Is It My Fault? God I Try To Be Good.

Every other friday is pay day for him and so he throws me a few hundred and calls himself a good provider.

i don't want his money. i want the man i fell in love with 7 years ago.

he is so talented. the way he takes my words, twists them around, makes everything i say, everything i did not mean...and i usually am quick on my feet; i usually am good at debating... with everyone except him. he can take a compliment and turn it into me being hateful. he knows my fears from my childhood of abuse and he plays with me. he knows to withhold intimacy because it makes me feel useless, he knows to ignore me when i am crying because it hurts me worse.

he knows all my deepest secrets, and he uses them against me now. he wasnt always like this. and maybe it's in my mind. maybe he isnt so bad. sometimes he treats me so good. like when i got accepted into Columbia he sent me flowers just a few days ago saying he was proud of me and he loved me. when my family cant eat he buys them food. if i dissociate he usually is there for me and nice. not always but i know i am frustrating.

but i dont get how you can watch a movie "wrong." i hate movies. usually. well, i hate movies with sex. it makes me have bad flashbacks. but all movies really are hard for me to watch just because i get bored easy, i have adhd. i can read fine, i can read for hours and not be bored... so he uses that against me. he screams i watch movies the wrong way. when i ask the what the wrong way is, he says, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.

but i really dont.

and i love music. but he wont watch music videos that mean something important to me anymore. he used to... used to... that's why i am still with him... i hope THAT guy comes back... he wont i know... but... you know. i've lost so many people... i can't lose him too. i have this need to ... hope he still loves me.

one time we went rowing at central park. i had to drag him outta the apartment but i kept pretending to be happy. trying to get him happy. i was so preoccupied with the water and how pretty things were that i forgot he told me to watch out behind him. and we ended up by the rocks, we didnt hit anything; except a tree limb, which i thought was funny cuz it wasnt a big deal; i didnt think. but he spoke in that tone that makes me wanna sob, but i've learned better than to cry. well usually. gave me an evil glare and went on a whispered rant of how selfish and self centered i was..

i wear heels; i love heels. it was slippery after a snow storm a few times. i fell down the stairs at our building.

it's your own fault. i told you not to wear those shoes.

if i get sick, even though i work from home, i am selfish cuz "i know he will take off work to take care of me"
or
"you didnt listen when i told you how to tie your scarff!"

he locks me in the room sometimes if he thinks what i am wearing is, as he puts it, "too sexy" and shows off "what is his." thats when he is not going with me. if he is going with me, he screams that i look bad but says in that sarcastic way, "but if you wanna go around looking that way, that's fine."

i'm sorry. please don't read all of this if i am making you mad, too. please don't be mean. i just need to say all this maybe for myself, maybe for my soul, god i dont know.

it was never abuse to me until a couple years ago when we went skating at bryant park.
+i have a bad leg because of a broken leg i never had fixed as a child, and also, my knee cap dislocates.+

This was the day it just hit me, you know, that i was in an abusive relationship. but still, even when it hit me, ... i wrote it down, swore things would change... a few weeks later, forgotten. now i sit here tonight wondering, am i in an abusive relationship?

anyway, we went ice skating after i begged him (it's free at bryant park; access to the rink anyway) and he said ok but we had to see a movie after. he doesnt like doing things i do much, and when he does do it, that's his proof that he treats me good.

maybe it is good u know, maybe .... but, i always try to do things he likes. sports, games, movies, tv, ... he never... does anymore...for me.

as i said; i hate movies with sex cuz they send me into flashbacks usually. and he knows this. he was kind enogh not to make me see watchmen. i liked the comic. kind of. but the movies sexual review sounded too bad and he didnt get mad that day.

but whatever. i dont mind compromising. i really dont. so we are skating. i fall. like the moron i am. my knee comes out of place so badly they have to get emt out to carry me in, when inside i am put in a leg wrap and told to go to the er and get a cast.

sensing his bad mood, i insisted that i was okay, and pointing out that we'd lose money if we went home since we bought the tickets in advance, he agreed to the movies.

we walked. we live in nyc. we are in manhattan. the F train is right there, could drop us off very close to the theater. but we walk. and we walk because he wants to go to a store.

this is when i realized...it's not in my head.

it's snowing. he says, *you stay down here, i just have to run up stairs really quick and get a comic book that just came out* (he was 26).
so i stand there. i lift my pant leg to look at my swollen leg which is black and purple and a security guard comes outside, furious.

i think i'm about to be yelled at.

he does yell. but not about me. about my fiance.

he says, "how INHUMANE he is treating you, look at your leg and he leaves you out in the freezing cold. Come inside and sit in the lobby." inhumane. that word hit me strong.

this gentleman was in his 70s and was not hitting on me. he seemed to really care.

he gave me a chair, and asked if i was okay, which i of course said yes to. there was another security guard there, and it was so embarassing. the one who had came out and got me was so furious he continued to talk about how horrible my fiance was behaving but was called away by the time my fiance came back down, a good 25 minutes later.

you know with emotional/mental/verbal abuse you always are told it's in your head or the line he uses the most on me, "you are making something out of nothing as always!" ... so for a total stranger to see it and use the word INHUMANE... i was determined i was leaving!.

... here we are, 7 years now. my stupid *** is still here. waiting for the day the man i fell in love with comes back.

thinking of how stupid i am. i had the chance to go with someone who treats me good. in fact, he came back half a year ago and tried once more. told me he could see my fiance was very mean the first time he saw our picture.

the thing is, this guy, the 1 who came back... i am in love with, have been since we met, we were best friends for so long... his child called me mom... he proposed when i just met my current fiance. and i think.... i think i was too afraid to go to someone who was so good to me. i didnt know how to respond, you know?

all my life i saw abuse and was victim of it. ALL kinds, you name it.

this is normal to me.

yet, the man who came back, ... he showed me that there are some men and relationships that arent mean....

so of course i did the smart thing and didnt go. i backed out at the last minute. his brother called me, worried. he said he had never seen him this way. he was trying to kill himeslf. me and him have done this for years; fight, talk, say lets run away, then one of us runs from the other (he grew up abused too). but he never had been suicidal because of it. i called and calmed him down. said i was coming to him.

i was packed and ready to go. when it hit me. what am i doing? leaving this guy i am engaged to for an uncertain future? i'm 22- and about to become a mother .... even though i have watched this child grow up sine he was 2 and love him with all my heart....
but what kind of role model am i? i am a cutter, an addict.... (pills).... what kind of mother would i make? what kind of wife would i make a good man like him? he'll leave...

so i ran.

i hate myself.

and if you read this, thank you. please pleaes pleae dont write a mean response. i already know i am stupid, i made mistakes and probably deserve what i get. so please dont remind me.

if you read this thanks again. and i am sorry it's so long.
TheUsedMisfit TheUsedMisfit
22-25, F
4 Responses Jul 27, 2010

Never feel bad about needing to express your feelings. The way you apologize to those reading it all through your story made my heart break. You are so 'battered' that you believe you don't even have the right to express yourself. That is NOT so. You have every right and even though since I'm here I obviously have a similar type of problem I can tell you that you are a valuable person, no one is going to be mean. You are hurting and we hurt with you. Keep writing, keep telling yourself that you matter and keep safe.

hi...<br />
reading your story i could relate with all tha pain that u have got through.. i have been in an abusive relation myself , and i everytime end up blaming myself " it was all my fault. he isnt bad"<br />
looking and your story and mine too i sometimes wonder what is wrong with us girls.. bearing so much.. when it should be those " jerks" suffering....<br />
i seriously seriously request u .. if u havent left him till now.. leave him..be with the guy who loves<br />
<br />
u only have one life to live.. live it with the man who makes u happy... my best wishes are with u...

you're very right... i gotta get out... and right now that's exactly what i am working on doing.... trying to figure out how. <br />
<br />
i am truly sorry for all that you've been through, i hope you are in a better position now, and if you ever need or want to talk, i'm always around... thank you for reading and writing... it helps to have someone confirm that i'm not crazy.

get out of the abusive relationship!! I am seven months pregnant and the father of my baby is a jerk!! I have been following him around for six whole years while we were together on and off...doing whatever he wants, etc. All of my friends and family saw him for who he really was. I just barely told him I wasn't going to take it anymore and he slandered me on facebook and is constantly telling me that I am a monster. He even accused me of being a Sociopath and I swear he is one! I even believed I WAS a sociopath just because I loved him so much I believe anything he says. My mom told me I was nuts and reminded me that I even cry tears of joy at Hallmark commercials, so how could I not posess empathy. It is hard, but if someone loves you and treats you good...go to them!! In a while you will have restored confidence, and that abuse you endured will be forgotten. <br />
<br />
"You'll be loved, you'll be loved, like you have been, and the memories of me, will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs, like they never occured...Someday, you will be loved!"