Confused, Lost, Broken........

He was a childhood friend of my brother's.  We moved away and about six years later, moved back to that small town.  Here, I was only 11 or so.  This town was very different from the one that I just moved there from.  I was from a big city where kids were kids.  Here in this small town; however, kids were acting like teenagers- doing the bad things like smoking, going out, etc.

When I first saw him again on his bike, I immediately fell head over heels for him.  I thought he was so good looking and cool.

We were kids but I asked him to be my boyfriend and he accepted.  Being the little "unexperienced" kid and all, he asked me several times if I've ever had any other boyfriends.  Then he asked me if I knew how to french kiss.  I told him no and he asked if I wanted him to teach me.  Again, I said no.  I was just a kid.  Then, he'd share his stories of french kissing other girls with me.  This made me think I wasn't good enough.  To add onto that, one day he asked me to go to the movies with him.  When I told him I couldn't go, he told me he was just gonna have to take another girl.  This girl, to me, wore tons of make-up.  I thought she was a lot cooler than me and that he was taking her because I wasn't cool enough.  But I just had to tell him fine and that I couldn't go.

After a few weeks or so, he never called me or talked me again.  My heart shattered when his friend called me to tell me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore because he had a new girlfriend.  That was then that I TOTALLY thought I wasn't cool enough for him!

Years went by and I was now 13.  I hated him with a passion and although I saw him around, I told myself I would NEVER talk to him ever again because I realized that I didn't need to be the girl I thought he wanted me to be.  (He's also only 2 1/2 months older than me.)  My friends told me how mean he was to kids and that made me hate him more.  To me, he was this evil monster who thought everything HAD to go his way!

Well, he started coming around more.  Somehow, he'd find his way where ever I was.  I hated him so much and tried to ignore him everytime.

One day he called and asked me to go to the movies with him.  I told him no but my older sister felt sorry for him, so I went with him.

After a few months, I moved away to Fresno adn then we lost touch when he never called or responded to my letters.  I found out later that he had another girlfriend.

After a year of being in Fresno, I moved back to that small town.  We started talking again.  (Him and his gf broke up.) 

We started dating and he started coming over ALOT!  This was unusual for my family because of our culture (and very much my age), boys aren't allowed over!  But he kept coming and he'd end up sleeping over.  Now I think he had it all planned.  We finally got married when we were 16 (part of the culture) but he had started to be abusive towards me prior to that.  Like everyone else, it started with him getting extremely angry.  When I officially got with him in high school, I wasn't allowed to talk to any of my friends anymore because he "didn't like them."  He would tell me that he heard them say mean things about him behind his back and therefore, wanted to "warn" me about them.  I started hanging out with him every single minute of the day that I could at school and then, went on to having no more friends.  Whenever I talked to anyone, especially a guy, he would grow extremely jealous and mad at me!  One time, he punched the brick wall at school because I talked to a guy.

To make the story short, it's been nine years now that I've been with him.  It's been on and off but pretty steady for the past 3 years.  We have a six year old daughter togehter.

I don't want to have to go to details of what he's done to me.  But I'm just starting to see the verbal abuse that he uses against me towards my daughter.  I sold my pit bull about 2 days ago because of my plan to leave him.  He hates my dog and beats her whenever he's mad.  He blames everything on my dog!  So I knew that finding a good home for her would be the best, although it tore me apart.  I feel as though everything and everyone I love and who are in my life isn't anymore because of him.

I'm trying to find the courage to leave for good and have been for 2 months now.  I don't know where to go, who to turn to.  I don't really wanna live in the shelters.  I am 23 years old now and recently, his 16 year old uncle sexually assaulted me while I slept in between my daughter and my husband, who was passed out from drinking since his family had a little get together the night before.  He hit his uncle but what upsets me is that he didn't hit his uncle as extreme as he's done to me in the past.  I'm very bothered by that.

But to the point, I'm trying to find the courage to leave.  Today I am gonna go get help with filling out my divorce papers.  My daughter knows how abusive he is and she's even starting to think it's normal.  When I don't do something she wants me to, she'll tell me that she's gonna tell daddy to hit me.  She's so angry now and although she loved my dog so much, she was starting to take her anger out on my dog as well.  I want to save her but I'm not strong enough.  I want to be though.  I don't want my daughter in this typd of environment.  I don't want her to think it's okay or to have her find herself in a relationship like this when she gets older.  I want to be the woman that I want her to be, but I just need to find the strength in me to do so.  I'm afraid of being alone, of losing all the good memories I had with my husband.  Sometimes I don't think I'll ever find anyone else but Iknow I'm still young.  It's just hard.

Thanks for reading although I think I bounced back and forth in my story!



CaliGirl637 CaliGirl637
22-25, F
5 Responses Mar 12, 2009

im in the same situation my and were the same age... i kno how hard it can be u always feel sorry and go back im trying to find the courage to leave aswell!! i dont want to live in shelters eaither it is so depresing wen u leave but we kno deep down it is for the best!!<br />
think of you and ur lil girl first!!!! one day we will leave and think of the happy times to come!!

Thank you so much for reading and for all your comments. Did I mention that when I asked the shelter about me going in, they said it was only for those in immediate danger? My husband hasn't laid his hands on me for about 2 months now. What does that mean? I mean, I know, but at the same time it weakens me, as it does, usually. <br />
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We talked last night about breaking up and he was just so sweet to me. He didn't really disagree with me about breaking me and divorce, but he did ask me to think twice about it.<br />
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This is so extremely hard. Right when I thought I gathered enough strength to leave, here he goes, making me extremely weak again. I do love him of course. But I'm truly afraid.<br />
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What to do??????????

I'm so sorry, you poor young thing. You do seem so wise, and with the kind of love you have for your daughter, I know you'll do the right thing. Remember, when you make a decision, follow through. When you know you're doing right, keep it up. If I can offer my support, however anonymous and far away I might be (I might not be, too!) I'd like you to know there's yet another person (me) who understands and would back you up endlessly! I am a mother, too. It's hard enough without the confusion of abuse in the way. Take care of that little girl. You are RIGHT. You are alright.

oh my i wish i had the magical words that would give you the strength to go through with this, but i would be a fool if i said i did. I am going through a similar situation only difference is that he is now in federal prison and i can move on knowing he cant hurt me anymore. I left my husband multiple time, only to find myself going back to him. My oldest daughter (who is from a diff. relationship) was so affraid of him that she moved in with her father and would have nothing to do with me while I was with him because "she didnt want to die too!" . and still that was not enough. When I finally got away from him it was because my sister literally came and rescued me. She drove an hour to where we lived, scooped my broken body up and took me directly to the er in our home town. I had a broken nose, broken ribs, severe chest contusions, bruised head to toe and my lip was split wide open from a blow i had received a week prior. My wrist was still stapled shut from a suicide attempt earlier that month. Well to make a long story short, i ended up living in a shelter, which was not half as bad as i thought it to be. After being at war for so long it was actually nice to be surrounded by love and people who truly understood and BELIEVED me. I got back on track and got my own place. Things were great and then came a knock at the door. I let him back into my life, with stipulations that he got counseling and rehab. Well that drug on for a month or so and that was as long as he could behave. He tried to break my hand and arm because he was in an alcohol induced rage and that was the final straw. I threw his stuff out the door, gave him alittle nudge and told him as far as i was concerned he was dead to us. Well that was Nov. and by Feb. he had been picked up on drug charges and for beating the living hell out of some womans mom. They never change! Good luck finding your strength hun, know that there are many of us out there going through the same thing and i for one will be here for you!!

You need help.<br />
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Check out the local chapter of alternatives to battered women.<br />
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I am sure te police will help.<br />
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Pls keep me informed.