I Need a Plan
Here I am with my 2 year old at my side sleeping so peaceful. We are at my brother's house, and I feel safe. This is the first time I ever left. It is only the second time he threw something that broke right over my toddler's head tonight. He is the "greatest" dad and husband in front of everyone. He has always had a tendency to have violent outburst with my teenagers or even me when we are in anyway too emotional around him. Tonight I slammed a cupboard door and he just started throwing things. It is so scarey when my toddler is standing in the room, just far enough so I can't protect him.
It all started when I got pregnant, he had an affair and was extremely violent with me and my older kids. He choked me a couple times and left bruises on my son. He reunited with me by screaming at me and telling me I better stop talking about his affair or else. I regret not getting out when I could have but he was so intimidating and I was pregnant and very insecure about my future.
He quit his job and has worked on and off since. I have continued to work and support the family. It has been a couple years since these outbursts. They started again this last month. He has not drank or done any drugs for 3 years. Recently, he has had to take some pain medications and it is like a light switch went on. He has started reacting violently, making fun of me in front of the kids, and putting me down in a joking way. Tonight i left and it felt good. My older boys are away for 8 weeks with their dad. I have always been afraid to leave them with him when he gets like this. He never admits any faults and always blames me. It makes me feel crazy, like it is really my fault. I am no saint, I get mad and yell. With him it is like a damn I can feel the pressure building and I get scared. I won't let him see that. I stood right in his face after he went on his rampage, and he asked me to hit him. He wanted me to do something to him so he could hit me back. I didn't but I didn't back down either. I pad locked the door and packed up. I took out cash to buy things so he couldn't trace me with the debit or credit cards. Now he is sending me nasty emails.
I know I am no saint, but I am a sucessful business woman and good mother. My kids are wonderful children. I feel afraid and am unsure what to do to start protecting myself. I started my own bank account but don't have my check deposited to it. I make most of the money and always have, he decides what we do with it. He says I can do anything I want, but it isn't really true. He knows I won't spend money selfishly, just on the house and kids. I need a plan of action to protect myself. I feel like it is a matter of time before he hurts me or one of the kids.
After these times it is always so good, like a fantasy relationship but then we drift back into this twisted relationship where I feel crazy. He says things and then says he never said them. My older kids are realzing some of this antics and also being disrespectful to me too. I am so afraid to lose my family and home. I don't want to screw up the kid's life. I just tell myself to keep pretending. I am nothing like I used to be, I used to be very outgoing. I still have lots of friends but don't see them much with kids and busy life. I am terrified I am in some cycle. He would tell you that it is me that is abusive. I do get frustrated and call him names. I regret it and always have to appologize forever. He never applogizes. He tells my kids that I am crazy. Tonight he threw things glass... everywhere. My 2 year old started screaming<stop daddy!. He leaned over and said this is all your mother's fault. I couldn't even cry, I just packed to leave. He texted me and told me to look for the police he will tell them I kiddnapped our son.
It is ironic that I was attracted to him because he made me feel safe. He was always aggressive but to other people. Especially if they made trouble for me, that made me feel special. Now he turns all his anger on me.
Like I said I need a plan.