I Am Learning, However...

I am learning that domestic violence is a learned behavior, and I believe that I am "teaching" my boyfriends to abuse me through my own word and behaviour. This makes me feel awful especially as my current boyfriend is facing numerous charges right now and is locked, and I feel at least partially to blame. I want to know what I can due to lessen what he is going through. I'm afraid just not pressing charges is not enough. I hope there is someone out there who can relate to me and I won't just get a bunch of "you stupid girl, it's never your fault" type hate mail.

sybyl sybyl
36-40
3 Responses Mar 8, 2009

Your're probably reading some stuff about how "we" tend to gravitate towards men like this...and that may be true and its something I intend to work on before I develop another relationship but you are not responsible in any way for his behavior. No matter what you say or do you can't make someone do anything let alone abuse you. Everyone is responsible fro there own reactions to other people. You need to heal and find out why you were attracted to "him" and maybe why "we" put up with such behavior but thats it. He still did what he did to you all on his own. Don't minimize it for yourself. Take Care and God Bless, Marie

You don't teach your boyfriends to treat you that way, they do it because they are a total piece of ****. You can not make someone abuse you, he is the one with a screw loose that makes him think that it's ok to hurt you. God, do not blame yourself for someone else's actions. If it wasn't you it would be someone else, he is an abuser plain and simple. Nothing you can do will ever change what and who he is. He will never change, it will only get worse, trust me.<br />
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Do you think he ever once asked himself what to do to lessen what you are going through with him. No he didn't. Leave his *** to rot in jail and use that time to get away from him while you still can.

You are not to blame at at all. If he is facing several charges he was the one that committed a CRIME. It is a Crime to abuse someone. Leave this man. Abusers do not change, unless they get proffesional help. THe abuse will get worse. <br />
I have dated 2 abusive men in the past and both shared the same traits, such as heavy drinkers, racist or sexist, and both appeared out in public to be extremely nice guys, but in private it was a whole different story.<br />
I wish the one man I was with was sent to jail. He gave me a black eye, just some awful stuff, trying to destroy me mentally. besides the physical abuse. These men think their actions are normal, but clearly its not! <br />
I think not to blame the victim, but sometimes the victim has low self-esteem or is afraid, and stays and tries to think why is this happening, its something I did. <br />
I highly suggest you contact a battered women's shelter for in depth advice. Good Luck!