Don'T Know How To Leave :(

My husband and I have known each other our whole life pretty much. When he tells our story people always ooh and ahh, tell us how fortunate we are, and how they wish they had our relationship. All I can think is "if you only knew". At leat once a day EVERY day I am called a horrible name, or my weight is talked about (before I was fat, now I'm bony) and at least twice a year throw in some physical violence just I spice it up. I have been with this man since I was 17. I am 32. I want out. The straw that broke my back is he pushed me while I was holding out 17 month old toddler. She almost hit her head on a wall. I got so angry that I threw a tube of her snacks at him. Well that didn't go over well. He slapped me three times in the face. Hard. He works out for and hour a day five times a week. I am 5 foot and weigh 118lbs soaking wet. I can't live like this anymore. I WILL NOT have my daughter growing up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to be. My daughter is extremely intelligent. According to her teachers she is well above average. She understands what's happening. That morning after the incident I had to go go work and I dropped her off at daycare. They said she was sad and quiet all day. That night she tried her hardest to get my husband and I to interact with one another. I want to leave. I NEED to leave. I just am sit sure how.. His birthday is tomorrow, I want to leave after, how do I tell my job? I won't get unemployment if I quit. Do I just not come home? Is that the best way? I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy and that I don't deserve this. :(
lelehime lelehime
31-35, F
5 Responses Feb 9, 2013

hi there

i am so sorry to hear that someone is suffering as well like me. let me tell my story. i am 23 years old and married for 4 years in march. i am a muslim girl living in uk. i have been in the uk with my family for 10 years, came here when i was 13. in Nov 2009 i met my husband (he's 33 now) and thought the world of him. he charmed me and my parents and he proposed, i said yes and we married in march. he was my first although i did like a boy when i was in sixth form. 2 weeks after getting married, his true colours showed. i loved him and still love him very much, more than anything else. he used the fact that i like someone else to cut me off from university, seeing friends, going out alone and even to abuse me, both emotionally and phycially. but i always though it was my fault because i should not have liked that other boy. so i agreed to everything he said, what clothes to wear, not to wear make up etc, everything. the abuse got worse and worse. my parents kept telling me to leave him and tell the police, but i loved him and thought i deserved what i got because i did a wrong thing. i have had bruises, black eye, ripped skin on my face and broken skull in many places, all thanks to him. 2 months ago, we got into an argument about english music on my ipod (chris brown) and he acused me of cheating because i listen to chris brown music. it got really nasty and noisy and neighbours called the police. i now have to decide, go back to him or leave him for good as well have no babies. (i had a misscariage dont know why, we did have many arguments). everyone around tells me there is no way i should go back to him, but somewhere in my heart i still love him. i'm so confused. i dont know what to do. i left everything for him, i got 5 A-Levels but that's all gone to waist as he wont' let me work or study.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you

hey there

You are a brave woman, and a better one than me, i have known i need to leave for 10 yrs now, and i still stay because our lives are so intertwined. My 2 older kids are suffering dearly. I'm a terrible mum :(

I am so sorry. I am getting a plan together on how to leave the best way. I am worried about him calling kidnapping on me; or of he will fight me for custody. I don't plan on keeping our daughter away from him, because so far he is a good Dad. I just need to get away. Remember when you look at your beautiful children's faces; all it will take is to tell someone. That is what did it for me. I told a mutual friend of our, and he was flabbergasted. And he sympathized with me, which made a world of difference. Knowing that you have admitted it to someone, gives you strength to not only keep telling, but getting out. What really ****** me off about my husband is that to him, what he did was okay, but only in the sense of between him and me. He was very proud for Rhianna when she left Chris brown, as I sat there next to home I could only stare in disbelief. So it is just me that deserves this? That is all I could think about. Until ji came up with the answer no. No more, I don't care if its just slaps and there aren't any bruises. That makes it okay?!? No it doesn't.

you can try here:

Please contact a domestic violence hotline. They can help you leave and help you stay safe. You should be able to find a number online- if not, let me know where you are and I will find one for you. Do you think you can confide in someone at work? Can you let us know how it goes? You sound like a very brave person and a very good mother.

Thank you. Your words mean so much to me. I am thinking that Monday I can speak with my work. If they can give me my last check then I will have enough to get away. I do have some money in a 401k that I can cash out to live on until I find a job. I am scared on leaving, and scared of being alone. He has made me feel like no one will ever want me. And part of me believes him. I am scared that he will attempt to hurt himself when I leave. Should I tell his Mom? I know she will support me; she was in an abusive relationship with his father before he was killed. She has told me that I should leave before. I wouldn't keep our daughter away from him, he is a good Dad, just a horrible husband.

If you can trust his Mom, then I would tell her. but I'm not an expert and maybe you should talk it over with a domestic violence counselor. i spent many years counseling rape survivors, but domestic violence situations are more tricky as far as keeping safe. And you need to keep safe.