Feeling Stupid...

Hmmm my story, where to start. Well I guess the appropriate place to start would be my childhood. I was sexually molested from the time I was 12ish until I was 16. I know there were earlier incidents but I cant remember them (or dont want to). But at 17 I got pregnant so I could leave my home. I jumped right into a relationship with an abusive man. My first love, my first abuser. He drank too much and it always led to the inevitable fight. He even plowed me into a heater, belly first when i was about 8 months pregnant with our daughter. Well he finally went to jail for it and eventually i moved on. i had a string of random relationships and then i found my first husband. At first it was like a fairytale, for once my life had some stability and everything was great. But he too fell to the demon that is addiction and the more he drank and the more pills he took the more abusive he became. Well as a result of that relationship i started to drink heavily. when i finally left him i immediatly sought the help of a rehab to stop the drinking. Shortly after I met husband #2. Wonderful man, my knight in shining armor. Things were great for about a year in which time we had a beautiful little girl, and once again addiction took over. He would go out and get all hopped up on crack, come home and beat the hell out of me. It was by him that i suffered the most abuse and the harshest. I was raped, sodomized, choked, urinated on, drug up stairs, thrown down them, drug around by my hair, had mult. bones broken, teeth knocked out, the list goes on and on. At one point i felt so helpless that i tried to kill myself. The bad thing is that the emts came and got me, i was crying and saying not to let my husband get me, and what does that hospital do? Ill tell you what they did, they stapled my wrists back together, handed me a card for the local dv shelter and even gave me back what was left of the sleeping pills i had od'd on and sent me on my way. But by the grace of god and some family intervention I survived. I actually took him back after all of that but after he tried to break my arm and hand I sent him packing. i found support groups and therapists to help me gain my strength and it made all the difference in the world to me to hear the words "I believe you". I will always carry the scars from those men, but i am to the point now that my family is soooooo much more important to me. i dont plan on seeking any relationships, although i do get very lonely. My voice is my biggest weapon. As long as I keep talking about it, i still feel the pain and i need to remember that pain in order to heal. I pray every night for the women who are still in those relationships, and to all the survivors..you are my heroes!

amyjo3 amyjo3
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2009

Survivors are my heroes!