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So Confused

I have been married 16 years.  I have two beautiful children, and to all on the outside, a nice life.  I have a nice home, several vehicles, a boat.  My husband is very well thought of in our church and our community.  But, my husband gets mad easily, and when he does, he isn't nice to me.  He yells and name calls.  He throws things at me, which have left bruises on me.  He has threatened to harm me if I leave and take our children.  I have filed for divorce, but I haven't served the papers yet because I'm scared.  I don't want my children growing up thinking this behavior is okay.  And, I feel as though I'm partly to blame for allowing it to continue.  I asked him to seek counseling, and he will not.  So, I feel I have no choice but to leave.  Everyone makes it sound easy to do that, but it's not.  I'm so confused.....and I need advice.

kyteacher kyteacher 36-40 9 Responses Jun 22, 2009

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That is the best advice. Prepare and then leave...do not wait for something worse to happen...when is enough enough.......can you risk it escalating....how bad will you feel if he beats one of the kids.......I was beaten as a child and I still wonder why my mother never tried to stop him..........I felt like she aided him...deliver me like a lamb to the slaughter........prepare for the best case scenario....that you and the kids make it out before even more damage can be done....physically and psychologically...my dad was a sgt major too........we were relieved when he was not there.......my son right now as I navigate my divorce is doing so much better without my abusive husband around........be strong and when you feel the time has come....go....and don't look back........his shame will paralyse him.....his guilt will choke him..........set yourself free from the bondage.....<br />
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Be well and good luck!

OK this is not going to be easy BUT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE. <br />
Contact local authorities tell them what is going on. Pick a date notify people that can help you move of the date. Arrange to rent a truck to move only your clothes and what ever you need for the kids for 3 months to start off with. Contact a lawyer if need be have the police there to protect you while you get your stuff. If he visibly harms you go to the police and he will be arrested for assault. Then do it all while he is in jail. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER IS THAT THERE ARE SERVICES OUT THERE TO HELP YOU. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL ON YOUR OWN. Take Care Samantha

You are breaking your marriage vows if you divorce your husband of 16 yrs for a just some bruises. And I don't understand how a few car-keys could cause a huge bruise on your thigh. Ask him to try anger-management and see a pyschologist since he's so rich. If he doesn't change then, give him an ultimatum: either reel in his own temper, or you and your kids will leave. If that doesn't work then... I take back what I said about a divorce.

Well, a couple of years ago, he threw his car keys at me and left a huge bruise on the back of my thigh. I told him I was leaving. He came to me the next day and said he would try counseling. I told him that if he EVER left another place on me, I would take the boys and leave him. But, he has now called my hand because he threw something and left a bruise on my back. <br />
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He says he can't believe that I'm trying to label him a wife beater when he has never beaten me. He says that he takes good care of us, and that if I leave, he will have been a complete failure. <br />
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I feel as though he has forced my hand. I'm afraid that one day he will seriously hurt me. The sad part is that he can be such a good person. But, in a rage of anger he does these things. And, I do not feel that I should have to tiptoe around the rest of my life just so he won't ever get mad.

As a wife for so long, I'm sure you know the good side of him as well as the bad side. I figure that if you are happy at least 50% of the time, you probably have hope in your relationship, IF he will help by handling the things that upset you. Perhaps you can just tell him that the next time there is an uncontrolled outburst, that you want his agreement to see your pastor together. If there is no outburst, no counseling from the church. I am actually against "mental" drugs myself and don't suggest ever a psychiatrist or mental handling that includes "medicines" not proven to help. But I do agree with church counseling or even AA to help bad habits or actions that aren't being solved. If you love your husband and can get his agreement to a solution to the anger, and he doesn't drink/use drugs, then perhaps it can be handled. That's up to you to work out. If you do ever need to leave though, just do it, and make sure you prepare ahead of time.

Well, luckily he's not really controlling in that I have to clean a certain way, etc. But, he is controlling in that I have to agree with him or he's angry. I do not feel like I can have an opinion on anything.<br />
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My husband looked up anger management testing online and then informed me that he didn't think he had an anger problem. He also emailed our insurance to see if they covered "mental health" counseling. He said he wasn't going to call them. But, to my knowledge he never even checked the email to see what they said. It's like he wants me to see him making an effort....but never follows through. He also told me he'd be ruined at work if they found out he was going to counseling. I do not think he will ever go. He says he would be willing to go to marriage counseling, but I would not feel comfortable talking openly. <br />
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I do have a job. I make my own money, and I feel it's enough to support myself and my children. So, that's a positive. <br />
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I have prayed about this for so long. I've prayed that God would touch him and control his anger. I have prayed for him to die. I have prayed for God to send someone into my life to help me. But, I know that in the end, we have the ability to choose....God gave us that.<br />
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My husband does not drink, does not do drugs, etc. Besides his outbursts, he's a good person who loves his family. But, he does not think he has a problem.

Oh, I understand how you feel, it so very hard to decide to leave and then do it. If I had to do it all over again, I would prepare ahead of time secretly and be gone somewhere safe before the papers were served. I tried to separate and leave with his knowledge and it ended up worse for me than if I'd been smart and prepared ahead of time and left with my kids, money, car, etc. In then end, I ended up with nothing, but my sanity and my physical safety, which is enough now, I see. The most important tip is DON'T GO BACK, once you leave. So decide, prepare, and leave. Then build a new, happy life for yourself and your kids.

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PLEASE pray about this. I was married for 26 years and went steady with him for 7 years before. We started going steady at 14 years old and got married at 21. I too had a $400,000 home, boat, car...two kids! Everything had to be perfect in the house. Me, the kids, the house, the meals. I was to volunteer at church but he wouldn't. I had to help at the school but he wouldn't. He would go in early and stay late, I THOUGHT for work. He ended up telling me that he had been drinking and with other women at least 20 years of our 26 year marriage. What I found out was there wasn't a time that he didn't compare me to everyone else. All the women...I got hair extensions, turned my hair blonde, worked out constantly, (worked a full time job) and had to have everything perfect when he got home. Kids in bed, homework done. Even the mail had to be in the exact place each night.If I had a list of 10 things that he gave me to do that day and I didn't have one of them done...well...you had better watch out!I left 4 years ago! I am from another state and my son was in Mexico on his senior trip. I told my (now) ex-husband I was going to visit my family in Indiana, I was living in Florida at the time. I didn't go back!He physically forced me to get into "swinging" with men and women. He is a very highly paid executive that has the need to control EVERYONE he can. He is a BULLY! Just like your husband.I prayed over and over my whole life to send me a God loving, strong man who would love me and only me and be good to my children. It finally happened! We were married 1 year ago.Keep the faith, pray and at some point God will say...this is the day! I left with nothing! I left the furniture, all my pictures, my belongings...EVERYTHING but my daughter. My son came up later and is now in the Air Force and is almost 23 year old. It hasn't been easy for them, believe me. But there is no getting around it.My daughter and I are true believers in miracles and God's presence. I will pray for you as well! If you need to talk you can email me on mellkay@yahoo.com. My mission is to help as many people not go through what I did. You HAVE to be strong for your children and think through your decisions. Do not put yourself in danger! It will be tough! You need to read your husband, if he is okay with counselling, possibly go to that before you give it all up. Mine wouldn't even think of it. I told him he had to go to AA, he wanted me to go and to tell him what it was like. (Yeah that's going to work) I am sure you know him better than anyone. Just don't get caught trying to get help and he finds out and you and your children suffer the consequences. Be very careful. Don't be ashamed to call the police if need be. I was, we lived in a gated community and I was afraid the whole neighborhood would talk about us and not let their kids hang around with mine. But, to get record of it if he really hurts you...the one thing that will stand out in court is...no prior history of abuse!Please take care of yourself and I will try to check this site often!