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I Think I Am Trapped In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Hello To You All,
I have been with my Partner for 6yrs and if I was to be 100% honest it has not been a happy 6yrs. I think that he is emotionally abusive towards me...here is a list of some of the ways in which he treats me.
  • He is always out with his Friends (every evening & at least 3/4 times a week he is out from 11am - 1am)
  • He often threatens to leave me (but NEVER has) & when I say "if thats what you want to do then go" he never does
  • He makes me feel afraid by the way that he looks at me & he regularly smashes things up (usually his mobile and always blames me for 'winding him up')
  • He refuses to listen to my thoughts, feelings or worries about our relationship...accusing me of over analysising or trying to cause an argument.
  • He treats me like I am very stupid (tells me that I act stupid)
  • Nothing I ever say or do is ever good enough
  • He hates me talking about our relationship with anyone
  • He is trying to make me break contact with my family (I have already moved from Wales to live in England with him - 5yrs ago) All my family and friends live in Wales
  • He says we can't afford to go and visit my family and friends
  • He gets moody if my Parents visit me here
  • He Withholds affection and intimacy from me (as if trying to tempt me into having an affair with someone)
  • He neglects me - leaves me home alone most days whilst he is out with his friends (he only ever texts/rings if he wants me to do something for him there and then)
  • He Never does any housework but complains that I haven't done it right
  • He has NEVER been physically violent to me but he has pushed me and threw a chair at me
  • He tells me 'its all in my head' when i challenge him on his treatment towards me.
He is 41yrs old and not working due to stress, anxiety and depression issues. His Ex Wife cheated on him which caused the break-up of their Marriage (she ended the marriage not him). He is addicted to Cannabis.

Please help me

Rainbow.x. .
rainbow7969 rainbow7969 31-35, F 12 Responses Sep 19, 2010

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It's not hard to break free…I was in the SAME spot as you…your list is almost exactly the way my relationship was…I'm a guy and was emotionally abused by my gf of 6 years for most of the relationship. Two weeks ago I left…I shouldn't be sad, but I am…the only thing I miss is holding her close at night, I loved doing that. Occasionally I miss the sex, but I really miss just holding her. When I cry about this to my friends or my family they ask me when was I happy…i say "when i held her close to me at night." They inform me that I deserve to be happy for more than 30 minutes out of 24 hours…i just say that 30 minutes is better than none. I'm trying hard to be strong but it is hard. Get out if you can…it's tough but i think it will all be worth it if i can stay strong. Good luck to you and find happiness!

We live miles and miles apart, yet share the exact same story. Thanks for being so honest, it helps me see how I am appalled to read of this treatment towards other women, yet continue to accept it for myself. The excuses I make, the time I've wasted!

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply to my post, It really does mean a lot to me. As you may of realized - I have not told anyone what is going on (although a few close friends have commented that our relationship appears to be one-sided...all his way never mine).<br />
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I guess I am too afraid and ashamed to admit that once again I am in an unhealthy relationship. I was trapped in a very violent relationship with my Daughter's Father for 6yrs (1996-2002)...finally broke free by going into a Women's Aid Refuge.<br />
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Love to you all<br />
<br />
Rainbow.xxx

Your posting sounds exactly the same as that of my step-daughter who was emotionally involved with an abusive, manipulative partner for around eight years. He too was addicted to marijuana (and as far as we know, still is). He would lie to her about where he was and what he was up to and basically kept her prisoner in her house while he was out. He used to check her phone messgaes as he believed she was talking to friends about him. He kept her with no credit so she couldn't call anybody, wanted her to sell the car we bought for her, never gave her any money for petrol in case she left him. She has two lovely sons but he never provided for them - all his money went on himself. Of course, bills were never paid and every time she was with him she'd end up in debt and losing her home. These guys don't pay bills do they? <br />
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I expect he makes you feel like crap too and leaves you wondering whether the problems you are encountering are your own fault? Well, they're not. You feel the way you do because that's how he wants you to feel. He'll destroy your self-respect and leave you thinking you're not capable of doing anything without him. He'll tell you that you'll end up on your own and lonely. Well, you won't. there are plenty of good people out there and clearly this creep isn't one of them. You deserve better.<br />
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He will claim to love you (and your daughter) but these people only truly care for themselves. I rememebr that once, the boys' nan gave them £5 for their birthday. He took the money and spent it on drugs. She used to rely on us visiting so we could buy the boys clothes and pay bills for her. She tried to leave him three times but always ended up back with him. He was very manipulative on the phone and used his 'charm' to get her back. Basically, he needed somebody to live off - he saw child benefit and free housing as a way of life. The last time they split up he moved in with various other women until each got wise to him and kicked him out. He even got one of them pregnant but she immediately had an abortion when she relaised what her life would be with him. That was his modus operandii - getting the woman pregnant so she kept him for the sake of the child having a father. She has been free of him for a year now and has got herself back on her feet. She has a home, and a job and some savings. The boys are doing well at school.<br />
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The only advice I can offer is to get away from this loser. He will destroy himself (the marijuana makes you increasingly paranoid) and he will destroy you with him. Think of your daughter. For her sake you need to get away from this man. If this is the respect he shows you, then think of what he's capable of doing to her?<br />
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Get yourself on a train. If you can't go back to your mother then at least contact social services. There are refuge centres around the country that will help you and your daughter - where he won't be able to find you. You need to get away. For your daughter's sake do it - and do it soon.

Please read my stories on abuse. You are indeed being abused both verbally and physically. Throwing a chair at someone and pushing them darling is physical abuse. He is also neglectful along with the verbal abuse. You need to get out as soon as you can. It will eventually work into physical abuse. I know you may not be able to see that right now but it will. Please take time to read my stories and you will understand better. Hugs.

Rainbow, I've been at the other end of that spectrum. Coming from someone who did some similar things to his wife out of anger, frustration, and lack of communication, I can straight up say that he needs help if he wants this to work. It took my wife nearly leaving me and taking my 2m old son (my only child) for me to think things through. Whatever his reasoning is, it all comes down to how strong your love is and what you feel will benefit you both. If you love him enough to try and change him, try to get counseling and drug rehab for his cannabis use. Whatever his frustration is from his ex-wife, he still hasn't worked it out and in the end, he's never gonna do anything but make him and everyone miserable until he is able to. Feel free to shoot me a comment if you ever need someone to talk to or if you want to hear what may be going on in his head from someone who's been in similar shoes.-LostNBrknSoul

Aww thank you all for your lovely messages...I am so glad that I found this site (in the early hours of Sunday morning following a failed attempt to 'talk' to my Partner about how he makes me feel. He was in bed fast asleep without a care in the world...I was sat alone on the computer sobbing)<br />
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Love Rainbow.xxx

i was in a similar reashinship for 5 years he use to say i awas ugly and never came out with me he said he was ashamed of me. i was s o blind to see, that isnot love love set you free i hope you can get some one who treats you well soon hun xxx

I learned from my recent counseling sessions that pushing & throwing things at you is a form of physical abuse. The mental, emotional & verbal abuse hurts just as bad if not worse. I personally do not think my husband will ever change, mainly because it's never his fault, it's everyone elses. I wish you the best!

That's definitely not right. You can do better<br />
good luck <br />
xxxxx

Aww thank you for your lovely message.<br />
Love Rainbow.xxx

I'be been married 36 years and your list,, could be mine. My husband would always say, you love cranking me up. Sure we love to be yelled at and called names. I can only tell you, the verbal abuse will probably become worse(mine did). You eventually lose all your self esteem, and believe that what they say must be right. My physical abuse was alot yours, until I had enough of him being called a F>>>>ing *****. I had enough, and went at him. I knew he would come after me, but finally got back part of me that day. I think at that point, he knew I would not take abuse anymore, and seeing my black eye was a reminder of what he had done. (They can't see the scares of emotional abue. He did change, and he is now the husband I would have liked him to be, but I regret that my children witnessed alot of the abuse, and I think they they accept some of it as normal. As for the stress in his life. That was my husband too. When it was bad, I was the one that he took his frustrations on. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you from experience yes It is emotional and physical abuse. Good luck.