This is a blog i wrote on March 3 on my myspace. I was so tired of hearing beaten women bashed!! I am a huge DV activist in my hometown and hope that by informing the masses beaten women can avoid further humiliation.STOP CALLING WOMEN WHO ARE BEING BEATEN AND ABUSED STUPID AND IGNORANT!! I am so tired of hearing people who have never been through it, say ignorant statements like "well she stayed so she must like it", " she stayed so she deserves what she gets" , " that woman is f*****g stupid (dumb) to put up with that"... the list goes on and on. What would possess someone to say that? Before judging someone you should at least try to educate yourself on the matter!! I am far from stupid and i stayed in a violent relationship!! NO I DIDNT LIKE IT and NO I DIDNT DESERVE IT!! People that say those comments are part of the problem!
An abuser is not a stupid person. Their abuse is methodical and well planned. Abusers prey on women that have some sort of emotional issues such as prior abuse or low self esteem. These issues make it easier for them to manipulate us! The abuse doesn't start right away. Abusers take their time breaking down your walls, gaining your trust and brainwashing you long before the first signs of abuse actually take place. And in the beginning the signs are so small that many women overlook them, remember we LOVE this person, outwardly he is the perfect man! It usually starts as verbal abuse, well at least with my experiences. He starts off calling you a ***** or saying you are stupid or wrong. Or maybe it is telling you that you cant wear that shirt that shows off your figure (that he used to tell you made you sexy) or the shorts you are wearing aren't acceptable. But these demands or changes are presented in a way that the woman doesn't see it as a flag, it seems harmless enough. As time passes he adds a little more, he applies more restrictions such as who you talk to and where you go, but once again he twists it so that it seems justifiable to the woman and she wants to please him because...she LOVES him. During this initial period he has spent countless hours brainwashing you. He makes it so that you become more dependant on him for friendship, love, attention, money...everything. The woman is ******** from her control of the situation one thing at a time. Ideally they eventually get the woman secluded and cut off from outside influences, including family, because outsiders are a major threat to his plan, they might warn the woman! And we allow it because ... we LOVE them, they provide for us, they love us! After he has gotten her cut off from people, stage 2 begins! This is the physical stage. The physical abuse starts off small. Maybe he grabs your arm as you attempt to walk away or throws a paper at you. He will do this when you are in the middle of a heated argument so that he can say, "I'm sorry, you just made me so mad"... This is a huge milestone in an abusive situation! Because he has now planted that seed that YOU caused his physical reaction! It was YOUR fault that he got to the point he had to exert physical contact. And we let it slide, usually apologizing for upsetting him to that extent. Well the occasional grabbing of the arm becomes more frequent and more severe. He starts leaving bruises on you from where he grabbed you, he starts pinning you down and screaming in your face, he throws stuff at you all the time and because of the fact he has brainwashed you to believe that you are the one that causes him to resort to physical violence, you let him get by with it.
By the time the violence gets to the point of actually getting beat up, choked, punched etc. you have been so emotionally beaten down that you have no mind of your own. You don't look for help because then you would have to tell them what an idiot you were for allowing it to happen. You are ashamed. And it is then that he has you exactly where he wanted you, just as he had originally planned!
By the time it gets that far, the woman is so brainwashed that if he spills something, she will apologize for it!! That is not a joke, it is THAT bad.
Why is it that we stay?
Well we stay out of fear! When a man goes through that much effort to mold us, he isn't just going to let us go. He threatens to kill us, tells us how worthless we are and has us convinced that this is the best we can get because we are so stupid and messed up. Remember that we are no longer thinking for ourselves at this point, he took that from us along time ago. We are basically in survival mode,and that's all. We are just trying to stay alive one more day, hoping something will change, trying everything we can to be perfect so that we will not get beaten anymore.
I have only scratched the surface, and the above is just a small peak into the world of an abused woman. I didn't even go very far into the mental state of the woman, how we wish for death because we feel so worthless and broken. How we are just empty shells because he has taken all that is good from us.
F*****g stupid *******!!! yeah that's what he said!
I went through and tried to edit out the cursing because I want to be able to post it for all of us, teenagers go through the same abuse, sorry if I missed something.
Love you ALL! keep up the fight!