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You're Repulsive!

I dated an emotionally and verbally abusive "man" for 2 years. At first, everything was perfect. I was a strong independent woman and I was about to finish nursing school. I met my boyfriend right before I started nursing school. He was a dream. He was handsome, kind, giving, romantic, and showered me with love. I was so infatuated, and uninformed, I missed so many red flags. Things started to slowly become a living nightmare. He lived 3 hours from me. The first time I realized something was seriously wrong was when he threw me out of his apartment at 1am on a Saturday night. He woke me up from a dead sleep after going through my phone and finding a text from an "Andrew". Andrew was my godfather. The message said "I love you and miss you too!" He didn't care.He kicked me out and I had to drive back home in the middle of the night. Things got worse and worse from there. I caught him in many lies about other girls, and somehow he was so good at manipulating me, I'd end up apologizing, begging him not to leave me. I was so hurt and confused. He would lash out at me out of nowhere and call me a c**t. He would mock me while I cried. On thanksgiving 2011, he randomly got mad I was texting my dad telling him I would be running late to my family dinner because I was with HIS family, and he kicked me out of his parents house and called me "repulsive" and made theatrical gagging reflexes in my direction as I cried and begged for him to love me. He told me he could do so much better than me and I was "lucky" to have him.
I constantly thought it was my fault. I mean, he told me it was. I thought there was something wrong with me. He called me crazy, but the only crazy thing in our relationships were the double standards. He could go out and do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and I wasn't allowed to say anything, not that I minded. But heaven forbid I walk to my car without consulting him first and he went into a mad rage. I was hospitalized towards the end of our relationship for exhaustion and PTSD. He lied to me about an STD test and tried to pin it on me... I even went to the doctor with him so he could get checked (didn't go back into the exam room with him) and for weeks he lied about being tested! I drove 3 hours just to go with him to the appointment! Luckily I didn't have anything. I racked up $1500 in debt after he made me quit my job, oh and school? yes, i dropped out. I poured all of my strength and energy into him. I lost all of my friends, and my family. I didn't speak to my little sister for 3 months. I hated myself. I tried all I could imagine, but I was dating a stairmaster. No matter how hard I fought, I could never reach the top. There would be brief periods of him being overly apologetic, he would cry and beg for me not to leave him, but the minute I took the "emotional bait" from him things plummeted back down. The day I was supposed to move in with him, I changed direction and moved back home after a blow out on my way there. I hated myself, what was even left of me. I changed my phone number for the first time in my life. I'm 3.5 months out now. He tried to get me back, but I got informed and educated, and I knew if I stayed he would have killed me or I would have killed myself trying to please him.
jennleecolwell jennleecolwell 22-25, F 10 Responses May 16, 2012

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To buthelezisiphesihle

Girl I used to say that so often. If he didn't end up killing me I would have killed myself because towards the end I hated myself that much. I felt worthless and disgusting and unlovable but thank god I didn't get what I thought I deserved.

It's so hard and it takes 6 months of no contact to finish the last stage of leaving an abusive relationship. Whenever he apologizes, he's not really sorry, he's just manipulating you with "emotional bait". If he was really sorry it would not continue to happen. Please read the book "Why Does He Do that " by Lundy Bancroft. It saved my life and got me out of this hell. People only try to being you down because you are ABOVE them. Stay strong and please read the book and you will no longer be confused.

My x would cry at my feet and grab on my legs for me to not leave him after he abused me. He actually cussed me out the day my grandpa passed away and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. I would apologize for being ugly. I was so confused so often. When you first come out of the darkness and you understand what is going on, the light can be blinding and frightening but never give up.

It's so hard and it takes 6 months of no contact to finish the last stage of leaving an abusive relationship. Whenever he apologizes, he's not really sorry, he's just manipulating you with "emotional bait". If he was really sorry it would not continue to happen. Please read the book "Why Does He Do that " by Lundy Bancroft. It saved my life and got me out of this hell. People only try to being you down because you are ABOVE them. Stay strong and please read the book and you will no longer be confused.

It's so hard and it takes 6 months of no contact to finish the last stage of leaving an abusive relationship. Whenever he apologizes, he's not really sorry, he's just manipulating you with "emotional bait". If he was really sorry it would not continue to happen. Please read the book "Why Does He Do that " by Lundy Bancroft. It saved my life and got me out of this hell. People only try to being you down because you are ABOVE them. Stay strong and please read the book and you will no longer be confused.

All I can say is "Wow!!" You are so incredibly strong. I know how you feel, I'm feeling the same way right now. Since me and my ex have broken up he will be SUPER apologetic and tell me he loves me the next minute he'll get really angry and wonder why I left and tell me I'm sick and delusional. Our relationship started out like yours. I really admire you for sharing your story. I hope I can be as strong as you and get the courage to actually go through with changing my phone number.

i need help to get out of a similar relationship to u, da only diffirence is that he abuses me physically aswell, i fil if i stay he will end up killing me!!!

Thank you for letting me tell your story

angeline, yes, I have 17 hours left to finish, and retake but I'm applying in december and thank you so much. I hope you're doing well.and yes jaebird use my story, although this is only a small fraction of it!

I am doing a project on abuse and I was wondering if I could share your story

I am glad you left. Try to not look back except when it speeds your recovery and revitalization. Sometimes (ok a lot) I hear his vile words ring in my ears. I tell myself I don't believe them but still feel like a failure. I left three months ago.

I won't go back! I'm so much happier. I don't cry and live in constant fear of him leaving me. I only saved some downright cruel and insane texts he sent me to remind me exactly who he is. Some days I do feel like a failure. I'm mad I wasted two years of my life and am behind on my education because if him. I feel so setback because I'm back at home, but I'll be back in school in the fall with NO distractions, and I'm moving on June 15 to my own place with a great roommate! You should read the book by Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." It changed my life. Stay strong! We can do this!

Yeah, that is a good book. It helped me though some of my darkest hours with him. Congratulations, on getting back to school. Are you continuing with nursing? Seems like someone with this kind of experience would be good in the field.