Fighting With My Past Self

Before I begin. I don't know if I should be writing this under the "post trauma" subject due it being to do with something that happened so long ago. 
I'm new to this, so I'll most likely write the rest in the Diary thing. 

But it does involve emotional abuse. The kind that makes a person hate themselves... I only hate My past self.

I'll write it here though, in hope that if anyone's anywhere near where I once was, they'll find a step to get out now! 
Over ten years ago, I found Myself in a relationship with someone who had a severe drink problem. Not that it would ever be discovered, knowing how hard it is to detect the difference between an alcoholic and someone "having a good time." 
I was the nag bugging him, not to stop, but to slow down. Especially when he was mixing drinks with tablets he bought off friends. Every two weeks he would get his dole money, then spend all of it on booze, cigarettes and drugs. I had moved away from home. Not to be away from My Mother and Sisters, but another dangerous situation, tormented by a man and an incident involving him almost three years before. I wanted a new life, a fresh. 
At the time, I thought I loved the alcoholic (who I will name MM so's not to get confused.) I think we were close for a few weeks after I rented a flat in one of the worst areas, miles from home. ..But then I was still safe from My past nightmare. I was almost homeless as the YWCA not far from there, refused Me a place. Not because they didn't have any rooms, but because My past had been used against Me. (Note: I hadn't committed crime, done illegal drugs etc but I didn't judge those needing to escape the pain.) Also, they judged by appearances, how I was dressed. I'm trying not to get off the point here, but MM helped Me by paying a few quid for Me to stay as a guest, which was tricky because he had to have a girl sign me in and I had no female friends there and yes, men lived there. 
After almost being turned onto the streets by the staff--something that could have lead to danger worse than My past, MM helped Me. Not long after that, I was living in that small room in a house in an unsafe address. I could have stayed in a hostile, but I needed to get away from My past experience without being made to feel that I was the one who'd done wrong for being a victim. I relied on MM because I felt scared and alone. I wanted him with Me. I needed someone.. 
That was when the constant insults and put-downs came. Nobody knew what he was like, not even those closest to him! 
I was stupid.. I was ugly.. I was weak.. I was fat!..wasn't I? 
The way he sad things were NOT blatant insults, but those niggle-type remarks that get a person wondering about themselves more than ever. "How are you going to cope without me?" or "Honey, you're talking bollocks." 
It's not something I can explain and it wasn't anything to be seen other than that kind of relationship where the couple insults each other. I believed that.  What I hated the most was when he would snigger at Me in front of his friends or people he claimed to despise. Worse than his insults were the snorts and snickers that emphasized the fact I was unwanted by everyone, except when they wanted someone to make fun of. 
Then the day came when I thought he wasn't going to see Me, until he turned up at 11am, red-faced and drunk. For the next ten hours or so, he mixed drinks and whatever else. The most ironic fact? MM was nicer to Me when he had been drinking. Don't worry, I already the know how many of them would make fun about that! At one point, he tried to attack the TV licence guy who had done nothing to him and was there to see me. Terrific huh? The times he claimed to be sticking up for Me, I didn't need it. 
Then about an hour or so later, he became aggressive, but not violent, even though I feared that after growing up with violence. There came a point where he started punching himself, behaving in a way I had never seen before. I don't know how much he'd had to drink, but it had to have been almost 10pm or later. Then he got hold of a knife and started cutting his arm and wrist severely. ..I tried to stop him and got cut in the process. I couldn't get over how strong he was! I tried knocking the next room for help.. No answer. I grabbed My bag and ran out. Luckily, there was someone with a mobile to call the ambulance. 
I cant go into the rest without thinking how stupid I was... A doormat! "Yeah you were!" I can hear him saying that now. I stayed with him in hospital, except to go home at night. Spent all day with him the next. One of the nurses was really hateful towards Me. 
While I was at the hospital, I got robbed by drug dealer neighbours. What they took wasn't so much of value, but sentimental. 
Most of what I tell here is funny in the world the people I then knew, live in. 
After the surgery of MM, he came back to stay with Me. Ate most of My food and treated everything of Mine as if it were his. When I first moved in he provoked the neighbours who shared the house and who had helped steal from My room. But it wasn't long until he was getting on with them. When I was upset over the camera I found out was stolen, he snorted as if I was making a fuss. Then he started making fun of Me with the neighbours. 
Was it My fault? I'm not asking.. You see I HATE My past self for putting up with that and it's nowhere near how things turned out. 
MM provoked a fight and I was the one attacked by drug dealers. But I was STILL lucky to be with him, I had no one else. 
What I didn't know was, I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it as we had been so careful. I'm not being judged for that either because I put up with enough!
Had I known, I would have got rid of him then. Instead, this stupid idiot here invited him to stay in the caravan with Me nearby for two weeks. I saw other couples, men treating their girlfriends lovingly. But all I wanted was for him to come to the club for a drink. I wanted to go. "Well go on your own then!" MM snapped in a hostile voice that said he wouldn't be seen with Me. 
I had also brought My demons with Me. There had been another guy in the YWCA who MM thought I wanted. "Why do'y pick Me?" he would ask a lot. Had it been now? I wouldn't have! MM would ask that, but he soon complained when I pointed out that other guy at least treated Me with some understanding. Even though I didn't add that he also didn't want to be seen with Me. I knew that deep down. See I didn't have any friends in that place or "contacts". Another thing about that guy, when MM spat "well cry then!" because I was having flashbacks, at that time, the other guy would have given Me a hug. Or it seemed so back then.
Thinking any of them were friends was another sin. 
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I left MM. I had to go back home, much to my dread. But I had a life planned for Me and the baby. 
About a month later, I lost it. "I don't want a kid!" he had said in his usual, vile tone.
And I was treated as though I had disgraced Myself. You know, like we had gone back 50 years, even though there were girls years younger than Me having babies. I shouldn't have gone back home as the hospital there had a bad reputation. Yet I had a miscarriage since My Son and the hospital staff where I live now were amazing! That was what made it so easy to move on. It's not always our experiences, but how we're treated during them. 
After months of depression, stress and trying to deal with the loss in secret, I went back to the YWCA to see other...friends. 
I wondered why the only one speaking to Me was another outsider: MM had told everyone that I'd cut his arm! Of course I wondered if it were a lie when the little madam that told Me was someone who had way too much to say for herself at the best of times, told many lies and was respected for it. 
But it was true, along with the fact I lost the baby because of the fight. It had been dead for some time.. Oh that's okay then! I had been in hospital alone. No MM. 
That was the first back stabbing I received in that town, along with the nasty trick one of MM's female friends pulled. Because I wasn't over the miscarriage yet, I wasn't in the mood to coo over anyone her new baby, she had one of her friends bounce it up and down from the window. Something MM found hilarious. 

My crime then was being too nice, too ridiculously kind to a drunken scrounger and his friends who had less depth than a dried up paddling pool! I hate my then self for putting up with that! 
Most people regret bad things they've done. Me? I regret all the good!! That's just a handful of what happened, along with the most twisted lies people made out of another situation, but I'm not wasting My time convincing them otherwise when they know the truth. 
Just for the record: It is NORMAL to grieve over a miscarriage for longer than I did, yet I was told I was attention seeking by the new "friends" I made. It is also NORMAL to bottle things up for years and find what's trivial to others, disturbing. 
My past self made mistakes, but My present self wont be too hard on her, considering how people with no emotions, or inhibitions took advantage, Being on so much medication didn't help. Anti-depressants made Me loud and obnoxious and also numbed Me so I couldn't cry. They gave a false sense of happiness that lead to more grief. The sedatives made a lot a blur, though I appeared overly calm and giggly. Trying to explain things without them coming out the wrong way was almost impossible, especially when one of the times I tried explaining something over the phone was during a suicide attempt, a cocktail of sedatives, and stuff I cant remember the name of. 
All of this seems to have poured out, more than I intended as a result of something similar to therapy and having someone who lives in that town, befriend Me again, even though about twelve years later, they're still putting the poison down.
Well something else I'll let out now: I didn't accuse that guy of anything.. My Mum saw the state of Me and was WORRIED because she was sick of seeing Me go through that. (Normal parents worry about their children, even when they're older.) I'm not going into all that about the flashbacks when you're in a whole other place. I met some of the most twisted, vindictive liars that made the emotional abuse a thousand times worse than it was! The one person who was decent there, died. THAT was a FRIEND! There's no doubt in My mind that had I gone to the funeral, My Son wouldn't be here today. 
I should have known what those people were like the first night in the YWCA when they treated a 16 year old girl's suicide like the best day of their lives. And their threatening her later wasn't the first time they had ganged up on a pregnant woman. Even though she wasn't a friend, she didn't deserve that. They say "out of sight, out of mind." well out of sight to them is a chance to spread more lies. I regret trying to contact some of them, 2 years ago. The only thing making those people happy is the hardship of others. 

A lot of what I said near the end may not have made sense.. Well that's the cycle of emotional abuse. I don't know My past self now. I'm hoping I killed every ounce of the goodness she wasted on the wrong people. Especially MM. If you've been through anything similar, you'll know what I'm talking. Even if it's over ten years later, normal people with emotions can suffer from post traumatic stress. It's eating Me and infuriates Me they think I got My comeback when all I did was try to be there for most of them. They, MM also, would allow Me to feel guilt and shame over what I had never done. Oh I stood up for Myself, but being an outsider and being different doesn't give Me the right in their books. I killed the part of Me that was once too pathetically sweet, I went back with MM. Even when I found out how glad he was I miscarried. Well I'm over that or I wouldn't have had My Son. If I sound nasty for being grateful I am for having not brought his spawn into the world.. Good! Because that's the person I should be. I wish I'd done half the things I'd been accused of, at least then I would be on the verge of even with someone like MM who used to revel in arguments and other people's hurt. I could never do that, even though I'm hoping all the kindness/weakness has left Me. 
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May 6, 2012