This Isn't Me, It's Just A Part Of My Story.I was always a fiery, vibrant, smart, witty, goal setting and funny girl. People loved me, or they feared being on my bad side. I think some people still see me that way, but for those who know my true emotions, they tell me I'm not the same.
I moved to Los Angeles almost 4 years ago to bring my family together. I had been in a long distance relationship with my now estranged husband, I had 1 son from a previous marriage and we had 1 together. Our relationship was never perfect when I moved here, but It was honestly getting better, and he was changing. I left a career, my family, and my support system behind.
To make a long story short, he has been very verbally and emotionally abusive more of the relationship than not. We now have 3 kids, I have a 1 year old daughter. As his career begin to take off, and he would travel, building my career was of course secondary, and for the sake of my family, I was okay with that. I'd also been going through a lot personally, my mother has been fighting cancer and a very close 1st cousin of mines was critically injured in a shooting. Throughout it all, my husband verbally attacked me, name calling, threatening divorce, making fun of my anxiety and depression, if I every approached him when he wasn't in the mood to deal with me. I wasn't worth a damn. Smirking, stonewalling, or outbursts of putdowns were how my petitions for communication and needs were met. I was also constantly rejected sexually which i know have really affected my self esteem.
It's been a little over a week since he's been gone out of the house now. I still worry sometimes about how the bills will be met. He makes it very obvious that he's much happier without me, and that hurts. I've been able to do more without him around, and I definitely feel more creative and I look better. It's rough being with all 3 children, ages 9, 6, and 1, but I think Im handling it well. Ive got a job interview Ive persistently chased for 2 months tomorrow. I'm in therapy. I pray constantly throughout the day.
I still get very lonely. I still want him to miss the entire family unit, and WANT to change. I know better than to try to force it on him. I spent years trying to talk or communicate. I have nothing to say. His efforts of change have only been temporary and half-hearted to appease me. My actions last week said, NO MORE. I'm committed to healing. This is not easy. It is an hour by hour process.