I Cant Confront My Husband And Counciling Is Not Helping

I know this is a super long post but this is the first time I have been able to get anything off my chest and I just cant stop. 
 if at least one person reads this and comments I will be so grateful!

I have been married for two and a half years and we have  son that is almost two. after we got married we lived with my parents for a couple of months before he bought a house ( I say he because he makes sure to remind me periodically that the house is not mine) it wasn't until we moved in to the new house that I realized something wasn't right.

he spends long periods of time not speaking to me or giving me the most hateful looks if I say anything to him or just walk in the room. he used to call me from work and sound so happy  that I was always hopeful that when he came home he would be in a good mood, but he never was. I would open the door for him and smile as big as I could and greet him as happy as I possibly could sound and he would roll his eyes at me and push past me without a word. I began to go crazy trying to figure out what I had done to make him so unhappy. 

we have had four violent incidents each one  worse than the previous. the first time  was before we were married (and I blame myself for not seeing it as a warning, and getting out while i could) he yelled at me for going to clubs and I yelled back and we screamed at each other for about 15mins until he apologized and said he loves me so much, the second time we were married and just moved int the house and he screamed at me for spending too much time with my mother and sister and telling them too much of our business. the third  time I was coming home (from my mother's house with our newborn baby) and I didn't have a key because I had misplaced mine and my husband said i could not k, mm  have another one because I am irresponsible. I rang the door bell over and over and he never answered, I did have the back door key so I went to the back and tried the lock but he had put the chain on the door so I still couldn't get in. I was just about to get back in the car with my mom when he opened the door . I came in an said( with an attitude) "dont put that chain on the door while I m still out, you sleep too hard and I wont be able to get in) at that point he ran tword me at  full speed and started screaming inches away from my face,and punched a hole in the wall  I was scared! I started screaming back STOP! STOP! when he finally stopped screaming he told me I could leave his house If I wanted but I was not taking his son, he grabbed the baby carrier and took it up stairs I went upstairs behind him and sat on the bed with the baby. he slammed around and then left to sleep in the guest bedroom. the last time was Christmas eve I called him while I was shopping because someone was selling puppies and he wanted a dog, he told me to get a boy. I I got the boy dog in the car only to find out that he was a she, I knew he would be furious. when I got home he wouldn't speak to me.  my mother called later that evening to cancel the dinner that I invited two of my girlfriends to at her house. I called the girls and to inform them that we would now have to dine at my house. the second I got off the phone he stormed into the kitchen screaming at me for making plans without his consent! he picked up my big cookie jar and threw it across the room then picked up the little cookie jar and chucked it at the floor. (our one year old son was standing behind my legs crying.) then  he called me a stupid B#%ch stormed off upstairs. I didn't know what to do so I just cleaned all the glass off the floor, later that evening  i told him it hurt me that he called me that and he got mad and said  " see that's your problem, we can never grow cause you wont let things go" 

right after those kinds of incidents he treats me really nice and say he loves me but for the most part I spend most of the time walking on egg shells trying not to make him mad  but he always keeps me guessing I never know what will set him off. 

nothing I do is ever good enough, I don't keep the house clean enough, I don't watch the baby well enough. and anything that happens is my fault 
he never says I look nice or calls me pretty, and he always reminds me that there are plenty other woman who would be happy to have him. 

but worst of all he tries to use religion to be superior. he wont listen to secular music, he doesn't smoke, drink, or swear (unless he is calling me a B@$ch). so he says he never sins (crazy right) he says I'm a sinner  (because I  like going to clubs and lounges, I have been with more than one man, and I drink whine coolers) he says I am lucky to have him. he also says that the Bible says that my body belongs to him (even more crazy)

I know this is an unhealthy environment for my son and for me but I don't now how to get out of it. we have gone to three different councilors but it doesn't deem to help. the first we went to our pastor who knew it was a bad situation but was not equipped to handle it, all he did was tell my husband he has to treat me better. He told him God wouldn't like his actions, but of course this is most certainly  not getting to the root of the problem. our pastor referred us to a woman family councilor and this was the worst thing that could have ever happened, we had four sessions with her and all she said was that we need to compromise and that I have the tendency to overreact. she also said in front of him that as long as he inst hitting me there is no abuse. (I felt my heart break, I felt hopeless). Now we are seeing a highly acclaimed psychologist that wants me to confront him, he thinks that I just need to set barriers but no one seems to think that he need help. we spend most of our sessions talking about my anxiety and how it effects our relationship, and how there is so much stress on my husband. so essentially I get blamed for how he treats me and in turn he feels justified. I feel so stuck I don't know what to do. we are in counciling so If I leave my husband and everyone else will once again say that I'm the one causing problems 
willthisend willthisend
4 Responses Apr 20, 2012

I am a counselor for domestic violence. I can tell you without a doubt that this is domestic abuse. Mental and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. I cannot believe that these so called experts you have seen condon his behavior towards you. He needs the help, not you. The anxiety you have is caused from him. <br />
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My advice to you is to go on this website www.ndvh.org and contact someone for help. It's the national domestic violence hotline, you can talk to a conselor, learn about domestic violence, and get referrals to agencies that can help you.<br />
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Abusers never change, they will continue to abuse you, and the next one. The cycle never stops until you leave. If you noticed it's a cycle. The abuse happens, then comes the honey moon phase with the appologies and acts sweet for maybe a week or two, then comes the abuse again. It only gets worse and worse, and soon he will treat your son the same way, or teach your son to disrespect you and other woman. <br />
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Please go to that website. You are not crazy and it is not your fault.<br />
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Take Care.

your right it is a cycle, it happens just like you said, right now the tension is building so much I cant stand it, I just got a little part time job answering phones I only make $100 a week, but he doesn't want me to have it, he says that its our money not mine, and I need to just give him the money at the end of each week because he says I cant handle the responsibility of having any money . I know things are getting worse and I thank you for the resources you have passed on to me, I plan on calling the hot line as soon as he goes to work, thank you so much

You're welcome, I hope it all works out for you.

It does not matter what other people think, you are the one that has to live with him. you must do what is best for yourself & child.

We cannot say from what you have written who is right and who is wrong. Because, it is only your understanding and views, definitely you will project a view, which defends you. It might not give a clear picture. So, let us leave who is wrong. But, from what you have written, one thing is very clear that he is following strict code of conducts and he wants you to be well disciplined. So, he is made up of those disciplined rules. Whereas, you are from a liberated environment. Again it is not about who is right or wrong. But, to highlight that you both are standing at two extreme ends. So, there is no way you can bring the gap closer. The compatibility between you both is not there. So, whatever patch up you both are trying to make up through counselling cannot change either his nature or your nature. As he is ruled by code of conducts, he is not going to spare the son to you. So, you have not choice but to get separated for the benefit and well-being of you all three.

hello,<br />
I have read you post all i could say is you need to think of your children first and no one else it will have a detrimental effect at a later time in their life trust me i know having a step daughter with similar circumstances jack in you job locate to anouther area get a new job and re start your new life and burry the old one, life is always greener on the other side at this moment you may not think so but take that big step and move on.<br />
I wish you all the good luck you deserve keep well and love your kids