In Love With An Abuser, Trying to Lose the Love
I thought it was love, an over the top tenderness, a magnetic sensuality that kept me waiting for the next time we were alone.... At first it wasn't abusive, just angry sometimes, what's a little insult with a bit of a slap or hair pulling??? But it got worse: being together 24/7, broken cell phones to keep me from using them, being kept awake at night, jealousy of imaginary men, hit in the face while driving for looking at other drivers (not), being pulled out of bed, kicked while down on the floor (bruised breastbone), pushed against the bathtub which probably fractured my wrist (still hurts today), a broken nose, black eyes twice.... Finally, I started abusing back, at first if I hit him back, it would stop the rage, but not in the later fights, it just got crazy and we hurt each other.
There were many separate bad incidents, followed by good. After a bad marriage, I needed this relationship. I kept hanging in there and it kept getting worse. I'd leave, drop him off, crying my eyes out, then go find him again after a few days. I couldn't live without the fabulous emotional and physical highs, it was heady and addicting. I'd forget the bad times after the next good time.
I don't think I would have left if not sort of forced into it by another person, thank goodness for the other doing the forcing. I went back, how many times? At least 6. The final time I left, I was sure that I should leave, it wasn't going to change. I don't regret leaving but I can't lose the love I feel. I think about him daily, almost constantly, I cry when I'm alone, just like I cried each time I thought about leaving or when I left him, but is it love? It's like being possessed, I do hope that addiction goes away in time, although it's been 4 weeks since the last time I saw him.
I'm glad someone posted on EP the way they felt about their abuser, that's how I found this site, through a search about domestic violence and love. I couldn't believe another woman felt about her guy as I felt about mine. Now I am talking about my problem. It helps.