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My Strength You Used As My Weakness.

Here is yet another example of how my Narcissitc husband.  Controled and used the good in me for his own control over me. 

I am away from him but still trapped...this is one reason why.

When I met him I was at a night club 20yrs old and hot young thing.  I was dancing away on the dance floor.  Dancing like no one was watching.  I loved to dance.  My favorite thing to do.  All I did was dance.  Gave up Ballet after my mom died so was a hurting passion I guess.  I still do love to dance.   I don't too much cause my kids......well that's another story.

I notice my friend talking to some dude.  Yea whatever she was always looking for guys.  Me....the music....what I wanted was to DANCE! 

You have to come meet this guy......He's hot and from Jamica. ( she just had returned from a vacation there)  I am not interested but I go over to make my friend happy.  After the intro I decide to go outside to cool off.  He follows me.   He makes idle chit chat.  I say I am walking around the block to cool down I will be back in later.  He stay's will me says he'll keep me company.  Oh he was putting on the moves big time......I however am not interested.  So he says well can I get your number.  No I am not from Toronto.  Just here to dance for the night.  It was nice meeting you though.  

I go back in .....my friend continues to talk to the group of guys....me I am back on the dancefloor.  He watches me.  I am a very good dancer at the time.  All I can feel is him watching. 


I put on a show for him why not....he's looking. 
As we leave he asks for my number again...he's persistant.  He's very good looking.  Why not.  No harm i live 30km away. 

He calls me the following night we talk for hours...my gosh he is soooooooooo charming.  I feel so comfortable with him.  He's funny and smart and did I say good looking. 

Will you come back and meet up with me?  he asks....

Sure can I bring a friend?  I say

If she dosen't mind me selling her on the street for a pack of smokes..he jokes.....I don't want to get to know your friend I want to get to know you. 
hmmmmmmm ok what harm I think.  I feel comfortable we have talked for a couple hours. 

I meet him and well ......fast and frurios from there.  I fell head over heels in love.  He was everything a man could be.  We dated for a year it was rocky.  We also knew there was no commitment really.   Living in different city and he was out we were young...living.  I didn't have an issue.  Until I found out that his out was really him having an 2 gf that he spent time with plus many others .  He told me he wanted to be with me now.  So I move to Toronto for the second time.  I moved before for school than back home so this time it was for good.  Plus my dad had downsized significatly since then......lol that is a different story .  I lost my job and my roomates moved so I needed a place to live.  He offered me to stay with him at his mom's till I find a place.  After 2 weeks I find a job around the corner and we decide to find a place together.

We talked about our future and I said well If I am going to be able to move on with you I want to know everything about the last 2 years.  We stay up all night.  He tells me about all the women he's been with in that time.  I am now sure he left several out.  One comment sticks out now....Didn't like it then but ......

So he say's oh and Anne........pauses...

your brothers toutor? 

She was a high school student that helped his brother.  She had a crazy crush on him...she was a larger girl who really didn't seem his type.  I don't mean to be mean but a rather unattractive girl.  Sorry Anne....

yea....well I felt sorry for her.  It was just once....

I gulped ......DID HE JUST SAY THAT?


Ok that was alot to take ......he slept with alot of women. 
He asks me......I tell him .....

I had dated a couple other guys in the time but ......well nothing like him.
He seems to have an issue with some of them.  They we talk some more.  I say why don't we give ourselves a couple days to digest this info and then we decide if we do this.  He also tells me that he never intends on getting married his parent divorce tramatized him.

Ok .....sleep on it we do.
He spends everymoment possible with me.  I ask him.....do you love me?. 

I don't know what love is.....I don't know if I have felt it......I know I am used to you. I am comfortable with you. 
I want to be with you......so ya I love you.

I should have run right there and then...I wanted him to love me though...so good enough.  We move in. 

My father knew I was dating a men outside my race.  He never seemed to have an issue.  Now he did.....it was the living together thing.  I think he thought it was a fad.....so my fathers racism comes out. 

We have strong words my father and I ......Finally I state you haven't met him.  Your judging based on a skintone.  Until you can deal with it don't talk to me. 

We don't for 2 yrs.  I am a stubborn chick.....In the mean time.....it was not bliss.  We fought.  He was out all the time.  Stayed late with the boys....alllllll the time.
My next door neighbours told me they thought he had killed me and the neighbourhood was wondering cause they hadn't sceen me in awhile. 
Nope I was still breathing so it continues...I couldn't go home I was making a point to my dad.  I had to stick by this man.  I had to prove my Dad wrong.


Dec 15 1989 my dad calls.....I want you to come home for Christmas and bring him. 
Yea I won.
We go he charms my father my family.  It was good.  I had my family back and the man I loved. 
Plus I missed my Dad so much.  He was my hero so this fight meant alot.  I actually was teaching him a lesson he taught me.  Treat people how you want to be treated.....and stand up for what is right.  Thanks Dad.

Now I have proven my point to my whole family I can live a happy life.  He knew my level of commitment.  He knows what kind of person I am.  Life improves for a bit.  He dosen't like his job so I say quit.  He always wanted to write a movie.  Do it I say.  I am working and making enough we may struggle a bit but you can do it.  (his ultimate supporter)  Ugh.....i set myelf up sooooo good. 
He does.......I support him and encourage him.  He is not doing too much writing but it's good.....he will. 

My father becomes ill.  He has colon cancer and fights to win for a few more years....that is another story...soo many I know.

 I am now 24 and I am pregnant with our 1st child.  My father talks to him and tells him to get back to work.....behind my back. 
(i didn't know this until many yrs after) 
I want this baby .....I want to be a mom.  I lost mine I want that bond.  I miss you mom.  I am going to be a GREAT mom. 
So I buy books ......17 of them to be exact.  Some were soooo not me... some were great info.  I read and re read and was soooo excited to be a mom. 
He's home writing his movie.  I am working and pregnant.  I am happy .......
My father is not......he's making sure he does the right thing.....back to work.  Take care of your family.  They get along fine my father is just wanting the best for me.  He's also freaked about having a mixed race grandchild.    Not for long.....
I leave work to go for my  Dr.  appointment.  I am due soon but I want to work up to my duedate.  I don't leave the hospital.  She had stopped moving so one way or another your having this baby he says.
I am excited......little worried but the heart is still beating........I am going to have my BABY!!!!!
I call him .......tell him the news and ask him to come.

Right now?  .......

Well they are not letting me out of the hospital....I need you to bring my things.  Not sure when but they are not releasing me.  They are monitoring me for now though. 

Oh ok well then ........Im going to be a dad.



Nurses are coming in and out I am hoooked up to monitors and the doctor tells me they are inducing me and I should go into labour soon he will check back in awhile.
He sits in a chair beside me reading the newspaper.  He looks up as the doctor says this......
So I wanted to ask you something..
Ok I say as my labour gets more intense.
So do you want to get married?

What?
I am in labour???
Well that's what your supposed to do.  That what your Dad would want.

So you want to get married to make my dad Happy ......
I am not getting Married because of a child.......so No.

That was it. My daughter was born the following day.

I was soooooo happy to have a daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so happy she was my world.

Life continues.  I have a daughter she fills me and I am so enjoying being a mom.  She is soooooo adorable. 
He wants her to be a baby model.....we do....for him. 
I know see it's because the children were another form of adulation for him.
He's returned to the same job he left before she was born and once again .......never home.
We have a second child and my father falls ill again.
This time Cancer won.  I miss you DAD.
My father made sure to settle his assets before his death. The day of his death I went to see him.  We talked I knew he was saying goodbye .....so hard.
He handed me a cheque for $32,780.00 in the note section it said..LOVE PAYMENT.
I looked at him and looked at my 8 month old daughter and say.  This money will only go to puting a roof over my childrens head or thier educations.  You have my word. 

On the way home I tell him the conversation.  I say this is the last time I am going to see my dad. I know this. 
I am going to miss him too you know.  ......that was his comforting....nice i know.

I kept it.  I bought a house.
I kept my word............................Until
Aug 2009.
I am free from him and the house is sold.  I sit in the lawyers office to see what is left.  ..............just over $52000.00.  We only had 65k left owing and We sold it for 370k it was appraised at 420k........we had debts...he says. 
thats another story .....
the goverment goes in and takes half that due to the fact he hasn't paid taxes and......well that leave now 26k or so. 
This is the convo....
Please just let me take that money and put it as a down payment to a home for them. 
No half is mine.
Please I gave my word to my father.  Don't do this.
It was my house I deserve half......your not getting it.


FINE leave it there kids can get it when I'm dead.
The money sit's in a lawyers office to this day. 

Sorry Dad....

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flodials flodials 41-45, F 1 Response Mar 5, 2012

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Wow! So sorry... you have been hurt so deeply. Your expressions of your soul are amazing. I pray that your Dad will look down on you, and you feel his presence and assurance of his love. There are men out there who take commitment and unconditional love very seriously. I pray that you can experience that... selfishness is a corrosive ingredient that kills others and self. I think that the greatest keys and mysteries of a happy life, is learning to expel selfishness and embrace unconditional love. When the union of two souls is able to embrace those keys, pure joy evolves. Flodials, know that God has someone for you who can provide that yearning that we ALL have for TRUE LOVE. Be patient, reach out to those who care and love you, and call out to God to help you step by step to that end.