So Much Pain

I am trying so hard to find the motivation to continue on this fight.  My children are the reason I live and breath.  I am failing in that department however.  I love them with all my might but no matter what I do my daughter is plauged with pain.   It's real to her.  She has felt pain.  She has been hurt.  She is struggling so much to deal with becoming an adult it pains me to watch her stuggle.  She battles suicide and depression everyday.  Her anger is obvious and as a group we try to deal with it.  I know that suicide for me is not an option.  I have to many responsibilites.  I have too many joys I want to see. 

Yet ....finding that motivation to getting those joys seems endless.  I feel the weight of all my stresses on a daily basis.  Always wondering when the next bout of insanity will ensue.  I like the calm of the desperation sometimes.  It's what I know.  The panic has some comfort. 

Although.  I don't like the overall feeling.  So I just wait.  .........All I can do.  Finding the motivation is next to impossible.  There is always some other crisis.  I want it all just to end..........I know that it won't for a long long time.
flodials flodials
41-45, F
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Thanks kindly and sorry for all your pain. I lived a life full of pain. I have come to realize now that I was living in constant turmoil just knew how to put the pain away. My daughter is in crisis constantly. We are both on anti depressants. We have both been on two different kinds. Going to try the third ones soon. Just when I think something may be better. Boom........something blows up. My concern for my daughter is the mosy trying thing for now. It's constant. I can't deal with all the other crap due to those stress. Such a cirlce of nonsense. <br />
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I think of better days but I am brought back to reality of my situation. I try to show my kids the fake happy so they don't think it's ok to live in tears. Yet they still see lots of that.

I'm guessing that the kids see the "fake." Hold them, flo, and kiss them; let them see your love.

Your story really struck a chord with me. I think about dying everyday, yet I don't want to leave a legacy of suicide behind as I too have two children (son is 20, daughter is 12). My son lives on campus at the University of MD...my daughter is still home. She is the only reason I am alive today. I've taken antidepressants for years and they have stopped working. On the other hand, if you or your daughter have not taken antidepessants, you may give it some thought...not trying to push drugs on you, but they *can* be a lifesaver...particularly since your daughter is suicidal. They were great for me for a long while, but I'm afraid my depression has become treatment resistent. (Don't believe that is too common, though.) Well, I probably didn't give you the best of advice, but just wanted to comment that I sort of know where you're coming from, though my daughter hasn't experienced problems to the degree of yours (yet anyway...don't know what the future holds). I wish you and your daughter the best of luck in healing...I'm sure once she is better, you will be as well...

Have you tried any talk-therapy, group-therapy, or self-help groups? My AD medication caused me to have a heart attack, so I quit the drugs, but therapy did wonders for me, and and I found the joy of life.