Please Understand Abuse Is By Choice.

Ok where do I began?I met my husband in 2005. He had just got out of the military a few
months before I met him.he told me about his life how he was raised.he told me he came from a broken
home his parents got a divorce when he was fifteen.he stayed with his mother
and his sister went to live with his father.Anyway he was married when I met him yes that didn't
stop me from seeing and talking to him.I knew his wife.I went against my beliefs and continued to
talk to him.I must add though I did try to leave this relationship.
as I knew it was wrong.
There is more to this story but im a shamed to share this so I will continue. He left his wife we moved
in together.During his time with his wife he told me how unhappy he was.he told me how she ignored him a lot and that
her friends were more important to her than he was.he told me that he was kicked out of
the military because she wouldn't clean the house.We had a mutual friend that could back
everything about what he was saying about her not to mention I saw the living conditions myself.The house was trashed,dirty dishes piled in the sink,trash over flowing spilling onto the floor,food stuck to the counters,her filthy clothes piled on the floor.It was horrible to see how they lived.I asked him why he didn't clean the house and he said because it wouldn't do any good.he said every time he cleaned it only upset him and he was just to tired.he said he worked long hours in the hot sun and he just wanted to come home and relax he said besides its her job to clean if she wasn't going to get a job
So to continue. I was in search of an apartment while he was still living with his wife.I had saved up enough money to move with.He knew this and he insisted that his wife leave.They both knew that thier marrige was over.she moved to another state and the very next day he was flipping through the phone book looking for an apartment for the both of to live.Now I do have to admit he was charming,convincing,funny,everything that I adored about a guy.He loved to help people he was a great employee everyone liked him.I talk to him about my boundries there were four things I wouldn't stand for in my life.Don't hit me,don't lie to me,don't cheat on me,don't call me names.Good healthy boundries that I set fourth between us when we moved in together.we talked about respect we talked of many good things to come in our lives.He told me he was going to file for a divorce and he asked me to marry him.I was not ready for marriage and told him so but he was very very presasive.He kept convincing me he was going to file for a divorce and that one day I would be his wife but he had charm every single time he said it.Finally I agreed when I said yes he was like a school boy! A few months later he came to me telling me he was unhappy with his job he said that he got written up for his selling techniques he said that his employer didn't like the way he sold glasses as he was an opption.He had told me he didn't understand why because by a monthly report he was in the top percentage selling the most glasses in the district.He started blameing a coworking saying she was just trying to stir up trouble for him because she was friends with his wife. As time went on not to long after we moved in together I remember it was time tp pay the rent as we shared equal in the bills.when I asked for his part of the rent he said that he didn't have it I asked him why?He said his wife tapped his account and over drew the account.He was so upset with this news and he just didn't know how to deal with it infact he even cried I who automatic felt sorry for him went and paid the rent.We had talked about him protecting him self prior to other conversations because he said his wife was known to go out and bounce checks.I suggested that he close the account and open a new account before this would happen.Now here it is time to pay rent and he doesn't have his part.Nevertheless I had the money and paid it.Then he says that he didn't know what he was going to to do about his truck insurance that was due and he didn't have that either.I paid that to.Then one day he says he might lose his truck and that he was afraid that they would take his truck I asked him what was going on and he said that his wife lied about making the payments and they got behind in payment.Again I found myself paying the the bills so that he could keep his truck.I
Even though he had a job and made more than I did.Again so sweet and saying he was sorry.I found myself asking for more hours at work.he quit his job and got another it took him almost two months to find another one.I found myself argueing with him to follow through with the divorce and keeping his promises to me.After he got a job he said now that I have this job I would like to start my divorce only he said that it was going to take five hundred dollars to proceed.Again putting on the charm and romance.I found myself reaching into my account and paying for his divorce.I found myself listening to him whine about what he didnt get as a child.The more he cried the more I found myself giving in to him.He kept telling me to quit my job because he said I could do better than the one I had that had skills that was being wasted on.He said I could make more money than what my job had to offer. I found myself worn down and I got sick I went to the ER and had to have some breathing treatments.He said he had to attend a mandatory meeting at work he dropped me off and said it was only going to be an hour and that he'd be back to pick me up.I said ok.I waited five hours that day in the ER and finally he showed up telling me the meeting went over he said did you get my message no I didn't get it I told him I called your job and the meeting was over four hours ago.He said oh I went home and walked the dog!WOW I thought the dog and the rug was more important than I was.I even said that to him.I knew I was lied to,and I felt of like I didn't really mean much to him.I felt sad disappointed.and totally uncared for.I started really feeling bad about what and who was becoming.I had only been back from the ER a day or two and he called me a victim.He said I knew how to play the roll very well.I didn't say anything to his down right cruelty.I just walked away.I realised the boundries I set were broken.I found myself trying more and more to please him.Trying harder to understand him the more I gave the more he took.I found myself saying I'm sorry to him after he verbally and emotioaly insaulted me.I found myself excepting the blame for everything.I found myself fighting for the truth when all I was getting were lies.I found myself getting angry and sad,I found myself physicaly ill and begging him to help me.I needed medical attention but there was never any money to get the medicine I needed.I had complete control over me.The calls every day which I took as him missing me it wasn't.The list goes on.Then there's the physical abuse.When I lost a limb during one his rage episodes.I finally called for help.He was arrested for interfereing with 911 call and for asult and battery.He spent one night in jail and was released the next day.Guess who was there to pick him up? Me! Yes it was me.why because I felt sorry for him!Now I don't understand this!!!He spent a year on parole.He went to anger management classes.And I stayed with him.For a year I felt safe b physically he was back to himself again.Charming and funny he listen to me.He was reformed.we had just bought a house together before the all that happened I thought we were going to make a fresh start from the last episode but I was wrong.This time was going to be better.He started the marrige thing again during his parole.I could see he was making real progress.I on the other hand didn't seek help even when it was available to me.He got fired from his job when he was arrested.But he found employment soon I said I saw a real change in him.We got married.we took religious counciling
together our lives were coming together although I wasn't sure and it was always in the back of my mind not to trust this.Like a nagging voice that just wouldn't go away.We started going to church and meeting people.Praying with them bible study every week.It was great! Then something happened.He was up for a promotion and he didn't get it.His disappointment was great.He was angry and getting more angrier.I could see him falling back into his patterns again.we stopped going to church.The lies starred again.We had stepped backwards.The stress was back he quit his job.We were living on foodstamps again.I managed to get state medicare this time.I'm a epileptic I have seizures all my life.I'm also a diabetic.Every time when it came close to getting insurance He would quit or get fired.He did how ever got a temp. job that lasted three months.We ended up moving again and moved in with my sister.we've been with her for five of the conditions prior to coming to live with her is that he get counciling.He agreed.Now up to date He spent a long time looking for a job.we spent the last of the employment bennifits and he is working.He has a good job.But its stressful my sister is sick and I don't know how long she has to live?I got a family call telling me that my dad was sick and wasn't going to live much longer so I went back east to see him one last time.I didn't make it he died two hours before I got to the hospital.while I was there making funeral arrangements my husband called every day.He said the lords prayer with me every night on the phone.I was gone only ten days.I was filled with grief of the loss of my father.Just sick that I didn't get to say my goodbye to himI know he is in heaven and he's not in pain anymore.I'm going to miss him. The night before I left I asked my husband one thing of him I asked him to be faithful to me while I was gone.He if course said he would.He said hr did a lot of bad things but cheating wasn't one of them.Ten days after I got back home.I was looking up a song on YouTube and there it was **** **** ****!!
And more ****.Now I'm really angry.Not only did he say the lords prayer with me every night but he's watching **** every night too.the next day after I returned from my dads funeral.He shows me Googles history because he said he knows thats what oiled to to say I like to check up on him.but he was convincing me that he was being faithful! I asked him if he had been on YouTube and he lied and said NO!! I'm looking right at it I said.He lies over and over again and again to me.he told me when we got married he would never lie to me again.He said he would Change.but this oh my god I'm sick! I'm greving the loss of my dad and I return back home to lies deception and so much disrespect.No honor what's so ever for the only man that he called his dad to.No nothing!!!He finally tells the truth after lieing over and over.He tells me he knows our marrige is over.I told him to leave.He does and goes right to my other sisters home where he stays for a week.He's begged me to come home and its all about him.Where is he going to live now,he doesnt have a car and a way to work he says to me.He wants me to feel sorry for him.He begs and promises he'd change on and on and on.He says he's sorry over and over again.He wants to come home.Sickening.My husband lies cheats manipulates into anything and everything.He does this after every time he thinks he's won my heart! I the dumb one has fallen for it every single time.Not this time!He's living in a motel right now.He's agreed not to come around me until I call him.He has called and made an appointment with a therapists.I have talked to the women's shelter and started up classes.I have appointments scheduled with a therapists that I intend tp keep.I've prayed for healing for myself and for him.I believe in truth and I know with my strong faith in my heavenly father that he will guide me to people that will help me be strong.I believe that people can change if they want to better themselves as for my husband I only hope he does.If he doesn't I pray for his next victim.

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May 10, 2012