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Too Embarrased To Tell Anyone.

Ive been abused physically, and emotionally most of my life. Starting with my mother who was absolutely crazy. So sweet and innocent to friends and neighbors, but they didnt know what she did in our home. Just to me, my younger sister she never touched. I was unwanted and unloved by her and she reminded me everyday. When she died, I cried because she was my mother, but not because I loved her. Twenty some years later, I think, why didn't I stop her? Push her off of me? Told someone? I never fought back, because she was my mom.
And now, it's like the story continues. My husband hurts me. When he's mad, when I've done something wrong, like when I don't clean correctly. He's punched me, kicked me, pushes me down, sits on me, pinning my arms with his legs so I cant move, covers my mouth when I scream, chokes me. Once he was on my back while I was in a choke hold on the ground, and I couldn't breathe, and I thought I was going to die. Just because I was throwing left overs away. And still, I stayed. I don't understand what is wrong with me that I stay!!! I love him!! It makes me sick to say that. But its the only thing I can think of when I think why am I still here? It's only been 4 years and he's been this way since Ive met him. I still married him. I use all the excuses in the world to excuse his behavior, but its not like he apologizes, or feels bad. He acts like it doesn't happen and wonders why I cry. Even now, four days later, after an incident, he wants to talk about finances. We haven't spoken in four days, but now he wants to talk about money issues....
Everyone thinks we have a wonderful marriage. That we are so happy. And alot of times, we are. Until I do something that makes him mad, and its always my fault. I make him upset, I make him hurt me, I dont listen to him or respect him. Its always my fault for his behavior.
So I wonder, what is wrong with me? I can't be the only one living this way, right?
Anyway, I just wanted to get these words out of me. Maybe get someone to talk to me, and tell me what a stupid fool I am.
An Ep User An EP User 5 Responses Feb 6, 2013

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Ladies you are all right.. It's time to get out of there.. I did and the heartache does last for a long time.. But IT DOES GO AWAY .. I promise you it goes away..I am here for all of you..feel free to message me whenever it's needed

I too live in an abusive situation. He controls me and makes me feel useless. He loves me but needs to be the decision maker. He has taken the whole macho man thing too far. I need to ask permission for everything and he needs me to obey him. I should just do what I am told. He yells at me and calls me horrible names. He wants sex daily and I need to wear heels and an outfit. EVERYTIME....

I understand. I am in the same situation. My Mother abused me and now my husband does. And just like you it's only when "I have made him mad", the thing is it is not our fault!! I made the decision to get away a few days ago. He his me while I was holding our daughter and he pushed me, her head almost hit the wall. I have to wait until Monday to leave, I will be quitting my job, which I don't want to do, buy it will be worth it. Once the initial heartache fades I know I will be in a better place. I hope that one day you will have the courage to say ENOUGH!! But until then stay as safe as you can. Someone cares, an that someone is me.

While I can't personally relate to your situation, I still urge you to leave. Please get out while you can. You don't deserve to be treated that way, there is a man out there that can treat you way better than your husband. Abuse never equals love and every time he has put his hands on you, he is showing how much he isn't loving and respecting you.

My heart goes out to you. You are not a fool. You are definitely not stupid. You are right, you are not the only one living this way. I kept up a false perception of my marraige for over a decade to everyone around me. First I did it for love, then fear, then pride, and lastly because I was convinced that I had already become so entangled in this person that there was no way I could start over. There is nothing wrong with you. Abusers are skilled at what they do. They take advantage of your kindness, love, forgiveness and anything else they can use against you. Love does not act this way. It doesn't even "sometimes" act this way. Love NEVER acts this way. Love is not confusing, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't threaten, it doesn't lie or manipulate or ignore. Let the cycle of abuse stop with you.