Lost

I have been in an emotional abusive marriage for 5 1/2 years.  Last weekend the emotional changed to physical.  A few whacks at my head while driving the car.   I forgot to mention that I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant with our 2nd child.  I do everything on my own.  Clean, bills, groceries, take care of our son and most times I can't stand the site of my husband.  I literally feel hatred towards him.  That is until we have an arguement and we decide to split up.  Then I'm scared to death and all these feelings of love come flooding in.  I'm so disgusted with myself!  I have always said that if anyone ever hit me that I would call the police immediately and leave him.  Well, I did none of the above!  I'm the one who is trying to save this doomed marriage and he acts as if he doesn't even care.  I feel like I'm going crazy!  I have a wonderful job.  I make a decent income but when I do the math it's just not going to work!  I worked really hard at getting a home of my own.  Last year when we decided to split he agreed to let me refinance the house into my name so that I could keep the home once we split but I'm afraid that I won't be able to swing it without him.  Not with 2 children in daycare and all the other bills.  Most importantly, above all other reasons, I want out for my sons!  I want them to know what a loving relationship is.  I don't want them to continue this cycle so why do i feel so stuck and helpless?  Why am I being so selfish and thinking of myself?  Why do I feel love for a man who doesn't give a damn about me?  I know that something is wrong with me.  I just don't understand how I got ths way.  Before him I was so independent, strong, full of life.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I wish I could get her back.

alwaysforgiving alwaysforgiving
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 22, 2010

i feel exactly the same way. I dont know what to do. Im scared to be alone. Im my rational mind I know what we have to do. we have to leave them. for good this time. for our kids. for ourselves. We can not go on this way. It is no way to live.<br />
<br />
I know we can do it, it is just soo scary.