Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Stop the Hate!

This is a blog i wrote on March 3 on my myspace. I was so tired of hearing beaten women bashed!! I am a huge DV activist in my hometown and hope that by informing the masses beaten women can avoid further humiliation.

STOP CALLING WOMEN WHO  ARE BEING BEATEN AND ABUSED STUPID AND IGNORANT!! I am so tired of hearing people who have never been through it, say ignorant statements like "well she stayed so she must like it", " she stayed so she deserves what she gets" , " that woman is f*****g stupid (dumb) to put up with that"... the list goes on and on. What would possess someone to say that? Before judging someone you should at least try to educate yourself on the matter!! I am far from stupid and i stayed in a violent relationship!! NO  I DIDNT LIKE IT and NO I DIDNT DESERVE IT!! People that say those comments are part of the problem! 

An abuser is not a stupid person. Their abuse is methodical and well planned. Abusers prey on women that have some sort of emotional issues such as prior abuse or low self esteem. These issues make it easier for them to manipulate us! The abuse doesn't start right away. Abusers take their time breaking down your walls, gaining your trust and brainwashing you long before the first signs of abuse actually take place.  And in the beginning the signs are so small that many women overlook them, remember we LOVE this person, outwardly he is the perfect man! It usually starts as verbal abuse, well at least with my experiences. He starts off calling you a ***** or saying you are stupid or wrong. Or maybe it is telling you that you cant wear that shirt that shows off your figure (that he used to tell you made you sexy) or the shorts you are wearing aren't acceptable. But these demands or changes are presented in a way that the woman doesn't see it as a flag, it seems harmless enough. As time passes he adds a little more, he applies more restrictions such as who you talk to and where you go, but once again he twists it so that it seems justifiable to the woman and she wants to please him because...she LOVES him. During this initial period he has spent countless hours brainwashing you. He makes it so that you become more dependant on him for friendship, love, attention, money...everything. The woman is ******** from her control of the situation one thing at a time. Ideally they eventually get the woman secluded and cut off from outside influences, including family, because outsiders are a major threat to his plan, they might warn the woman! And we allow it because ... we LOVE them, they provide for us, they love us! After he has gotten her cut off from people, stage 2 begins! This is the physical stage. The physical abuse starts off small. Maybe he grabs your arm as you attempt to walk away or throws a paper at you. He will do this when you are in the middle of a heated argument so that he can say, "I'm sorry, you just made me so mad"... This is a huge milestone in an abusive situation! Because he has now planted that seed that YOU caused his physical reaction! It was YOUR fault that he got to the point he had to exert physical contact. And we let it slide, usually apologizing for upsetting him to that extent. Well the occasional grabbing of the arm becomes more frequent and more severe. He starts leaving bruises on you from where he grabbed you, he starts pinning you down and screaming in your face, he throws stuff at you all the time and because of the fact he has brainwashed you to believe that you are the one that causes him to resort to physical violence, you let him get by with it. 

By the time the violence gets to the point of actually getting beat up, choked, punched etc. you have been so emotionally beaten down that you have no mind of your own. You don't look for help because then you would have to tell them what an idiot you were for allowing it to happen. You are ashamed. And it is then that he has you exactly where he wanted you, just as he had originally planned!
By the time it gets that far, the woman is so brainwashed that if he spills something, she will apologize for it!! That is not a joke, it is THAT bad.

Why is it that we stay?
Well we stay out of fear! When a man goes through that much effort to mold us, he isn't just going to let us go. He threatens to kill us, tells us how worthless we are and has us convinced that this is the best we can get because we are so stupid and messed up. Remember that we are no longer thinking for ourselves at this point, he took that from us along time ago. We are basically in survival mode,and that's all. We are just trying to stay alive one more day, hoping something will change, trying everything we can to be perfect so that we will not get beaten anymore.

I have only scratched the surface, and the above is just a small peak into the world of an abused woman. I didn't even go very far into the mental state of the woman, how we wish for death because we feel so worthless and broken. How we are just empty shells because he has taken all that is good from us.

F*****g stupid *******!!! yeah that's what he said!

I went through and tried to edit out the cursing because I want to be able to post it for all of us, teenagers go through the same abuse, sorry if I missed something.

Love you ALL! keep up the fight!

amyjo3 amyjo3 26-30, F 12 Responses Mar 23, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

You hit the nail on the head!

i think its fair comment to say that your story is true but from my 21yr experience - its not women with emotional issues that they choose, but they spot a level of vulnerability in a woman.

You describe the abuse process so well..my life reads like this to me but I also fought back in kind...and so here I am now with the knowledge that I've been abusive too but though he has been arrested he won't admit he's abusive...but after being married for almost 10 years I have not seen his office where he's worked for 7 years...I still don't know his family...

I would like to add that nearly half of all victims of DV are men. Yet most male DV victims never come forward for fear of.being shamed and ridiculed. Out of the hundreds of DV shelters in the U.S. less than 20 will accept male victims. Some have said that they would shut down and close their doors before they would accept male victims.
I agree whole heartedly. We must stop the hate and sexism in the DV industry.

That was very well written and very true, especialy from my experience. Thank you for posting :)

I feel so naive that I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship till he started to abuse my daughter. I know then that I had to get out. I just wish I could have gotten out for myself, didn't feel like I was worth anything and so scared to be alone. Well I'm out and we are both in councling so better late than never.

Thanx Analie ~BIG HUG~

Thanks guys. It's sad that we are all so familiar with this isn't it. But I am glad I was able to relay the message well. Mine was sentenced today and got 25-life in the fed. pen. How sick is it that I kinda got sad. I feel like I am in mourning over his loss. I know it isn't over the loss of him per-say more like the loss of the husband I should of had. I am so use to living in fear of him that I find it awkward and uncomfortable now that I know I don't have to fear him. He was rearrested 15 miles from my house (he lives about 100miles away), armed and high as a kite. I know it was divine intervention because I know for a fact if he would have made it 15 more miles I would at this moment be a) in the hospital barely clinging to life or b) dead. He had told me that he would rather see me dead than with another man. I guess he was serious. But for now anyway I am safe, and for each day I can say that I get on my knees, close my eyes and pray to god. "Courage is not freedom of fear. It is being afraid and going on." ~big hugs~

Wow, you nailed it on the head amyjo! It's such a slow subtle process that you don't even see it coming. <br />
<br />
The brainwashing part is worse than the actual physical abuse! I'm glad you posted this.

I posted my own story, called I am a survivor of spousal abuse. I went thru almost exactly as you described, the one difference is that he threatened to hurt my family if I left him, my parents in particular(my mother is disabled, and bed ridden, her right side completely paralyzed) and if I talked to ANYONE, I got a several hours long interrogation, as to exactly what was said, how it was said, ect. Please feel free to read my story. I pray that it will help someone keep from going thru what I did.

Thank You for conveying the emotion that we feel when we are degraded and convinced that we are worthless, stupid, ugly, shameful, a waste of their time, not worth breathing the air they breath, an idiot who deserves what she gets, etc. etc.. I think people who judge a person who has gone through this but never has themselves should be thanking God they haven't had to feel this pain and the accompanying inadequacy. They don't know what it is like to not only endure this abuse from someone else but start believing you deserve it to the point you begin mentally abusing (or sometimes worse physically) yourself. I remember telling myself if only I could be good enough or not mess up so much he wouldn't hurt me and he would love me, that no one would want such as screw up like me. Nevermind the fact I was the one with the job, supporting him, cooking for him, doing his laundry, keeping his back rubbed and hair cut. I'm surprised I didn't wipe his behind. When he cheated, I blamed myself, when he beat me up for finding out through his computer, I blamed myself. They begin to justify their actions based on your perceived inadequacies even though they are the ones hurting you and doing wrong by you. They tell you that you are fat (a size 6 is not fat), ugly, stupid (even though I have a 3.66 gpa), and not good enough in every way. They tell you they could've had a model and instead they settled for you and you should be grateful. If you do have one "good" day the moment you "mess up" in their eyes they hold that day against you like: "I thought that day you were good that you really could do something right but now I see it was a mistake" They convince you that if there is dust on the floor then you are a lazy, no good person. If you take two days to do six loads of laundry then there is something fundamentally flawed with you even though you worked a full shift both of those days. What does he do? Some of them work but a lot of them stay home, on their computer looking at internet **** or "making music" with their friends who pay no money for the time, not to mention the fact you bought the equipment they use to feel so important. If you are just tired and want to take a nap, don't even try because they will smack you up and make you do what they tell you to do. If you want to escape by watching tv (the only thing that helps you cope) they rip you a new one for being lazy again. They convince you that you will never do better than them and if only YOU would do the right things they could love you and treat you nice. They forget, purposely I might add, your birthday and if by 11:30 at night you look sad they play these mind games that they waited to see if you couldn't trust them to say Happy Birthday. It's all mind games coupled with negative reinforcements and perceived punishments. They are sociopaths and a lot of time have either borderline personality disorders or disassociative personality disorders. They cannot love you because they hate themselves so they project those feelings on you. The torture they put us through is disgusting and it will never be the victim's fault. Continue to get the word out there our girls, women and even boys and men need to know what is really happening to these "stupid *******."

Im sorry..some people just dont understand..