders why I cry. Even now, four days later, after an incident, he wants to talk about finances. We haven't spoken in four days, but now he wants to talk about money issues....
Everyone thinks we have a wonderful marriage. That we are so happy. And alot of times, we are. Until I do something that makes him mad, and its always my fault. I make him upset, I make him hurt me, I dont listen to him or respect him. Its always my fault for his behavior.
So I wonder, what is wrong with me? I can't be the only one living this way, right?
Anyway, I just wanted to get these words out of me. Maybe get someone to talk to me, and tell me what a stupid fool I am.