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It Started After Our First Premature Son And Hasnt Stopped Since Restraining Orders Have Became A Waste Of Time.

 
12.30.10
So, im sitting here just thinking about my life like he does and the minute I thought about the loss than gain in this relationship the more I believe that something missing here. We argued for months about equality in the relationship and I thought about every bridge I burned to keep him happy, mother, sisters, brother, nieces, aunts and uncles. Even true friends. Now I know having a family can be a top priority but having a separate life is a priority as well. I don’t have any friends, any job, any social life outside of my apartment and even though I think he’s not abusive the more I believe so….the signs are there. Physical abuse and emotional abuse is different but the results are the same. Depression, emotional inadequacy, feeling alone regardless of what happens. I seem to always have to bite my tongue, or become the enemy when I choose to voice my opinon about our relationship. Nothing means more to me than our family and 2010 was my year to prove that to him but even after I proved that I feel like this is going to be my life. I don’t want this for my life. No I shouldn’t have lied to him and no I shouldn’t have been childish but damn im hurting just thinking about how my blood reacts to me now. they wont respond to me, they wont **** with me and that hurts me, because by choice he stopped talking to his family, but I felt forced and it wasn’t right but it wasn’t right for me to give him all the power of my life either. Im starting to feel chocked up and I hate it, im feeling a lot of emotions right now and it hurts. Now that every bridge of mine is burned he threatens to leave me and since I have nobody and nothing its easy and yes it would kill me because all the help I had I don’t have anymore. I mean im sorry that your situation was bad but I don’t want that for our children. I don’t want them to see what I did, I don’t want them to feel what I feel. I want more for them, if they’re repeating my cycle they will soon accept what im accepting and they will hate me for putting them through that, I don’t know but I have to get on my feet.
SQH
** i've had restraining orders, and he;s violated it three or more times and im on dss getting assistance and i cant work, have friends or see my family. Whatever family still do have which is just distant friends over FB. I've left him twice and he's gotten locked up more than once but it seems to be me thats weak, i cant be like this anymore i want PEACE!

shahood23 shahood23 22-25 1 Response Dec 30, 2010

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As a suggestion, the first thing you need to do is try to get in touch with your family, if possible. Find a way to build a support system. Contact your local agency that deals with domestic violence. The aching loneliness, the isolation, the pain you feel will not go away. It is a tactic a lot of abusers use. If you have no one and no where to go, you have no options except to stay with your abuser. As for his violating the restraining orders, that will happen. Run, go hide where he can't find you, even across country if you can. Your dss worker can probably help you. Do not believe him when he says you can't because of your child. Do not put your location on facebook, he can find you from it. No one deserves to be in pain. Also remember that if you stay and accept it, your child will accept it and has a good chance of being either an abuser or abused. Hugs to you.