I'm feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed. I've been married for almost 17 years to an emotionally abusive narcissistic alcoholic. It wasn't until about four years ago that I realized there was something wrong. That it wasn't all my fault and me not being enough. Everyone else loves him. He's very good at blameshifting so he comes out as the wronged one.
He's very angry. He hates himself. He identifies himself by his duty to provide for his family. He loves guns and has many. He's never actually physically hurt me, but he's started making really weird threatening physical gestures and comments, blocking me from leaving rooms, freaking out if I go somewhere without telling him.
We have two boys together, 6 and 8. My oldest has sensory processing disorder and requires a lot of extra work and care. I have been working on building my own business so I can support myself and my boys. I think I'm there.
Yesterday I sat down with one of the womens' DV resources to plan out the actual logistics of leaving and what I will have to do to stay safe after leaving.
It is too much.
I don't want to spend years looking over my shoulder, worrying, being afraid for my safety and the safety of my boys. Running. Hiding. Custody battles. Manipulating the kids.
At least now he's semi-pacified and "manageable," even though staying is slowly killing me. Even though things are getting worse and will continue to decline. Leaving would be even more stress and worry and fear than I have now, plus I would have to do it all alone. That is not freedom.
Exchanging one hell for another more horrible hell...
I can't help but think how much easier it would be to just play that round of Russian roulette and tell him I want a divorce and have him either leave, kill himself or kill us all.
I'm just so tired. So tired of this dance. So tired of the fear. So tired of being trapped all because I didn't know how to say no when I was 18. So I married him because I didn't know how to say no, believing love would be enough.
kmn789 kmn789
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

they want the victim to be tired.

This is how I feel right now. I have a 5 year old son with SPD and severe anxiety. My husband has been physically abusing me for 5.5 years and emotionally abusing me for all 7 that we've been together.
People say to leave, that's what is best. Before he kills me. But I can't get there. He has made it clear that he will track me, take my son, and kill me at all costs, even saying he'd kill my son. How is leaving safer and better? It ensures my death. Those that know about the abuse and know him say he would never kill me. But those same people thought that they could change him when they can not. He knows he is abusive and has been 'working towards change' for 5 years now. Except, it's only gotten worse. Now i am left with bruises and marks all over my body, pain everyday from what he has done to me. He cheating, lying and stealing now too. My anxiety is out of control. and at every turn, anytime he sees me, he says something else mean and hurtful, things about even my rapes and pain that should never be brought up, but especially by someone you trust and love.
I don't see how leaving is better. At least here I can stop him from killing me, I can know what he's doing and if he's upset and respond accordingly. If he's not here, what can I do? Run and hide for the rest of my life? What about my son? Him too. That's not a life, this isn't either tho. He can come after me and kill me and I'd never be able to respond. I'd never be able to run. At least with him here, I can run.
Sorry i'm not of help, but I can understand your situation. Running away doesn't solve anything, it brings on a new set of problems. I wish it were easy and we had a sanctuary.

Honey you gotta get out. I threw my husband out three weeks ago and it sucks and it's scary and it hurts. But I also feel safe and free and happy. If you can't do this for yourself you gotta do it for your children. Do you want them to think this is what love looks like? I feel you. It sucks, I just posted my story through this anonomouse logon cause I am so afraid of what he might do if he finds out I posted something to get support. You are strong enough. I know you can do it!