It's "nothing"

This could take awhile. Most likely, I'll leave some things out. Just don't call me a victim. It makes me feel weak and hate myself.

My dad is manipulative, often subtle, and cannot be stopped. I don't know enough about his manipulation to describe what he did accurately. It was too subtle to catch. I just know the effects. He made sure that I knew my friends were all bad for me. He threatenned to have me arrested. He led me to believe I am insane. He told me about how out of control I was. First he was protecting me, then I was a danger to the family. He made sure I knew that everything that happened to me was my fault. Stuff like that.
He cycles from good to tense to exploding. I've only recently found out that the good times were just as damaging, although more subtle. The tense times were probably the worst. I never knew what would set him off next or when. Sometimes it was things that were ok yesterday. It was always little. When he would explode, he had a habit of cornering his target and yelling right in their face. If I ran to another room, he would follow. There was no where run. (The used to be the bathroom because the door locked, but he could pick the lock.) The good times stopped completely when I was eighteen. Then, I'd spend every day not knowing if I was sleeping in my room that night or out on the street. He hurt me physically sometimes, but never enough to leave lasting marks and barely ever outright hitting me. That all healed quickly anyway. He never did anything illegal. He barely ever did anything that other people would see as abuse. I didn't know it was until a psychologist told me.

My mother and siblings joined in during the last part of my time with them. Calling me names wasn't so bad. The stuff that bothers me was how all of them blamed me for my dad's behavior. To them, my dad's treatment of me was none existent and/or totally justified.

I wrote about the psychiatrist in another place, but in a nutshell he fed me debilitating, emotionally destroying drugs (really can't describe how horrible they were) for an illness I didn't have, but that he convinced me I had. I am still terrified.

My friends and boyfriends... Well, it turned out my family was right. They really are bad for me. All of them except the autistic one. I am horrible judge of character. There were a couple who made jokes at my expense and called me names right from the start. Then there were the many who were nice to me up until teh point where I trusted them. After a while, I would have outlived my usefulness and they would tell me that everyone hates me, that they always hated me, and use a lot of colourful language to tell me how horrible a person they think I am in the most painful way. It sure screws up my ability to trust people. Also does wonders for the self esteem. Especially because I hate what they describe more than they do. Even though I supposedly know myself better than they do and what they describe doesn't make much sense to me, I still believe them.

So now I probably have a screwed up view of the world. The only reason I would guess it is because other people have a totally different view from me. I am paranoid I guess, but I still maintain that it's not paranoia when people really are out to hurt me. Of course, being the way I am makes other people hate me because I'm weak, I'm not getting better, everyone goes through it, it's nothing, and I shouldn't let it hurt me (key word there is "let"). Believe me, no one hates me more than I despise myself.
Aneith Aneith
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 5, 2010

I am sorry you have had to have this experience. There is no way you are weak. Being emotionally abused by your parent(s) basically means you are groomed from the word go into having no self worth so for you to be writing here about your experiences shows huge strength and an ability to think for yourself despite the circumstances. Being abused especially by someone who is supposed to love you when you are a child is such a huge volume of trauma. If you imagine a horrible row where you are cornered being shouted at recieving abuse and aggression, like a car crash maybe, in terms of how it affects your feeling of safety or upsets you. Then think about that happening maybe a couple of times a week for 20 years. It is such an extreme experience and takes a long time to heal. On top of that its not like you can start healing straight away. Because you've been trained to think that you don't deserve to feel good, to feel safe and loved. Sometimes I think of myself almost as having stockholm syndrome. I have all the self-loathing in the world for myself and I can barely muster a bit of anger towards my mother (the abuser in my life), despite what she did to me. I don't see my final goal as being furious with her but I sure as hell dont want to be furious with myself. You aren't even a little bit weak, what you're taking on is absolutely enormous and it sounds like you are on the way there. I am sorry to hear about your experience with such an ignorant psychiatrist, don't give up though. Talking therapy can be amazing in terms of giving you clarity and perspective and cutting through the fog of thoughts and feelings in your head. I wish you all the best. You are not wrong in this, it is not 'nothing'- It sounds like your father has treated you despicably. Don't blame yourself for a second, Children are INNOCENT.