When I Was A Little Girl...

I really do not have many happy memories from childhood; summer vacations are the only happy times I can remember.  I am an only child and I grew up with my single Mom and Grandmother.  My Mom probably should have given me up for adoption.  I probably would have had more stability and less emotional abuse. 

It all stems from my Grandmother, who has narcissistic tendencies.  The earliest memories of the abuse started after I had broken both of my arms in the 1st grade.  From what I can remember, having those casts were uncomfortable and the broken bones were painful, so I started acting up a bit.  Nothing too bad that I can remember.  Probably just a little back talk.  Then one day, from my memories, my grandmother decides to tell me my mother is going to kill herself because of my behavior.  Well, as a first grader, i didn't even know you could kill yourself, much less i was going to make my Mommy do it.   I don't know what triggered her to be so emotionally abusive in that instant and forever after that;  I feel it could have been depression. 

After my grandmother told me that I was going to make my Mommy Kill Herself, she started calling me things like "devil's child" and "devil's spawn".  Well, even in the 2nd grade or so I knew that wasn't true, but if my grandmother was saying it, it had to be true.  So this led to me first contemplating suicide at the age of 7.  Didn't know how to do it, so i mostly daydreamed about my funeral and how everyone would realize what they were missing out on if i would die and go away.  After the childhood depression and suicidal thoughts set in, I was depressed and withdrawn until about the 7th grade, when I met some good friends who valued me for who I was as a friend. 

And this sent my grandmother into a much more intense, cruel series of abuses.  She controlled my every move.  I wasn't allowed to close my door for privacy until I demanded my privacy.  When I demanded my privacy around the age of 12 or 13, she became physically abusive.  She would throw things at me, come after me with screwdrivers and sticks.  She would just rage and rage until her blood pressure would sky rocket and she would have to go lay down, all the time telling me I was the cause of her blood pressure and anxiety.  She even told her Neurologist that i was abusive!!  That is when she started telling everybody that I was hitting her!  When all you had to do was look at my forearms and see the gouges of skin missing from years of clawing my arm.  

I graduated HS in 1995 and I left for college only one week after graduation.  She continued to put me down, while I made awesome grades.  She told me I would never be able to save the money for my first apt. and of course I did, all by myself.  She continued her evil ways until Alzheimer's took over, so at least now, when I have to take care of her, she is not the same grumpy, evil person.  Its sad that it took a devastating illness to make her a nicer person, but in my case it was the only thing that stopped that evil woman's emotional abuse. 
mysticskye mysticskye
31-35, F
May 8, 2012