I Want To Heal.....

i am literally in tears while writing this but i seriously need a outlet. i have been a victim of emotional abuse. though i broke up with my boy friend i still continued to be with him in an unexplained relation with him where we talk to each other , just in a friendly way. Whenever we talk, we unintentionally end up arguing and fighting with each other. i have so much pent up anger inside of me against him. the moment he even points in a direction that could mean of a way that reminds me of my previous hurt, i get in a defensive mode and shoot back.

my situation is like i am becoming the exact image of my boy friend that i hated. i am unintentionally doing the same things that he did to me. i want to hurt him and at the same time when he gets hurt i want to soothe him. i hate myself for becoming somebody i am not.
despite what i have been through, i am being blamed for being an opportunist for taking a happening into account to my benefit and breaking up from it. i understand that even i was wrong at places . nobody is perfect. but i cant take this blame. it was my limits of tolerating things.

i am blamed for being an opportunist, for not believing the value of relationships, for being things that i am not. i am just breaking up with him because i am just too hurt, because i dont have the capacity to take everything again, and still i am blamed for being wrong. at one time he accepts his mistake , the very next moment he blames me for being an opportunist.
i am tired of my life. it was pain with him. it continues. he asked me to be friends with him , and even i dint want to break all my ties with him, so i continued to talk. then came new blame that i just talk out of pitty. to stop this blame i stopped talking to him. then he said why did i stop talking. and when we talk, its fite.
i am tired.
now i dont want any ties. i used to think that i should kep my ties. i never wanted to be stranger with him nor that awkwardness creep between because i was never able to hate him that bad and always thought that mistakes are made by human. but now i just cant take this anymore. i dont hate him, but the thought that never came to my mind before has started creeping up- the question that do i really love him anymore??? do i even want him as a friend?
i am fed up of my life. i have messed up. i just want all this to end.
the hurt, the guilt, the burden , the doubts, the endless anger and me turning the worst possible human i could be.
i am tired of evrything, i want this mess to clear up

i want to heal. i want to be good again. i want to be me again. the better version.
please tall me a way to heal....
toughtime toughtime
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 2, 2010

Oh.. :( You just met a predator, that's all. You're probably not all those things he made you out to be. Nothing you do will ever be enough and you will always be at the losing end emotionally while getting all the blame. What helps for me sometimes is a hobby. I got me a fish. I bore my mom wiht my monologues on how much I miss him even if everyone could see he was destroying me. Once in a while, I write. Other times, i listen to hypnotherapyfiles. Talk to friends (i am starting to feel less guilty as each day passes talking to them), It is not easy. If you feel like crying, cry, and if you want to talk, feel free to message me.

Bullies are very sharp and clever people, they have uncanny ways on picking on vunerble people, and there is none more vunerable than those who love the bully, it is done in a way 1st to demoralise you to chip away at your self esteem, once that has been done each time he emotionally abuses you, you hurt like mad, but you doubt whether its you your imagination or been over sensitive.<br />
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This is the one way you can heal youreslf, may sound crazy but sit alone, calm and think to yourself, you have a God given right to be loved taken care of no one has the right to bully you abuse you in any form, you must take control of yourself, be kind to your self show compassion to yourself, like yourself learn to love yourself, if you do not you will pull the bullies in, to love someone is not enough, it must be respect, trust and friendship, none of these things can exist with out each other.<br />
Until you are strong in the belief of who you are and your right to exist on this planet, getting respect and giving it I suggest you stay as far away from him as possible, two tings will manifest from this you will grow strong and be able to approach him from a different perspective and the isolation from you will make his control weak and may God willing give him time to reflect, abusive behaviour is like an addiction, only the person can help themselves when they admit they have a problem, if he does not well thats his choice, your not here to put up with or fix him, your here a unique original one off soul who has a life to live love and enjoy.<br />
Hope this helps, cause I have been there lived it.<br />