Verbal and Emotional Abuse

 I've been wondering for the past 8 years if it was normal that a person that I loved so much could say so many bad things about me. I'm fat, I only destroy everything, if a check from a customer bounces it is my fault... I always thought that he realy loved me and that he told me all this because he wanted to make me a better person, I realy did. But yesterday I noticed:

1.that I could not remember the last time that I looked at myself in the mirror

2. That I fall assleep dreaming about the day I finaly die and see it as a relief and the only way to achieve happiness.

3. I noticed that I no longer speak with any of my friends and that I can't go out with them.

4. I no longer have goals and dreams I just try to get by without making him mad.

5. I have no self esteem 

6. If I cry I don't have a shoulder to cry on.


I know I need help but how do I do this?

metp metp
31-35, F
13 Responses Mar 4, 2009

friends, confidants, the situation is geting worse. I"ve been deprived of a car so I'm basicaly in prison. I have no idea what to do I'm desperate!!!!!!!!

Hello. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone...if you need to talk to someone, feel free to contact me. I am a SURVIVOR of domestic violence (physical, emotional, sexual abuse). <br />
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Honey, he hasn't hit you...yet. And even if he never does (which would surprise me), a person who loves you, and values YOU, who truly cares for you...that person would never EMOTIONALLY abuse you. That's NOT love. No matter how many bouquets of flowers, no matter how many times he cries...all of that? It's called MANIPULATION...and abusers are extremely adept at manipulation. <br />
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Saying all of that to make you a better person? That's BS. Were you a bad person before? Really? I highly doubt it. He says all of that garbage, because HE is inadequate. <br />
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((HUGS)) to you girlie. Please feel free to contact could use a good support system...a safety net...friends.

Hey, Mept, I guess you might have fallen into a depression and it's this depression what prevents you from seeing all the open doors you are actually facing.... you're not aware of them, but they do exist. Depression is a kind of self-protecting incubous devil, who installs itself directly in the immunity system of our souls, just as AIDS virus installs itself directly in our bodies' immunity system, preventing us to do or see whatever could make us defeat it. It blinds our eyes. I can't help you to overcome depression (if this is your case), because I lack the experience.... because I am not depressed yet. I'm struggling for live blindly, desperately, outragedly, madly, just like deadly wounded game struggle desperately against their hunters... I'm beeing kept alive by my own rage against injustice, I feed on it, and I can't tell you how to make your sadness become anger....but I wish I had some assets that you have and I lack. (and your depression prevents you to see). For example, I did call domestic violence hot line but I found that abusers almost "must" be males, and partners of their victims... in my case, It's my incredibly saddist mother who would appear as my victim, because she is systematically regarded as a "poor helpless elderly lady" and I'm a "strong and mature daughter".... adult sons and daughters are "by definition" the abusers.... but let me tell you something: no partner can damage people's souls as much as their own mothers... why? They cannot try to re-write all your memories, they cannot make all your own family members desert you and even try to destroy you....she tried hard, and even almost convinced me that I hated my grandparents and made them unhappy (he died when I was less than two and she when I was less than six!).... She is always telling to me and to anyone on Earth the whole story of my life but making every achievement or act of generosity appear as a failure or a bad action... a partner can convince you that your a shame only AFTER you met for the first time... and never from the very moment you were born.... <br />
I'm sure you have your own family to support you economically, or emotionally. I'm sure that hot line number policemen or family courts will be ready to consider you and not him as the victim... since "women" are socially regarded as "the weak ones".... but "adults" daughters are automatically regarded as the "poor helpless dear b/witches'" abusers.... he is only ONE person, he can by no means change your self-image since your childhood, nor make your own family support him in his efforts to destroy you.... call hot lines, society will stand for you, you have tha law and the juzges on your side, yo do have assets....

I'm having the worst day ever and I feel that this roller coaster ride is coming to an end. I don't have the energy to go on. I have fallen and I can't get up. Am I good enough for anyone? Do I have a purpose in life? Is there a reason why I should keep going?

Hi! All your comments have made a difference, they make me feel alive. Up until the moment I found this website I felt that nobody cared, that I would not be able to find a place where I could find support. So thank you all from the bottom of my heart. <br />
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I would like insight about why I just can't let it go. Why can't I just pick up my things and leave? Is it normal that I just want a stay here and keep enduring all.

Dartist is right: only insane people humilliate other people, or even animals. Not only the ones they "love" (of course they don't). Look, he's only ONE man. Only ONE person. One only bitter drop in the mankind's ocean. So little. I'm not only telling you that there are more men on earth. I mean you don't even need romantic love to be happy. You don't need husbands, boyfriends, lovers. But yo DO need yourself. Provided you can find a place to live in and money enough to buy food. Or one mere family member to count on, the world is your oyster. You need to meet Prince Charming, and Prince Charming is YOU yourself. And "he" is far nicer, wiser, skilled and talented and appealing than your "man". Alladin lamp does exist: it is your skull. Montecristo's treasure is already waiting for you, hidden in your brilliant future self. You only have to find the casket. The casket is full of surprising and glittering talents, charm, wisenes, knowledge and courage that belong to you already and you'll discover susprised when your future self opens the casket. Your name is already engraved in every jewel. The face engraved in every gold coin is just your face. You are the King and the Queen, you are the master. The boatman to Montecristo's Island fee is the kick right in the *** your "mate" is crying for every time he shouts at you. Brilliant people as your future self have no time for mediocrity.

He is only ONE man. Only ONE person. Dartist is right: only insane people humilliate other people, or even animals, not only ones they "love" (obviously, they don't), but ANY other being. But he is only one. I don't even mean he's not the only man on Earth; I also mean that people can live quite happily with no romantic love at all. People are not halves of couples. You don't need him. You don't need any husband, boyfriend or lover. You need YOURSELF. You need to meet Prince Charming. And your Prince Charming is YOU. He's hiding inside you. "He" is wiser, nicer, and far more skilled and talented than your mate. Provided you have a safe place to live in and a good chance to get money enough to buy food, or just one memer of your family to count on, believe me, the world is your oyster. Alladin's lamp does exist. it is your skull. You can have Montecristo's treasure because Montecristo's Island is already inside you. It's a casket full of glittering surprising talents, charms, knowledge you already have and just have to find them. You'll find them in brilliant your future self. Just find the cave where the casket is hidden. The only price you have to pay to the boatman is the kick right in the *** your man is crying out for everytime he shouts. Brilliant future selves as yours just have no time for mediocrity...

please, I'm also a victim of psychologiocal violence, and need a friend to talk to about, I habe a profile and a blog entry en this website, I,m H2O2, please read me.....

I am walking in your shoes right now. My husband has never hit me but the verbal and emotional abuse is still a part of my life. One thing that my husband does is scares me with his driving. He will intentionally veer his car across lanes of traffic. Run stop signs and red lights when I am sitting there screaming in terror. I have gone as far as to open my door and threaten to jump out of the car. Even my best friend will no longer ride with him when she comes to visit and my children also refuse to ride with him. I now try to make trips by myself to avoid being frightened. <br />
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He withholds affection from me and I never know what kind of mood he will be in when I come home. I traveled out of state on business once and could not drive back home due to an ice storm. I had to pull off and find a place to stay and I kept calling him to tell him what had delayed me but he never answered the phone. When I arrived home a day late and asked him why he never picked up the phone and wasn't he worried about me this was his answer. "You can take care of yourself. I knew you would eventually make it home." If it had been me, I would have not been able to sleep and at least answered the phone. Called the police or done something! <br />
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These are just a few examples of what my life is like. Normal, healthy, respectful people do not treat loved ones like this. I am now seeing a therapist and making plans to leave a life that is robbing me of my self respect. I know what you are going through. <br />
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Help is here on EP and there are domestic abuse hot lines where you can find help. A lot of abusers have low self esteem and also can be quite charming when it suits their purpose. <br />
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The most important thing for you is to realize that you deserve better than this from him. Do not allow his actions to rob you of your self respect. Call a domestic abuse hot line. His actions are causing you to fall into a depression. Becoming withdrawn from friends is a sign of depression. Thinking about death as a solution to this is a wake up call. <br />
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Admitting what you have written here takes courage. Asking for help means that you are a strong person. Your situation is shared by so many of us, both women and also men. <br />
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Make an appointment and talk to your family doctor about these feelings. There are good effective medicines that can help with the depression. There are also support groups for people going through domestic abuse and you can find one in your area through the hot line. <br />
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I will keep you in my thoughts for getting the help that you now need. I wish you all the best in your search for answers. Your life does not have to be like this.

I'm glad it makes you feel good! I've only recently joined and it does help. I hope you manage to change your situation one way or the other. You sound like a lovely lady and should not be treated like that!

It has been realy dificult for me to join and share this experience and I had really forgotten how nice it feels when someone listens to you. Thank you guys for making me feel alive! I will be eternally gratefull.<br />
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To answer your questions... First he was not like that in the begining, he was the kind of guy that gave flowers every other day, he was kind, he even cried once in a while. Then one day he asked me to go and work at his shop, so I quit my job and went with him. From that day on I became an ob<x>ject, no more flowers, no more freedom, no more kindness. I later learned that he had turned vilent with his exwife and that was the reason for their split after only 8 months of marriage. If I may say it he has still never hurt me phisically, he has destroyed furniture, tools, apliances, etc. but he still has not touched me. He does shout and insult me all the time and one moment says he hates me and the next that he loves me.<br />
I still don't know where I'm headed but participating in this group sure makes me feel good!<br />
Thank You all.

My Father abused my Mother and my sister and I. The guy may have problems of his own and by being with you his way of dealing with his problems is to take his anger and anxiety out on you. This will sound blunt, but, the only way for both of you to improve your lives is to address the situation and I suspect if the situation is bad, for you both to part. While you are there to prop him up this will carry on, and when he is under pressure it will only get worse. If you think he will address his issues and get outside help then that would save your relationship (if that is what you decide you want). But one way or another you need to gain control of the situation and realise your self worth. He has no right to make you feel this way about yourself. You are important, but you wont feel important until you view yourself as such. Only you can change the situation (of course you can get help, but you need to take the steps and ask for help from whoever you can), he will carry on like this as he is getting what he needs, you obviously are not. It may feel bad now but it can change, nothing is forever.

[[HUGE HUGSSS]] Your first line speaks volumes: IF the person TRULY LOVES YOU - they do not treat you like this. Love is patient - love is kind. I never believed this - I heard it, didn't beleive it, because he said he loved me: why did I feel SOO bad?? I HATED love. Still scared to death of it, biut I do know that I never experienced true love. True love enhanvcs you - it never hurts.<br />
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I went through a similar instance. He controlled me, emotionally abusive. I crawled out with NO pride. I leaned on my friends and the friends on EP who loved me until I could love myself.