The Beginning Of A Cycle?

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years was a sweetheart. We started off as an amazing couple that many were envious of us. This is because he would take me to all these places and treat me to all these wonderful things. When I was really ill and need to go to the ER, he would always take me there and make sure I was okay. Afterwards, things started getting sour. My friends accused me of spending more time with him than anyone else. They accused me avoiding them. He never really had any influence on that issue because personally I was distancing myself from that particular group of friends because of my personal issues with them. He gotten used to it always being about him. Never had I seen any signs of control in the beginning. Only later.
We had three abortion procedures done. It's not something I'm relieved or proud of but in my personal and family situation it would not be accepted. I suffer the long term psychological consequences of those three decision. And of course I understand some may say I deserve a worse punishment and maybe that I even deserve the emotional abuse I am in now for the decisions I've made. I also knew in the third pregnancy that I couln't bring a child into a relationship because the signs of abuse were prominent now.
Soon after whenever I wanted to spend more time with my friends (even the group I reconciled with) he would throw a huge fit. I knew when it involved telling him I am going out with someone from that group he would get angry. I guess the reason why is because he felt threatened that they may take me away from him. Even in the beginning if I was talking on the phone with one of my friends for a long time and not him he would get angry.
I saw the beginning of the abuse cycle one night, it was 1am. I was not answering my cell phone because it was on silent. I had work the next morning. He had called my little brother ( I still live with my family) and he didn't answer his cell phone. He then called my house, in which my brother had come to tell me that he had called. I then answered my cell phone (because when I looked at my phone he was calling). He was enraged and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was sleeping. He said "oh that's weird you don't answer the phone, neither does your brother but when I call the house you guys answer the phone..what are you sucking on his d***?" I was in utter shock to respond. I felt like I was punched in the guts. I knew the moment he accused me of ******, we were over. It was a major red flag right before my eyes. The following day, I told him we are to go on a break. No speaking as much, we will see each other twice and I will come to the wedding. He had agreed. He knew what he did was wrong, he felt terribly guilty. He told me how he was sexually abused as a child (which I never knew). He ws aware that he has problems because he grew with parents that weren't good influence of a proper relationship. [As a teen, he was humiliated when he couldn't "perform properly" during his first sexual experience. He also was cheated on by a girl who was involved with other guys at once. He liked a girl from high school and when he met her after some years, she said he was too passive.] --> these are things that he shared with me before.
As a nursing student my academic life is very demanding. Even with all these problems right now I find it very hard to focus. Anyways, he would ask me let's go to this movie or this movie or this movie. He suggested many movies and I always rejected because I was busy with school. This past friday we were at the mall doing some shopping for a wedding I realized a certain particular movie was out. Little did I know he had tickets to two movies for that evening for us to go to , but he never asked me. Anyways, last night I went out with a friend to a movie. To my unfortunate coincidence it was to the same movie he had tickets for the previous night. When I got home and told him what movie I saw he was pissed and refused to speak to me. I got mad, came home, packed all my stuff he ever gave me (well atleast most of it) all the stuff he had purchased for me to wear to the wedding this friday. I dropped it off at his house (gave the bag to his mom saying it was the stuff for the wedding), called him and left a message that he has all his stuff (including my cell phone, which he bought for me). He called my house at 1 am, enraged! Saying stuff like How could I have doen something like? Doing that shows that you just don't want anything to do with me. Did you know I bought ticked to movie X and movie Y, I had four tickets in my pocket,I came home ripped them. I cried myself to sleep last night. He then proceeded to call me names like b****, w****, a piece of ****. That's literally what he referred to me as when speaking to me. He threatened to kill me, to chopp me into tiny pieces. He said i hope you suffocate to death and burn in hell. Keep in mind he was drunk. He had drank alot after finding out I returned all this stuff. He used to be a drug addict and an alcoholic. He stopped drugs before meeting me and the alcohol was stopped because I said if he wanted me around he needed to stop drinking. He had said I can find a better girl etc. etc. I spoke to him this morning, and he said I know what I said was wrong there is no point saying sorry I really do love you. I know I need help that's why Im going to seek it.

I don't know what to do...

Oh I would also like to add. I have done my contributing share to this crappy relationship. 6 mothns ago, we were at a club witha group of friends, it was one of hteir birthdays. He was drunk. He got mad that I wasn't with him and I was standing in line for the with this acquintance while he was standing with his friend. I didn't want to intrude and make his friend seem like the third wheel. afterwards, he just never approached me and gave me his glare. It was clear that he was pissed that I was spending time with my friends and not with him. When I got up to speak with him, I used my "oh my phone seems to be acting weird" as an excuse to talk to him. He got mad took my phone and msashed it on the ground in front of everyone. Not everyone saw though..some thought he dropped it while others saw him throw the phone on the ground. I was humilated. That night a guy put his hand up my dress and felt up my butt. I was scared and ashamed at what he might do/say. So I told him on one of those club couches. He got mad at me, got up and just left me sitting there by myself. So I walked away and he followed. The whole night was just a mess. Near the end of the night he wouldnt get into the limo, so I went and I asked him what's wrong. He then said get away from me. we continuted to bicker when this guy whom he was having issues with that night came up to him and started arguing, they began getting into an argument. I got mad and slapped him twice. In front of everyone. This was not the first time. When we got into arguments and he touched me I slapped his arm or hands away. Once we were in the mall and he wasn't responding to me I remember slapping him. I know what I did is wrong. And I feel like my dominancy early on in the relationship has led to this.
amik94 amik94
18-21, F
Jul 25, 2010