Cant Take It Anymore

8 yrs ago i fell in love with this man.  He was sweet, and kind, and funny.  We got along great and became totally inseparable. We dated for a few months and the signs started.  He was jealous of everyone and everything.  We moved in together because he was unemployed and needed a place to stay for a while.  All of a sudden I was pregnant.  Now things got worse, he became even more controlling, and I started to see his angry side.  He was constantly accusing me of things i didnt do, and he was totally insecure with my past relationships.  Slowly I started seeing my friends less and less.

When i was 5 months pregnant he punched me in the face, choked me and gave me a black eye.  He was drunk and high.  He promised he would never drink again, and he would never touch coke again either.

The abuse continued although he never punched me in the face again he still emotionally, physically and mentally abused me every day.  He would slap my stomach, tell me I smelled, he was mean most of the time.  I found out he was stealing from me, doing drugs again, had a gambling addiction, and was hanging out with some real riff raff.  I left him for a yr hoping he would wake up, get help, and realize how much he needed me.  Well he got worse for a year.  He started smoking crack, and dating a pregnant girl who he met in the mental ward.  He got arrested for stealing a car, got put on probation, lost his job.  His life was in shambles. He had nothing. 

He agreed to get help.  He wanted to go to rehab.  So I decided to support him.  We have a child together and I thought it was the right thing to do.  Well again, he turned on the charm and became such a "nice guy".  I though oh wow, this is who he really is, when he isnt consumed by his addictions.  I fell in love with him all over again.  He promised me after rehab that he would let me drug test him whenever I want, that he would never drink, or do drugs again.  He said he was sorry for everything he put me and my family through.  So like a fool, I believed him.  We dated again for some time, and eventually he moved back in with me.

Since then he has broken every single promise.  He is totally emotionally abusive.  He calls me fat, ugly, useless  ***** every single day.

He started drinking occasionally which scares the crap out of me because he can snap so easily when he is drunk.  He lied to me for a year and was adddicted to oxycontins, and again he changed.  He got meaner.  He broke my finger because I was pointing in his face.  He threw a hot pancake at my bare back and burned me.  He spits in my face, pushes me, grinds his size 14 foot onto the top of mine until it feels like it is broken, he threatens my life on a regular basis.  He finally confessed about the oxys, and actually managed to turn it around on me and make me feel like the bad guy because I was angry with him for lying to me for a yr.  He is now on the methadone program which makes him miserable and nasty.

We got married in october.  Two days before the wedding I found out he had been lying to me and was selling these drugs now.  I tell him that he has to stop or its over because I dont want to be married to a drug dealer.  He says he has quit selling but I know he hasnt.  He still hides his phone, and erases all the history.  I think he is cheating on me again, or using drugs again.

Last week I came home and I found him and his friend in the basement.  They looked like they were up to something.  I found a line set up on his workbench, ready to sniff.  He claims it was his friends.  I dont believe him.  I want to see his drug test.  I want to see that it is clean.  He wont let me.

He says he is done with me running his life, and being his worden.  He claims he has proven himself over and over again and he is not doing it anymore.  So we fought about it today in the van.  He pushed my head up against the side of the door and im sure it will bruise.  He smashed the bolt cutters off the dashboard over and over, kept telling me to shut the "f" up, and to get the "f" outta his van or he was gonna push me out.   I told him thats it, im done, that I hate him and he reached over undid my seatbelt and started driving in the wrong lane to scare me.  Then he drove back in our lane.  He told me he was going to smash everything in our house so I would have nothing.  That he was going to clean me out.  I said I dont care as long as he is out of my life.   He was raging so bad, I actually thought he might kill me with the bolt cutters.  When we got home i told him I wanted him out and he said "f u" u get out.  I already lost one place because of him, I'll be damned if Im gonna let him push me out of another one.  No way.  So he went upstairs and got his sword, which he loves to intimidate me with.  But he did nothing with it.  Then he told me that he can do way better than me...Right now.... so I said good, go call her, go live with her.  So he made a phone call and told this girl that he needed her to come over here and smash my head in....  I told him to bring it on, he said I better call the ambulance.  Then he left.  That was an hour ago.  I told him all his stuff would be on the porch, that he was no longer welcome here.

So now im sitting here, I can feel the anger subsiding, and I dont want him to leave. I just want him to be nice to me like he used to be.  I just want us to get along,  I need him to stop lying to me.  Im so tired of all this.