What's Wrong With Me.

My story begins when I was a small child, I started to notice the difference that my mother was putting between me and my sisters. She would throw 
sticks at me, call me ugly, grab me by the throat, punch me in the stomach. Yet, I thought I was doing something to deserve all this. The only thing I did 
was be my fathers child. I have 3 younger sisters and 1 brother. I am the only one with a different father. For years I put up with the abuse while she goes 
around telling other family members that I was a liar, and that I was sneaky, I was constantly told by here that she was going to kill my father. From what I understand their relationship was not a good one. The abuse also came from my step father, but not so much as my mother. Fast forward to the teen years. By this time I am every thing but a child of God. She stopped buying me clothes when I turned 14. So at 14 I got my first job. Everything I have ever had that meant anything she has destroyed. When she could not destroy material things then she would start in on the name calling. So, I moved in with my father. Things were better for a little while but he was no better. My father comes from a strictly church going family. I didn't know what support was because every chance he got he put me down. I had gotten to the point suicide was the only option I could see to escape the hell hole that I was in. And for  
a long time I thought about it. But something just would not let me do it. I was so used to being a doormat, people walking over me. I was taught to be like someone else and not be myself. My high school years were awful, because I was always trying to fit in and getting rejected at the same time. I thought about taking pills but, all I kept saying was that I refuse to let them win. I was picked on by family members all the time while my mother is telling them it was ok to pick on me. She told me I was not part of her family. but by this time I had developed that " I don't give a dam attitude". I am 38 years old and my mother has never told me that she loved me. She still is going around lying on me. Now she is the victim, and I am this horrible person who does not do anything for her. Which caused a confrontation with other family members at my cousins funeral. But there was one person who sat down and listened to me and she to thought I was lying about all the things my mother has and was doing to me. Until she experienced the same thing with her. Now everyone has started to see my mother for who and what she really is. But the damage has been done, and that is what she wanted to destroy all the relationships in my life, but she can't do it. She has missed out on her life because she has been trying to make mine so miserable. I have my own daughter who I love no matter what. So I can't understand why my mother could do this to her own daughter. She is having a holy fit because my step father has become my biggest supporter. He has told her to leave me alone, because I have my own life, my own house and truck. While one sister is in jail, and the others are still living at home. My early values were instilled in me by my grandparents and I have hung on to those values maybe that is why I could not kill myself. And relationships with men ha!! She has came in between 2 of my relationships. I have always been the one everyone calls on when something needs to get done. I stopped that, I stopped going over there. My daughter wants to spend the night over there but if she can't blackmail me into doing what she wants then she tells my daughter no you can't spend the night. So I had to sit down and explain to my 11 year daughter how her grandmother is. She asked me " why is grandmother like that mommy" and all I could say was I don't know. Now i only go over maybe once every 3 or 4 months just to make sure she alive. But it's hard because she still wants to fight me and talk about hitting me in the head with a baseball bat. And I told her that I am not that little girl anymore that you used to abuse. But, now my sisters have stared the lying. I no longer feel like I have to be there for them. My life is finally going on.
LadyShea LadyShea
1 Response May 20, 2012

I hope deep down you know that NONE of this was your fault. My mother was the main target of abuse from her father when she was growing up with 3 other sisters. For some reason sometimes abusers do that. So please don't think there is something wrong with you. I greatly admire you for your strength. You found a way to go above and beyond and have proved people wrong. I'm glad your family is starting to see your mother for who she is. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. Have you ever thought about completely cutting off all contact with your mother? I hope that little girl within you, that is within all women, has found healing and happiness.