Post

Alone

it started after the divorce of my parents, or while they were getting divorced, i have skin problems everytim i get stressed spots shows up all over my skin like burns, i remember goign to ask him for money to buy meds all he does is yelling, scaring us (me and my sisters) was his best solutions, "i don't have the money go to your mother, anyhow i went to my mother for everything, she received her divorce letter the 21st october, the day of my birthday, i got in to the bethroom and stayed there for an hour or so just sitting, i am doing the same thing right now, only i have been stuck here for two hours, i just don't to get out, i have been crying, and then i decided to this, i don't know exacly how to tell the story i feel like i am falling in details and i feel stupid cause i tried to talk about this to my uncle who is a college thinking he would understand, but he didn't he never did he never even, all he thinks is that i am a person who likes to attract attention, after the divorce, for some reason my mother just started to hate me, i desparetly tried to attarct her attentions i listened to all of her complaints i have always been to comfort her soemthing that none of my sisters did, and she have found a reason to yell at me, insult me like "you are good for nothing...." the one i hated the most was "your skin is falling apart you deserve that" and things like that, my eldest sister skiped school, so many times, she even skiped exams she never got beaten up from momy like i did and all i did was walking home with a girl that she didn't like, i graduated from high school, she cried the day i did, father in the middle of that year he slaped me in the street, because the only time he comes to see us he keeps complaining "it is because of your mother yelling,.... I don't have any authority on you" i answered him by "buy us at least medicine and you will have your authority" and it started with a slap, so many events most of them are mental abuse, i couldn't even do what i wanted to do after high school, they found exuses, for some reason they won i went to that school i try to defend my opinion i always end up failing and they got me to the school that they have chosen, summer came and i am teh weirdo, all my cousins are girls they live in france and they all have stories to share of boyfriends...., exept for me, so i spend the summer alone, i tried to pass again the bachelor so i can get a better mark and then a good school, another plan they desagreed with, another year of mental abuse, and i couldn't even pass the exam, i just couldn't go, the day of the day the result came out i told them i didn't get it, mother told me i knew it, everybody and then she laughed, i was lying numb in my bed listening to her loud laughter, no one beleives me and that is just another breaker, i wanted to have a story so i got a boyfriend, tried to have sex from some reason i just couldn't do it, so we kissed touched but i couldn't go any further, he wasn't my type at all i wanted to do it and on the same time it was like i was having a pannic attack, after that i got away with family for summer i thought about it, once we got back home, i broke up with him he is kind of populer unlike me, i don't have any friends, he says behind my back that i am a *****, everyone beleives him, a roomer that grew bigger an bigger, the neighbours everyone, even family, that is what everybody thinks i am a *****, there is even a picture, in the streets they laugh, the young ones the old ones whisper, i don't how to deal with it, i wish i can have someone to talk, i quit that school by the way now all i want to do is stay home; awayyyyy, did i mention my problems of attention loss of memory and difficulties to concentrate have started in high school and they only grow bigger ever since, it is a tooo long story i apologize, it is coming from a person who can't gather her thoughts and doesn't even know who she is, i watch movies that is all i do with ly day, you will probabely ask the question if i ever visited a shrink, the answer i did, and he was one sick relegious person, who thought my parents were right, i cried at the end of the session and i never went back
IAMMAR IAMMAR 18-21, F Aug 25, 2011

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